Sunday, February 28, 2010
Very wet Sunday, the very last day of February for this year, somehow it feels like the end of February has happened quicker than normal.
Of course I know it is not quicker, it is only my perception, which has changed, and I suppose it is all to do with being in the moment.
Making the most of every second, somehow this has helped me to stop worrying about what will happen.
As if worrying in advance could somehow protect me once it had happened, like some sort of pre-emptive worrying.
It has always been a strange logic but it never held me back in the past from wasting time worrying about what if.
Realise now that stress is not good for me, best to try and keep it to a minimum, which I seem to be managing well.
Somehow this has resulted in me not being worried about each day and as a result they seem to have been flying past.
Very aware that every day is precious and can never be done again, today will never happen again no matter how much I may want to replay it.
Also very aware now unlike last February that I may not see another February, I hope I do but there is no way of knowing for sure.
Mind you realise now that none of us know what the future holds for us or even if we have one.
This realisation makes living in the moment even more important now I fully understand that there are no other options.
One thing is for sure that the end of the year and the start of the New Year do not fill me with dread as they used to.
Used to get very thoughtful and introspective and would make myself have New Years resolutions which I did not believe in and they were usually broken by the 5 of January.
This was in the years before Richie when life was not as good as after I met my darling Richie.
Time became very precious to me after meeting Richie, realise now that trying to hold on to time can’t be achieved and only at a huge cost.
Holding on means you do not fully appreciate what you have, it means you are so focussed on holding on you can not enjoy the moment you are in,
It means living like my mother who worried about everything and ended up not noticing any of the good things.
Do not want to live like she did and do not think that I do, think if there was one thing I learned from observing my mother was that life is there to be enjoyed not endured.
Let us all enjoy the moments now.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
It is a grey cloudy damp Saturday, nearly the last day of February 2010, amazing how quickly it comes around.
Always amazed how quickly it is February and then March before I know it.
A good friend of ours Cecile's birthday was yesterday, we surprised her with a big bunch of multi coloured tulips.
Was a huge surprise for her getting the flowers brought round to her appartment in the morning.
Lovely to hear how happy the flowers made her feel, we are both very pleased about that.
Me especially as its good to feel that I can have an impact even though I can't be there, would love to have been there.
Lovely to hear that she had a pleasant day, good to have a party whenever you can, really think you can not have enough parties.
Any excuse as far as I am concerned, and birthdays are I think such very special days.
The cloud cover is thinner now and there is a glimmer of sunshine and blue skies, maybe tomorrow.
Heard just now from our friend in Wales that spring is happening there, how lovely to think of snowdrops and crocuses.
Should be happening here quite soon, used to look forward to seeing them for a brief few days on my way to work.
Lovely sight a roundabout full of crocuses in full bloom, there was never any sign it would happen.
Just one day in February the bus would swish by in the morning and there they were in full bloom, a gorgeous sight.
A week later and it was all gone again until the following year, briefly a beautiful display.
Feeling reasonably ok today, well as ok as it can get living with constant pain and restrictions.
Of course this feeling of ok is thanks to thc and nothing else, it really helps me to deal with my situation.
Managed to sleep well last night, always good when that happens, good to drift off with the help of thc and not as sleeping pill.
Thc does not have negative side effects not like the sleeping pill, difficult to wake up from it and difficult to sleep without pill the next night.
Great fruit smoothie apple juice and a nice snack of cracker with butter and cheese and Branston pickle
It is Scotland versus Italy in the 6 Nations Rugby Tournament now; it is taking place in Rome, looks like nice spring weather there today.
Very much enjoying having Richie sit next to me watching the rugby.
Happy days with my darling Richie.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Raining today, Richie says it is damp and windy and unpleasant, shame as it is 26 February and we are moving swiftly towards the beginning of spring.
Richie is making a big fry up for our brunch, it smells very good, hope it arrives soon as thinking about it and smelling it has made me extremely hungry.
Had very good nights sleep last night, seemed to be in a very good dream, perhaps even several dreams.
A good friend Cecil's birthday is today, we ordered a big bunch of tulips to be delivered to her before lunch.
Got a very excited telephone message around 11 am, that the flowers had arrived, she sounded very happy indeed.
Wish that I could transfer her voice from our answer machine so you could hear her pleasure.
Especially nice for me to do something like this, to be able to give a friend pleasure, when I can not go to her house to celebrate her special day.
By the sound of it food is here quite soon, have to get Richie to reorganise my body before attempting sitting up to eat.
That was delicious; it was a wonderful mixture of leftovers from last night with the addition of sardines.
Never thought of frying up leftovers and adding sardines could be quite as tasty as this was.
Wonderful and tonight Richie is making fish and chips with mushy peas and brown sauce and pickled onions.
Followed by his delicious prune and rum ice c ream, the coconut cream makes it super creamy, when Richie said he had made prune ice cream I thought it sounded horrible.
Then I tasted it and it is very good indeed.
Nice for me to get all these taste sensations, Richie cooks so well, nice to be spoiled rotten by my darling.
I enjoy it very much and so does he, it is an extremely good arrangement for the two of us and for our 2 Jack Russell’s.
Despite the pain and the weather it is a good day for me, hope that it is a good day for others too.
Let us all enjoy the moment.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Well here it is Thursday again so very quickly, the day when Ton will be here in 3/4 of an hour.
Ludwine, my former occupational therapist, who is now training to be the doctor’s assistant will be here with him.
Dreading it hope so much that there is some tiny sign of the wound getting smaller, any tiny sign is welcome.
Richie thinks there has been a tiny improvement hope Ton will confirm this when he gets here.
Just so I do not feel I am in total limbo, hate this feeling of being in stasis waiting for the moment to come.
I am going to do everything I can to keep looking for the positive, hoping for that tiny improvement.
That tiny sign like the first snowdrop or crocus gives us the hope that spring is stirring.
Really need a sign like that today; it is such a grey overcast day with a hint of sunshine just lurking behind the clouds.
There is definitely sunshine over to my right that just needs the cloud over to the left to ease off so that the full beauty of the sky and sun can be revealed.
Here's hoping for a breakthrough on many levels today, just like thc has broken through my pain now and I can relax and experience the day.
Maybe soon we will see the first signs of spring time.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Feeling a bit better, my nose is not running nor have I got a thumping headache or an added tightness round my chest.
Nice to be rid of that 'I feel like I'm dying' sensation, good to not have to be taking paracetamol regularly through the day.
Think it will be this time next week before all the symptoms of the cold have really gone and I am ok.
Nice that I can breathe better today, it was dreadful trying to breathe through my mouth and eat or drink.
Have never had to give this much thought before, what a nasty shock when I had such problems breathing and swallowing at the same time.
The only way to cope is to do everything slowly, which is no big deal, but did take me a moment to get the hang of it.
Weird to have to swallow so carefully but the alternative was not pleasant, noticed that getting a drop of liquid in the lung takes ages to clear.
Sleeping was also not so easy either, again breathing was not easy, could only take small breaths through my nose before I would have to breathe though my mouth.
Getting very fed up of hearing about Cheryl and Ashley Cole on radio stations and reading about them in the newspapers.
These shock horror stories about what celebrities do when they are away from home such as John Terry, Tiger Woods and now Ashley Cole really are so boring.
Shock horror young over paid and over pampered stars have sex with willing participants.
Who cares as far as I am concerned all I am interested in is the sport and not what they do in their own time.
Golf to me is not a sport that I have any real interest in, not like football, used to love playing hockey at school.
Playing in a team, operating well and being able to use the skills and abilities of the members of the team is what makes team sport so interesting.
Liked that aspect in my work on the Service Desk and at the Help Desk both jobs were as part of a team.
Good to know who your fellow team members are and what their qualities are, the team now is smaller.
But nonetheless effective, I know that Richie will always find a solution to most problems that is very comforting indeed.
Love to see him look at things very holistically and come up with solutions, this is so very reassuring for me.
Going to stop now so that I can find pictures and then popst this piece for today, nearly forgot to mention that my friend Toos will be around for a quick visit of 30 minutes.
Be nice to see Toos at 15.30.
The weather is changeable today, mainly grey and misty with occasional brilliant flashes of sunlight.