Last goodbye to Nick Leslie

Today is the cremation of our dear friend Nick Leslie who died a week ago yesterday.

Still can't quite believe it that he has died and will not be coming round to visit us again.

Last night I cried for the first time as the realisation grew that it was no strange joke that he indeed was dead.

A tiny fragment of a performance he gave on 30.1.2009 can be seen on Richie's blog


http://screamingrichie.blogspot.com/

The cremation is at 13.15 this afternoonm afterwards there is a wake at the Cameleon Theater where Nick often performed.

Should be alot of people there to remember Nick and say their last goodbyes to him.

Goodbye Nick.

Amazingly slept until 11 today had a quiet wakening actually woke up and had a few minutes respite before I felt all the pain.

It is strange how I have lost all feeling and sensation in my body but pain is always felt.

This morning enjoyed a few pain free minuted and then it all came flooding back, instantly the painful buzzy tingling started and very quickly had gone into the electric shocks and burning and pin pricks.

In some strange way it is easier to deal with now I know what is happening, just say to myself that it is the weird signals MS generates and not that something has gone seriouly wrong with my little finger or whatever else.

It also helps knowing that bags of thc will give me relief from the pain, so as soon as I start hurting I ask Richie to get me a bag of pain relief.

It is all a sort of virtual reality pain but despite that only to bloody real as it is all felt and only too clearly.

What a strange world we live in where there are so many chronic ailments and no cures for them.

The opportunity costs of all the handicapped people worldwide is huge, just imagine what could have been achieved with all those people working for a cause.

My cause as it is everyday is to make the most of what I have and to enjoy it as much as I can.

Thinking about Nick and missing his presence and realising more and more that his absence can not be filled by anyone else.

Wish I had kept his last message he left on our answer machine he always finished by saying ' this is Nick over and out '

I am not over and out yet and am determine to enjoy the day which I will do, the sun has been shining and it looks a pleasant day.

There have been the relaxed sounds of weekend in Amsterdam outside coming in softly through the double glazing.

Lovely going to sit and enjoy.

Another lovely day, sunny and blue sky but a touch on the cold side I am told.

Woke up quite slowly today which was pleasant, only to instantly feel all the pain as soon as I was awake.

As my whimpers got louder Richie reacted quickly to my whispered 'please get me a bag' and was back in no time with a bag of vapour.

Afterwards lay here thinking about what a strange life it has become for me where all I can do is lie around.

Difficult to accept that I do not have any balance left and can only sit because the bed can be put to a sitting posistion.

Mind you have not been able to really sit up properly as that would put too much pressure on the area of the sore.

Find it really difficult to adjust to a life so handicapped as mine is now, really can't believe it has happened so fast.

The pressure sore has helped accelerate the process so it is vital people do everything to guard against pressure sores.

Here I am slumped in bed now for 7 months, think that I am doing very well staying so cheerful.

In between times I cry my eyes out and bemoan what I can't do and then try and calm down and get on with it again.

It works but hurts but really aware that enjoying the moment and making the most of things was important as moments go by so quickly.

Became aware of moments getting away from us when I heard the sad news on Monday that our good friend Nick Leslie had died.

Have been quite shocked at the news especially as had been hoping to see him on my birthday.

Saw the dear man for the last time on the 30th of December when he came round for a visit, its a really odd idea that we won't see him again can't believe it.

Started to accept its true since the details of where the cremation will take place was sent in an email yesterday.

It said Nick Leslie had died this Monday, he was born same as me in 1951 and died age only 57, Nick was 7 months younger than I am.

This afternoon I shall especially enjoy as I think of our dear friend Nick and fondly recall amusing memories of the wonderful man.

Nick dying reminds me again how short life is and how good it is despite this fucking handicap, and even despite our lives being so comphrehensively demolished.

Happy to be here with my darling Richie this beautiful sunny Saturday.