Woken up by a container being unloaded from a truck, it sounded like it was right outside of the house but think it was across the canal at the end of our street.

Sound really carries well over the water, on Sunday felt briefly like a disco here when a boat went by blaring out high energy party music.

Oh dear think my pleasure at the day being cooler is short lived as the temperature creeps up again.

This morning there was a brief few minutes when the sun was shining and immediately the rain came down in an absolute deluge.

Really a huge downpour and it went on for ages made me think that perhaps our summer was over as this often happens here.

It is usually hot here for two weeks tops then the weather breaks and never recovers and that is then usually the end of summer.

In 2000 it happened the day The Netherlands lost the European Cup to the French, not only the football was lost but what had been a gorgeous summer came to a total stop.

The city was very depressed and the worse of it was that I worked for Euronet, an Internet company, and there were quite a lot of French people working there.

They were still celebrating the next day; I was offered croissants and champagne when I got to work.

The Dutch half of the office were on bread and water that day, well that is how it felt anyway.

In recent years the trend for summer to come to an abrupt halt has occurred nearly every year since 2000.

Since 2004 we have never had a good June until this year and summers have been very wet usually leading to an early autumn in August.

One of the consequences of the wet summers has been en explosion in the moth population especially the brown tailed moth, one the covers trees in sticky tents and cause horrible allergic reactions in people.

Seems like this summer has made a comeback, going to ask Richie as soon as he finishes what he is doing to turn the fan on for me.

Marianne will be here in a wee while for our Tuesday visit, she is getting very excited about her trip to South Africa on the 21 July.

She is very much looking forward to it; she will be going on a bus journey around South Africa for 17 days.

On the one hand I think it is also exciting to go so far and see another country but on the other really hate this notion of holidays at the expense of others.

The idea of going to other places and seeing how other people live smacks abit of some sort of colonialism to me.

Countries often do not profit at all from tourists instead the money is made by a multi nationals who own the hotel and holiday companies.

The local people are used as servants and nothing of the money trickles down into the local economy.

That is why Eric Williams decided after Trinidad became independent from England 1962 to develop other industries than the Tourist Industry.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trinidad_and_Tobago


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_Williams

http://www.asawright.org/">http://www.asawright.org/">http://www.asawright.org/


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cuisine_of_Trinidad_and_Tobago



http://www.trinigourmet.com/index.php/trinidadian-food-through-other-cultures-eyes/


He did not want the young people of Trinidad growing up to become servants of holiday makers.

And big international companies like the Hilton could only lease the land for short periods and not own the land outright.

They were very fortunate to have found oil and gas in the waters around the island and in that way could build up other industries and did not have to rely on tourism.

http://www.conway.com/trinidad/9907/index.htm


Seems to have paid off as the island seemed to be doing very well when I visited in 1997.

Something very funny is happening right here, Spike has a favourite toy it is called a Kong, supposed to be indestructible and at 8 Euros we hoped it might be, it has been Spikes darling since he got it a few weeks ago.

Seeing as the pet shop near us was closing on Saturday Richie called in to stock up on dog treats and another Kong for Marleen.

Well Spike was happily playing with his Kong until Marleen got her Kong which was idsentical to his toy and right away his was no longer nice, no longer his favourite.

This was done sensitively by giving them both a toy Spike got his old toy but he discarded it immediately and would not be persuaded otherwise, in fact he started to cry so we gave him the new toy and he was happy.

Just now he accidentally was playing with the older toy and Marleen with the new one until he realised and again he started pushing for the new toy.

Went on and on and he even cried again until he managed to get it off Marleen and then he was very happy to be reunited with his favourite toy.

If I had not seen this for myself I would not have believed it, both toys are identical but it is the new one that Spike has to have.

Weird!

Well summer has not departed but it is cooler so much nicer for me, have been more relaxed today.

Had a great visit from Marianne this afternoon really good we talked about all sorts and find we have a lot in common.

It has been very nice getting to know her since she first came as a volunteer, she heard about being a volunteer and putting something back into the community on local TV and went straight to their website and found me.

That was obviously my lucky day as that was in October 2007 and we have become good friends since then.

Off to the bathroom and then leg exercises with the Motomed and a delicious dinner which I am really looking forward to.

Hope everyone has a good evening.

The weather is still very warm but not as hot and sticky as last week, for one thing there is a constant wind which is pleasant.

Been interesting to experience similar weather to in the tropics, the last couple of times it has rained within an hour the blue skies and blazing sun were back.

That is not how it usually goes here, as once it rains that is the heat wave over, must be global warming that is creating these tropical conditions here.

We already have the mosquito’s too as we live surrounded by water and Amsterdam has a big heron population, most canals will have a resident heron.

Quite a few people can be seen feeding them herrings which they buy special for them, it is a grand sight a heron or a group will gather and wait by a house and eventually someone will come outside with herrings chopped up for the herons who wait in turn for their share.

Funny to find herons all around town when I first arrived in Amsterdam, in England only ever saw them in streams running through fields between Reading and Oxford,

Would see them from the train to Oxford, catch a glimpse and be very happy indeed even more when it was springtime and I also saw a kingfisher and hares.

Amsterdam despite being very built up still has a lot of nature and with the new colonies of parakeets has shown that there is enough to sustain a variety of birds and small mammals.

Woke up this morning to the delightful sounds of our neighbour Willes, she is moving from the 4th floor to the ground floor.

Her front door is under our bedroom window and she has a very distinctive Amsterdam voice, it is lovely to hear her yodelling to someone at the top of the road.

She is a lovely woman, very dynamic and always doing something for someone, people like her are good for the neighbourhood and we are very lucky to have her as our neighbour.

Woke to find my arms all cramped up and locked into one position really took ages to get my arms to unclamp finally the THC helped me to relax enough to ease the tension in my arms.

My right hand has gone a wee bit strange today with my fingers pointing in different directions at once which makes typing a different experience altogether.

Fingers keep including letters that totally change my text and sometimes find I have even drifted off and written something I did not mean to write.

Strange especially when the fragment of texts bears no relationship to the rest really none whatsoever.

Strange when that happens but am often aware that thinking can happen at many levels, so while I am writing this somewhere else my brain is also working on various ideas that I previously was working on.

Just like the times when a word or name will suddenly bubble up and sometimes I can’t remember why I have remembered.

Usually can recall why eventually but it takes a while to retrace my thoughts until I remember.

Life happens like that too it suddenly bubbles up like yesterday when Jean (fellow student at Middlesex) phoned me which was great as have not managed to speak to her for 1 1/2 years was good to hear her voice.

She is 72 now and planning to do another study, we both did the BA and MA in Criminology, Jean wants to do the PhD now which is excellent.

Having Jean in the class made life a lot more interesting as she is very questioning and argumentative which suited me fine as that is me too.

Delighted to hear that Jean wants to visit in September with Kieran, one of her sons, should be fun to see her again, she is a brilliant woman.

Really made the Criminology course so much better meeting Jean, we had some very good times together on the course, great intense discussions and lots of support for each other..

Shall look forward to seeing her again in September.

Once I had reassured her that I very interested in hearing how she was and did not agree with her that she should not talk about what has been happening to her as it was only piffling compared to what’s happening to me.

Turns out she had a problem with her hands and they were operated on but instead of helping they are now worse and painful.

She did not phone for ages as the pain and discomfort were getting to her but she did not want to burden me with moaning about her trifling problems.

Said the Kieran, who met me said phone Herrad sure she will want to know, sure she does not only want to focus on her MS.

He was right, I told her that Kieran was correct and boy was she relieved, ah the sweet woman.

No wonder she has not been in touch she did not want to upset me well glad she phoned yesterday and I could tell her to please keep bothering me that is why I am here for.

Happy days!

Hope they are for us all.

Having a quiet day after being woken up at around 8 am by enthusiastic people arriving at the Fijnhout theatre across the road from us.

As they are actors, their voices carry along way so we could hear every beautifully pronounced word.

All was punctuated by theatrical laughter it was a wonderful performance worthy of a bigger audience than just the half a dozen apartments who got the benefit this morning.

Had to remind myself this morning that it was a treat when I got so cruelly woken up.

If the actors were not enough, the dogs heard another dog, I did not, but that of course was not the deciding factor as just as soon as the actors stopped braying with laughter the dogs started barking big time.

Luckily Richie managed to persuade them that it would be better for them to shut up which they just could manage to do.

It is another hot and stuffy day, the sun is mostly behind the clouds but it is there as you can feel it.

The first thing that I say to Richie in the mornings lately is please turn the fan on before I can manage ‘Good morning’.

Wonder how other people with MS are feeling today, I am feeling vey limp and rather looking forward to the cooler evening.

My hands are pretty useless in this heat every time I stop doing something my hands clench up into a floppy fist.

Everyday as it gets closer to the time when I get hoisted out of bed, my fingers start to bunch up and it becomes more and more difficult to do anything.

Have been very fortunate that I can sleep alright these days which is brilliant as did not enjoy waking up regularly at 5 am and having to try to lie quietly for hours until Richie woke up.

What really annoyed me about waking up so very early was hearing the pigeons try and make a concerted effort to work out how to use the bird feeder.

The last time I heard the pigeons try to climb onto the bird feeder they just looked at me and that was it until the dogs came trotting in and sorted it right away.

Of course that sort of stuff gets rewarded so they rushed off delightedly to collect their biscuits.

The dogs love their biscuits, used to be made by me but Richie does it now which I still miss doing so much.

It's a very rewarding thing to do as homemade are so much better and you know precisely what you have put into them.

Ours are a mixture of flour,oats, baking powder and olive oil and chopped up peanuts mixed and gently kneaded into one lump and pushed onto a baking tin and flattened and pre-cut into pieces and put into over for 30 minutes on a slow cool oven.

When they are crisp enough they are ready and need to be left to cool, usually take two out to cool off and give to the dogs that have been waiting patiently, usually n front of the oven.

The recipe is

Dog Biscuits:
1 mug flour
1 mug oats
1 mug chopped up peanuts
1/4 mug olive oil
1 spoonful of baking powder
mix oats and flour
add oil and mix throughly adding 2 spoons of water if needed knead slightly and form into a ball and push into a flat tin, push flat with hand rolling pin.
cut into squares so when cooked can be broken up into biscuits
place in cool oven@ 150 degrees
for 40 minutes or until cooked
they must be crunchy, can be baked twice.
cool and break up and keep in air tight tin.

At the moment the dogs are off monitoring what Richie is doing, and what he could maybe be doing if they only used their thinking capacities.

Wish I could use my capacities better than I can;wish somehow I could still work but I keep forgetting that I am a cripple, a bona fide poor sick person and as such will never get harassed again.

Unless their computer system goes very strange I will never be called up again and there will be no more work for me.

Something that was a great relief to me when I was at home just after my shock diagnosis in 2006.

It is pretty amazing to me now that it is only a mere 3 years ago since our lives got turned upside down so drastically.

Wish now when my work put me on inactive that I had refused and demanded to get back to work and made them carry out adaptions to the Service desk office.

At the time I was so shocked at the diagnosis and the fact that walking pretty much stopped just after the diagnosis.

I managed to get to the neurologists appointment to be assessed ok and even managed to shuffle down to the hospital for the results but the next appointments had to get on the bus at the end of my road,

Then just managed to get there and back with help from the bus driver and passengers on the bus that drives long the Prinsengracht, and Richie helping me on and off.

Took me forever to get about but could still get about, after I went for the first MRI I had a couple of weeks holiday.

Being at home made life easier as could manage to move around there by holding onto everything and until mid October 2006 could still get up and down the steps to the front door with a little help.

Did still get over the road for my physio sessions though noticed that every time I finished I was in great pain and could hardly manage to drag myself upstairs again.

Realise now of course that was my last gasps of mobility, if only I had some support after diagnosis.

But there was none available which amazed us both as we expected this aspect to be well organised here.

At the time the hospital I attended had no MS nurses, so there was no one to talk to or turn to for help and advice after diagnosis.

So we did then what we do now which is use our own common sense, shame though that there was no one to talk to.

Felt very alone and isolated with my problem as if I were the only person with MS.

Sitting here feeling like half a woman, it is a strange feeling for me, after my life with my parents I have always had to be in control.

MS has rather derailed everything so it amazes me that despite having no physical capabilities I am still so mentally capable.

Nothing wrong with the mind which was one of the reasons I wrote about other things and not just endlessly about the progress of my MS.

So important for me to know that despite my physical disability I can still write about the things I believe in.

And the other important thing is that I have MS but it has not got me, I am not totally defined by MS.

I am more than the MS we all are.

It really is so very difficult to come to terms with this debilitating disease and needing everything done for you.

Was very aware yesterday after my shower that Richie has to do it all as I can’t even apply cream to my body or face.

Try to accept that plucking the black hairs on my chin is a thing of the past and cleaning and filing my nails also not possible not by me.

My needing personal care was at first a very upsetting and intrusive thing; happily it is not like that with Richie.

He is so very sensitive and careful in all ways which is very good for keeping me reassured that I am safe.

Know Richie often feels that he is being very intrusive and heavy handed which could not be further from the truth.

But how can it be anything but strange to have been in bed now for close to 11 months, am aware I am constantly right now on the verge of sobbing at the horror of it all.

Horror certainly at the loss of movement, the enforced isolation at home, mainly in one room, the missed opportunities to interact with my immediate outside environment is all very upsetting.

Really miss my trips around the block with Richie and the dogs, and trips to the market, used to go at least twice a week.

For me a market is a meeting place for the people from the neighbourhood and can’t be replaced by supermarkets which are so incredibly impersonal.

Looking forward to being able to go there soon, had hoped that I would be starting to sit again in May.

But then it became in June and now it is already July, seeing as the month has only just started have to be very patient.

Am very torn on whether it will happen or not, concerned that I will have to wait until August and by the time I get out the weather might have gone from hot to cold and wet.

Getting really concerned how it all works out, sometimes totally doubt that it is going to be possible for me to go back outside ever again.

Starting to believe that a life in bed is all that I will have, if that is so have to make the best of it.

What would that be like, when all I really want is to get out and about and roll up the street in my electric wheelchair smiling and talking to neighbours on the way to the market.

Oh well for now I have a dream of getting out soon going to keep it alive.

No matter what happens have to keep hope alive always have to do that to make life bearable to keep from getting stuck in negative thoughts and feelings.

Really no point to negative thoughts they just drain out all joy and that is not good; with a handicap you need more not less joy.

Hope the weather does not go bonkers and get all our MS symptoms going mad this weekend.

Intend to put all my questions and worries to one side and concentrate on right here and right now.

That is after all what we have The Here and Now going to enjoy it now.

Can't believe how bloody hot it is today it is just 1 pm and it is extremely hot and getting unpleasant already.

Richie is in a right old state too because of this horrible hot weather it is really unbearable now at 1 pm hate to think what it will be like at 3 pm when it is at its hottest.

Find it difficult to gather my thoughts today as am boiling hot must try and think of other things to take my mind off things.

Last night was remembering when I was attending Hillcroft College in London.

http://www.fejobs.com/JobSeekers/RecruiterProfile.aspx?EmpNo=27678


To do the Certificate of Higher Education so I could go to University, while at Hillcroft a group of us from the Sociology class were allowed to visit some prisons in London.

This was organised by the tutor running the Sociology class, she got us permission to visit

Latchmere House- category D
http://www.hmprisonservice.gov.uk/prisoninformation/locateaprison/prison.asp?id=494,15,2,15,494,0

Feltham Young Offenders Institute
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2000/nov/23/socialcare.crime

http://www.hmprisonservice.gov.uk/prisoninformation/locateaprison/prison.asp?id=364,15,2,15,364,0

Pentonvill Prison
http://www.hmprisonservice.gov.uk/prisoninformation/locateaprison/prison.asp?id=632,15,2,15,632,0


http://www.prisonreformtrust.org.uk/subsection.asp?id=405

Belmarch Prison

http://www.hmprisonservice.gov.uk/prisoninformation/locateaprison/prison.asp?id=254,15,2,15,254,0

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/3714864.stm

Latchmere House had just been re-designated a resettlement prison which meant this was a prison from where prisoners could be resettled in the community.

It was a strange place with the usual security in place, we were all allowed in searched and had to leave our bags at the gate.

Inmates had keys to their cells which were called rooms but looked like a pokey prison cell.

It was like a Category c prison with the addition of a few classes to satisfy the resettlement aim although there did not seem to be anything in place to justify their new status at the time.

Prisoners we spoke to were unimpressed when the screws/guards were not present.

Feltham Young Offenders Institute was like visiting a monkey house and felt unpleasant especially when you saw that had it not been for circumstance most of the boys there could have been doing better than being warehoused in this zoo.

Most of the lads wanted to impress us and leapt around desperate to shine, poor boys.
Only one unit really worried me and that was the one for murders, here they were showing us the lads preparing a meal to eat with their families.

The other unit that upset me was the wing for the disturbed lads, as if they all were not disturbed.

This unit was called Albatross a name which even the lads thought unfortunate, the boys in that unit were very sad and I had my doubts whether they would receive any real help during their sentence.

Pentonville was one big toilet, it is a very old big London prison just up the road from King’s Cross Railway station in the centre of the city.

It was overcrowded and full of prisoners of all ages and sentences, most of the prisoners were on short to medium sentences and were very keen to talk to people from outside and this time women which seemed a huge treat for some.

None of the many prisoners we saw had educational classes to occupy their time while they were doing their sentence.

N or was there any work for them so hundreds of bored men had nothing to do to pass time inside and nothing to give them a new perspective on life.

Really sad and a wasted opportunity to make a change for the better for the prisoners and the wider community.

It was noticeable that the Rule 45 prisoners, on the closed wing for prisoners who were their for sex offences or because they were vulnerable or otherwise not suitable for the main stream wings were not as able or willing to have any contact with visitors.

Think this was more to do with the screws and less to do with the prisoners themselves, think they were told to not talk to us.

Some did when the screws were down the other end of the wing.
I had taken several packets of Dutch hand rolling tobacco with me and left one with papers in the four wings we visited.

We were told after our visit that no other students would be allowed in because we had distributed tobacco.

Belmarsh was a totally new prison for Category A prisoners.

‘’Between 2001 and 2005 Belmarsh Prison was used to detain a number of people indefinitely without charge or trial under the provisions of the Part 4 of the Anti-terrorism, Crime and Security Act 2001, leading it to be called the "British version of Guantanamo Bay"[1]. The law lords later ruled that such imprisonment was discriminatory and against the Human Rights Act[2]
It is often used for the detainment of prisoners for terrorist related offences. In September 2006 the number of such prisoners was 51.’’

When we went there in 1991 it was not long open, remember it as a very creepy unpleasant place with no where which was not observed.

Their flag ship was the course they offered prisoners who were considered ready for release.

These prisoners were given a cleaning course and given assistance to set up their own cleaning firms when they were released from prison.

A whole wing was dedicated to this and there were huge rooms with a variety of floors for them to learn to clean.

The lucky prisoners were not so impressed and there were few who thought this scheme would work and would keep them from reoffending long term.

Who is going to-employ ex prisoners as cleaners and who is going to give a cleaning contract to a business run by ex cons.

Which bank is going to give them a loan to set up their company.

Think the answer is no on all counts and I wouldn’t be surprised if this scheme did not get abandoned quickly once they realised it looked good on paper but did not have legs to go anywhere.

A usual with these sorts of brilliant ideas it is at the cost of the prisoner’s futures.

Before I visited the prisons I was already against incarceration as the answer and after visiting and then taking a getting a B.A and an M.A in Criminology at Middlesex University I became convinced that incarceration was not the answer.

In all the prisons we went to there was little to nothing for people to do, educational classes that were available were very limited and most were getting cut.

Recreational classes were all gone and the only thing most could do was go to the gym and turn themselves into bigger and fitter prisoners and eventually ex prisoners out on the streets pumped up and ready to fight.

There is no possibility to change their lives without educational classes, which most never had when they were school age, and recreational activities to re-socialise them.

Without the opportunity to see and understand the implications of what they have done and have the opportunity of acquiring new skills to make a new life most if not all will reoffend and be back behind the prison gates which are like a revolving door.

As a society we can not just warehouse people on the scale we are now, have heard that some States in America face bankruptcy because they have so many people in prison.

People are our biggest resource and we should be able in 2009 to devise a system that does not throw people away but gives them the opportunity to reinvent themselves and contribute to the community.

Glad I wrote this as it helped me to cope with the heat, at 2 pm there was a tropical down pour and an hour later the sun came out again and just like in the tropics it is super hot again can hardly wait for my shower and clean clothes.

This heat is really killing me today have had a fan right next to me all day and still was dissolved in a puddle of sweat.

Really have felt very ill today and couldn't hardly lift my head from the pillow this morning.

All my MS symptoms were exagerated through this extreme heat.

Then it got even hotter this afternoon and it seemed like all activity had ceased and that I would not be doing much for the duration of this heatwave.

The thought of being so incapacitated for the rest of the summer is real depressing.

Around 7 this evening was bursting into flame and felt like tearing my skin off that was how bad I felt.

Luckily once Richie put some more cool packs around me I started to feel abit of relief and then luckily a breeze started up and finally I cooled down and could eat dinner.

Really happy that it finally got cooler tonight and I could relax mind you it was midnight when that happened.

Hope we all have a better day tomorrow.

"Unable to suppress love, the Church wanted at least to disinfect it, and it created marriage."

Baudelaire




Been thinking about my childhood in Trinidad and been wondering where my distrust and dislike of the church comes from.

They, my dad’s family were quite a crew; dad had 3 sisters living, Auntie Evelyn, Auntie Verna, and Auntie Josephine my favourite Aunt and my dad’s favourite sister and 6 brothers of which I only met two Edgar and Hugh.

The other brothers had long left Trinidad and had lost touch with the family; three were believed to be in America and 1 in South America.

Auntie Evelyn had 3 kids and Auntie Verna also 3 and Auntie Jo had 8 living kids, she had 4 girls Maureen, Doreen, Aileen and Coleen and 4 boys Angus, Mark, Desmond and Vincent.

After early mass we would quite often drive over to St. Fernando where Auntie Jo and Uncle Keith lived for Sunday lunch and lime with the whole family.

Church was as usual abit strange as the priest seemed to always greet my father in a slightly odd manner never looking at him directly.

He was always by the door greeting everyone as they walked in and I observed that it was only my father that he greeted without looking him in the face.

The same priest was very cold to me after I asked him questions in catechism classes, first he invited all us kids to ask anything we liked and when I did he got very frosty.

Very strange, as a kid I did not understand that at all, why I couldn’t ask questions when first it was encouraged.

After all I was only asking why things were not fairly distributed and why we as good Catholics did not seem moved by the poverty and injustices around us.

Surely it was written in the teachings of the church that you helped each other so why was that not happening why were so many others suffering.

I really believed what I had read about caring and sharing, surely as good Catholics we should be doing something, with hindsight realise now this was all too much for the poor priest.

So he resorted to ignoring me or he would ridicule everything I said and would treat me rather unkindly.

On top of this my poor dad seemed to be being treated strangely and when I asked him he would not talk about it.

One time the Bishop was there to do the First Communion and he called my father to him after the ceremony and spoke to him on his own.

My father never mentioned what the Bishop said and we knew, my mother and I, better than to ask if he said nothing.

Not talking was what my parents were experts at; well not talking about the things that mattered like the stresses each of us experienced settling into life in England.

I was only when I was fifteen that I found out why the priest in Trinidad had been strange to my dad.

One day my dad called me to him, my mum was in Germany visiting her family, and dad seemed desperate to talk.

It took him ages to tell me what was on his mind, first he alarmed me as he was muttering that what he had done was a dreadful sin.

And just w hen I thought here it comes I am adopted he said ‘’ that he hoped I would be able to forgive him some day’’

Was really alarmed thought that I was about to hear something really bad and instead heard that he had been married before he met my mum.

He told me that he had 2 girls from his first marriage and one of them, the older Yvette, would be visiting us the next day.

I was amazed, more so that he had thought it was a sin, but of course did not realise he was only repeating the official church line.

Divorce was seen as a huge sin by the church and marrying again the worse thing you could do and my dad had done both.

It is only now years later that I understand the situation for my parents.

Dad was excommunicated and although they would not physically stop him from being in church he could not receive communion.

The time the Bishop spoke to my dad, he told him that he was surprised that seeing as he was such an embarrassment that he was still living in Trinidad.

The Bishops advice was do everyone a favour and leave the Islands, which is what we did do in 1962 when we moved to England.

I had huge question marks about the church and its teachings and did not believe what they said.

It seemed hypocrisy to me and hearing my dad’s story convinced me that my gut instincts had been correct.

Once I left home I never went to church and decided that I did not need any big daddy figures telling me what to do.

I did not like the hypocrisy that I had seen and felt that I could and would take control of my own life.

I would make my own decisions based on principles of justice and equality and human compassion and not based on any superstition and prejudice.

I would take full responsibility for my life and my actions, which I have done, have also never insulted or abused anyone for their beliefs.

As far as I am concerned everyone is free to believe what they want as long as they do not force me to join them.

I like to treat everyone with the respect that they deserve as human beings, and believe that everyday we should carry out random acts of kindness on the principle that what goes round comes round.

We human beings need each other to survive.

Woke up, and just as I realised that I was awake I started to cry like a baby, it was an involuntary howl of despair and pain.

Richie was right over to me, putting his arms around me and stroking my forehead and kissing me gently.

The crying startled me too and it has made me realise that it is an automatic thing that is happening more often.

Makes me realise the big effort that I make in keeping positive and doing my best to be here and now and not be putting something automatically off to another date.

Think rain checks can often lead to bad habits which harm yourself only and that is an important message that I needed to learn..

Glad I started this blog in 2006, at the time I was in shock about the MS diagnosis, really glad our friend Cecile suggested starting a blog, as it was a very good suggestion.

At the time when I heard the words ‘’ Why don’t you start a blog’’ this filled me with panic, and then I got super worried, thinking what could I possibly have to say?

And who would want to read this and surely I am not good at writing could not possibly express myself well.

And so it went endless questions and panics until the day when my local pool which had just opened again after an expensive rebuild could not accommodate handicapped swimmers.

That was when I realised having a blog was having a voice and being able to use it, suddenly could really understand why a blog was good.

Now I can’t imagine my life without my blogs and the blogs I read.

My friend Cecile, who recommended I create a blog has got a blog
http://lacile.wordpress.com/ and is involved with Streamtime http://streamtime.org/ .

Both are very interesting and well worth a visit.

Have just encountered two more blogs that I really like one is Joan’s blog

http://joansnewmusings.blogspot.com/

Joan lives in Scotland, love her photos of flowers and birds and glimpses of the Scotland.

And the other is Chessie’s

http://chessiestales.blogspot.com/

Love the motorbike rides she goes on and the photos she takes o0f her trips.

It reminds me when I had a 250 cc Greeves, motor cycle, had a great time riding around on that bike.

Went to the Grand Prix Races at the Isle of Man in 1973 which was great fun, recall that after the days racing we would do the course and try and match the racers, well in our dreams we could beat them!

Lovely memories.

Despite the heat which has intensified all the pain and discomfort to an almost unbearable level I have still had a lot of pleasure already this week.

Seeing Marianne on Tuesdays is always a pleasure, she is such a nice kind woman, a real sweetheart.

She works with pre school kids and I am sure that they really love her; on her first visit in 2007 we went to the shops and the market.

On the way there we passed a group of young lads, all between 13 and 15 trying to look tough, until they saw Marianne and then it was cries of ‘’Hallo Juffrouw Marianne’’ turned out it was boys she has looked after at the crèche.

Thought this spoke very highly of Marianne if tough teenagers were delighted to say hello in public, mind you for all the pretend toughness they were sweet kids.

They even had abit of a verbal dispute as to which one would hold the shop door open for us and bade us farewell with huge beams.

You could see that they felt really good as a result of our encounter as we did too.

Think that is what we all do for each other, we acknowledge each other and each others story and that is the valuable element of the blog world we all validate ourselves and each other.

Our stories matter and need to be put there for ourselves and for each other.

Have a good day.