Doing My Best.

Celestial Pablum. 1958.

Remedios Varo.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remedios_Varo

Yesterday I was not only shocked by the blood clots, but by my constant collapsing in bed and having to keep asking Richie to adjust my position in bed.

Hate the fact that my muscles in my torso are now too weak to keep me upright in bed so that I need many cushions to prop me up.

As well as Richie adjusting me every 5 to 10 minutes, Richie was ok doing that for  me, as many times as I needed.

I hate the fact that no sooner has Richie sat me up well that I immediately start to lean to the left.

This feels so horrible, especially as I can not do anything to alter my position even when I am practically lying on my side.

Not easy to type or do anything when I am slowly sagging to the left, until I have collapsed, I try very hard to stop this happening.

But there is nothing that I can do, and that is something that I really hate, that I am totally powerless to do anything to help myself.

Being able to sit up in bed seems a thing of the past right now, I will be getting a set of cushions, like a sort of cocoon to support me sitting up in bed.

It is another lovely  sunny day which despite feeling so bad  I am doing my best to enjoy though it is not easy.  ..

Spring Equinox

 Remedios Varo.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Remedios_Varo

Today is the Spring Equinox and the days are getting longer and spring is really happening now.

This morning started very gently, the sun was shining and it was a very nice spring day.

Then I had a huge shock when Richie hoisted me out of bed and put me into the shower chair, as he had discovered blood in my catheter.

One of my nightmares is blood flowing in the catheter; luckily it turned out to be a blood clot which happens quite often with catheters and not flowing blood.

Still it gave me quite a turn and got me very upset, especially as it was so sunny and lovely.

It was the last thing on my mind, but then again why should it be on my mind especially on a day like today.

I guess that this is always in the back of my mind and how can it be otherwise with this nasty disease.

What I try to do is be aware without thinking about it all the time and letting it drive me mad with worry.

A difficult balancing act but one which I try to do everyday, most days I manage well and I did even today.