Thursday, December 31, 2009

Here It Is It Is Old Year's Eve-Enjoy The Moment.

Well here it is it is New Year Eve in Trinidad we called it Old Years Night and it was seen in with big parties.

I slept very well last night and would have slept even longer but was woken up by some kids letting off a big chain of fireworks right under my bedroom window.

Because you have to be an adult to purchase fireworks here, adults, usually parents get the kids their fireworks,

People from here regularly cross the Belgium border for fireworks, as they have heavier ones there.

Then they come back over a border crossing that has no supervision and they set off back to wherever in Holland with enough fire power to take out a small town.

After all this is the same technology, it is just pretty bombs really, my first New Years Eve here I dozed off in front of the TV and got woken up by something that sounded like Beirut being shelled.

It was happening front and back and there was an hour of just reels of Chinese fire crackers going off, and other big noises, two bars and a Chinese restaurant would all try and out do each other it was a solid sustained noise from midnight until 2 am.

I recall really feeling under siege that time.

Really do not like the fact that people give kids fireworks and let them roam around letting them off.

It has been going on since last week and getting more frequent since Monday this week, what is worrying is that kids do not seem to be aware of the risks they are putting themselves into.

Shame that everyone does not contribute to one account for a firework show and a really good show could be put on for the whole city.

Now that would be pretty, somehow there must be a way to make this happen, certainly would cut down on firework related injuries and deaths every year.

This was not the post I meant to write I wanted to write about feeling good today, I am enjoying the day, even the tension in the air that this is the end of the year and the end of the first decade.

Wish so much I could do more things for myself, am very glad I can type with my two fingers like now.

Very glad to be blogging and extremely happy to have been able to meet so many wonderful people via their blogs.

Your friendship, love, support and understanding have really boosted me so very much this year, I thank you all for the chance to get to know and appreciate you all.

Have a good Old year’s Eve and enjoy bringing in the New Year at midnight wherever you are.

Happy days in 2010.

PS Just had a visit freom Willes, our wonderful neighbour with choclates and apples and mandarins and dutch doughnuts fcor us, she is very sweet.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

It Is Life But Not As We Knew It.

Compared to Monday, yesterday was so much better and today I am typing using both index fingers.

At the moment my other fingers are not catching the keys, recently I have been spelling good as godo and thanks as thankos and a few other thigns like that.

I always add a fair amount of 0 in words as well as 7 and occasionally a few 2’s, weeding out all the letters I did not mean to select is often a hell of a lot of work.

Keep telling myself not to moan so much, and then I think why shouldn’t I occasionally vent my frustrations.

This is after all quite a fucked up situation, here I am, totally handicapped, my movement restricted to my shoulders, arms and head.

I am not going to ever get better again; nothing is going to restore my body to what it was, and all that has been taken from me now.

Used to be a fit woman, loved walking, enjoyed going to the gym and dancing, especially when Desmond Dekker played at the Melkweg or the Paradiso.

All that is gone now and now I am happy I still can use my index fingers, I really am happy about that.

Terrified that my index fingers will stop functioning, so Monday was extremely worrying for me.

My index finger keeps me connected with the world and that has been very important, to be able to be in communication with so many people is wonderful it really is.

It keeps me well and truly in the here and now, gives me the chance to contribute, allows me to speak and to communicate what it is like for me.

And it allows me the chance to see what it is like for others, it is good to exchange information and support each other.

It is very difficult coming to terms with such a life changing event as a diagnosis as MS and then one of Primary Progressive too.

And still I sometimes feel slightly apologetic if I moan or cry, got reminded by a friend yesterday that I need to cry that it relieves the tension and that I do not need to feel bad about that.

Mort was right to remind me of that fact and I thank him for that.

Of course I did know that myself but sometimes I do need to be reminded not to be so hard on myself.

Staying the here and now is not easy as looking to what lies ahead comes so naturally to me, think that I learned to do that at home out of self protection.

I am going to do ym best to not jump ahead to stay in the here and now and to enjoy what the moment brings me.

Looking out of the window on a very cold and cloudy day, a lid of grey clouds has settled over the city and the snow that came down last night is till there, it is snowy and icy here today in Amsterdam,

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Future is Still in the Future, The Present is Here Now.

Peter Blake

Yesterday my hands would not cooperate and I had big problems clicking the mouse, suddenly could not do anything, which was a horrible.

My right hand is getting worse; the fingers just would not hold the mouse so that I could use my index finger.

The index finger was curled up and would not straighten and could not click on anything even when I tried as slowly as possible.

It took me up to 5 minutes to click on something and then had to steer the mouse with one hand and click with the other hand.

All very frustrating and scary, really freaked me out to see and experience what the future may hold for me.

Been reminding myself to stay in the moment and not get too ahead of myself, the future maybe like that but it may not.

Not much point starting to live it now, better to leave it alone until it does happen and then deal with it.

The thought that I will not be able to use my laptop and communicate is almost too dreadful for me to contemplate.

The laptop and the internet have kept me going since last year, and finding so many wonderful people via the blog world has been a huge boost for me and one that I do not want to do without.

So I am not going to dwell on it, this did not really work for me last night as I lay a wake for hours, before finally sleeping at about 5 am.

It was an unpleasant wake up call yesterday; it felt like I was slapped round the face with the evidence of my hands not functioning well.

Got very upset while Richie was in the park, shocked myself by saying that I did not want to live like this and burst into tears.

This was when I realised that I did very much want to live and saying that I wanted to die made me cry lots.

Was sobbing that I wanted to live for as long as possible.

Was very glad to see Richie home from the park with the dogs and I could ask for his help in opening mails and getting the online newspapers and a radio station for me.

Later in the bathroom while Richie was showering me he told me how much he loved me and said that as long as I was with him everything was alright.

This really got to me, especially as I had been thinking of not being able to be here with him for too much longer and I started to cry and we cuddled.

Later when I was back in front of my laptop my fingers were cooperating again and I did not feel so desperate anymore.

Writing this has made me cry again, am quite damp around my face and throat, I am going to dry my face and post this after I have found some pictures.

Then I am going to take it easy and enjoy this splendid misty grey afternoon now that the faint glimmer of sun has departed.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Blimey! it is already Monday 28 December.

Blimey it is already Monday 28 December, doesn’t time go by quickly, guess it always did, just there were times when it seemed so very slow.

This is when you are getting to understand how things work; this is when you did not know that every year the big events happen at the same time.

Like birthdays and Christmas and New Year and of course Easter and mid summer, and in Trinidad Divalli and other festivals.

And once you have experienced these events several times, you start to remember them and you start to create a schedule or map for your reference.

After awhile when you get older, you pretty much know when things will happen and time seems to speed up.

It of course just passes at the same speed as it always did and always will it is just my perception is different at 8 than it was at age 8.

It has been a bright, cold day today, according to the weather forecast it is set to get very much colder.

We could have snow and ice for the New Year, that is when we usually get it here and not before Christmas like this year.

In 1981, it was a very cold winter, my first here in Amsterdam; I could not work out how come there were so many people wearing mountaineering boots in such a flat country.

When it got cold I totally understood and quickly got a pair of stout climbing boots, which kept my feet warm.

It snowed before Christmas in 1981 and it stayed until end of February, so I really did need those stout walking boots.

Still need warm footgear just not mountaineering boots, with thick sole just ones with a thick lining.

Going to post this and enjoy watching the dogs lying peacefully in their beds and the sound of a few children playing outside.

It is 4.30 pm and it is still light which is lovely.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Post Christmas Football.

Can't believe it is already the day after Boxing Day, now it is the countdown to the end of the year.

It will be loud here on Thursday, hope Spike and Marleen will cope as well as they did last year with the fireworks.

They are lying happily in their beds, playing with their toys and hoping we will give them some more of the delicious dog biscuits Richie baked for them last night.

We are having a nice relaxed day today, had a late lunch of fried egg, chips, slices of marinated crispy Tempe and fried bread and pickled onions and brown sauce.

Brilliant food, the haute cuisine of the English cafes, always used to like going to a greasy spoon in England.

Used to like ordering bacon, sausage, egg, mushrooms, beans and a fried slice (bread) and of course lots of hot sweet milky tea.

Occasionally a fruit crumble and custard as dessert.

We still have fry ups, now with slices of crisply fried Tempe and vegetarian sausages instead of bacon and meat sausages, sometimes we have fried slices of halumi (Cypriot cheese).

Football is on today, the post Christmas games; we have been watching the Arsenal v Aston Villa game.

In half time we watched an old episode of Dr. Who, even though we had both seen this one before it was still rather scary, I was glad Richie turned back to the game.

Still 0-0 and could end as 0-0 too as both teams are really battling with each other , as I typed that Fabregas scored a great goal for Arsenal.

What a game and getting better all the time now Arsenal are ahead, going to post this and watch the game.

Have a good day.