Sunday, March 18, 2007
Birthday with friends
Yesterday was my birthday it was a lovely day, Strangely I had been very worried about my birthday this year, really quite scared. Wanted people to come round just as always, wanted to party all night and knew that was a daydream and generally felt anxious about my birthday how would all go. What would they think when I need to go to the toilet and have to get all doors closed so that I can get into the toilet in my chair.Have to park in the doorway and heave myself up then try and maintain some sort of balance and quickly pull my trousers down and fall on to the toilet. Since yesterday I can't do this alone every time. Well I can sit down its getting back up again thats not happening. Sometimes I can do it no problem then suddenly yesterday that seemed to be totally over. That was horribly humiliating, this happened just before friends arrived. Real panic on my part my body seemed to be seizing up really made me scared did not know what was happening.Got in a right old state and even demanded we phone everyone and say please come any other time just not tonight. My darling realising I had not eaten well quickly sorted out food for us both. He also said don't phone and cancel you know you would love to see people and besides if anything they will love you more for being so scared and still going ahead with a wee party anyway. He said really don’t you worry they will understand and love you even more. Besides we are all only human so don't worry all the visitors are friends. Just for a second this worried me even more.Then when everyone got here bloody hell my panic levels rose to the roof, especially as I had to rush to the loo right on cue just as soon as people were arriving. Oh dear oh dear and then guess what it all went well and I had a brilliant time, we all enjoyed ourselves there was a lot of laughing. Got compliments on my new outfit told everyone it was a birthday present and who from. The bubbly was as bubbly as ever really love the stuff.All in all a brilliant conclusion to a worried day after panicking would it all go ok or should I cancel. Always love a birthday party, love to celebrate mine for at least a week really hated not wanting to celebrate this year. Talked with my darling and he said probably you are having a panic attack because you have not seen many people for the last couple of months. Really he said since November you have mainly just seen fellow cripples and got out of the practice of seeing your friends and then only in ones and twos nothing as scary as a group.