Saturday, January 24, 2009

Here and now.

Been very down at times and it is not surprising with something like primary progressive MS.

It is very strange to lose so much so quickly at the beginning it really shook me and made me feel useless.

Could not bear to look at myself.

Realised that I was feeling useless because that is how it is seen in the capitalist system, you are either able to work and therefore useful or you are unable to work and seen as useless.

Not being able to work really shook me and my self image became distorted into a useless, sexless handicapped thing not even a woman a nothing.

That was how I felt then a little while later when I dared to look at myself in the mirror again I saw that yes I am disabled but still me still the same spirit the same love for life and for other people.

Decided that I would have to find some of love for myself so that I did not get sucked down into depression and surprisingly I managed glad I did as it has made life better.

It remains a weird thing though to contemplate that time does not stretch endlessly in front of me and that it is finite.

This is a reality for everyone but you get to contemplate this as a more immediate reality with a progressive disease such as MS.

Knowing that I do not have too long to live is a strange thought and one which makes me sad especially as I hate the idea of saying goodbye to my darling Richie.

It's horrible but it is also good as it helps me to really make the best of the here and now and enjoying my life.

5 comments:

Anne said...

Your post brought tears to my eyes. None of us likes to think about leaving our loved one (s), but I too think about it often.

With so many other things going on in the body besides MS, something is gonna kill us. It is inevitable.

But while we are here, why not make the best of it? And that is what you have chosen to do.

Many kudos to you, Herrad. You are a wonderful person and have much to share with us. Please continue to do so.

Onward....

herrad said...

Posting made me howl and had just got over that and was dry again when I read your comment and it started me off again!

Am dry again now and will play freecell for abitl

Onward..................

LISA EMRICH said...

Herrad,

I too started crying a bit reading this. You have such a unique gift to share.

Sharing your experiences, thoughts, joys, perspective, desires, etc is a gift to yourself and to us.

Thank you SO VERY MUCH!!!

I don't like the idea of living loved ones, nor do I like the idea of loved ones leaving me. But that is common experience in life for everyone. Too few people talk about it.

Also, too few people talk about what it is like to be primary progressive and see that life is not endless. Thank you again.

You are a wonderful person and have much to offer (just as Anne says). Bit hugs to you and to Richie.

Shauna said...

herrad,
I have to agree with Anne and Lisa,
you have much to share with us.

Your courage to continue to blog and give us details of your thoughts during the process of PPMS is a wonderous gift to the rest of us.

I am grateful for that.

S.

Richie said...

You are as beautiful as the first time I saw you. This disease robbed us of many things- we may have lost the physical but we are pure sex together. We have some weird ways of expressing our passion for each other now but we will never be sexless. We can only be seperated in time and space. Our love is eternal and you will always be the centre of my universe..