Let’s seize the moment and enjoy it right here right now.

Since the last couple unpleasant times when my hands would not work I have been thinking a great deal about the progression of my MS and how that will affect us.

Been worrying about the effect on Richie and how I could spare him anymore pain, especially when I am even more handicapped.

The thought of not being able to use my hands and arms is unreal right now but then it all feels so strange.

In so many wayst is a very unreal experience going through this, it is something I could never ever have envisaged before.

Could never have imagined in 2006 that by the following year I would need so much help, that I would not be able do anything for myself.

Nothing whatsoever could have prepared me for this, it is too horrible to have dreamt up, it affects us both, Richie and I on so many different levels.

It has certainly had a good chunk out of my self image, now I know that is nothing to do with the physical more my attitude it feels better.

Been thinking about how the progression will affect and impact on Richie and myself, we have talked a lot about this.

One thing is for sure even though there are many uncertainties that Richie and I want to be together.

I have worried about this what it will be like for him and can I ask this of him, can I really put him through this.

For myself I know I would not w ant to be away from him, can’t imagine life without him, do not think I could or would want to live without my darling Richie, not now.

He in turn has made it clear that he wants very much to be here with me, to be by my side and help me; he just wants to be with me.

I am glad, I guess for both of us despite everything the only place we want to be is together, which is not surprising as we are such good friends.

Nothing I like better than spending time with Richie, laughing and talking about anything and everything and I intend to enjoy this for as long as possible.

Let’s seize the moment and enjoy it right here right now.

Now I have finished writing I can wipe the floods of tears that have poured down my face while writing this away and relax and enjoy this unique afternoon.

Here and now.

Been very down at times and it is not surprising with something like primary progressive MS.

It is very strange to lose so much so quickly at the beginning it really shook me and made me feel useless.

Could not bear to look at myself.

Realised that I was feeling useless because that is how it is seen in the capitalist system, you are either able to work and therefore useful or you are unable to work and seen as useless.

Not being able to work really shook me and my self image became distorted into a useless, sexless handicapped thing not even a woman a nothing.

That was how I felt then a little while later when I dared to look at myself in the mirror again I saw that yes I am disabled but still me still the same spirit the same love for life and for other people.

Decided that I would have to find some of love for myself so that I did not get sucked down into depression and surprisingly I managed glad I did as it has made life better.

It remains a weird thing though to contemplate that time does not stretch endlessly in front of me and that it is finite.

This is a reality for everyone but you get to contemplate this as a more immediate reality with a progressive disease such as MS.

Knowing that I do not have too long to live is a strange thought and one which makes me sad especially as I hate the idea of saying goodbye to my darling Richie.

It's horrible but it is also good as it helps me to really make the best of the here and now and enjoying my life.