Learning From Hindsight.

Roberto Matta.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roberto_Matta 

It was amazing to realise yesterday that we had not been inviting anybody to come and eat with us since I had to stay in bed on the 21^st of August 2008.

Startling to make this discovery, which there is no doubt has contributed quite a bit to our feelings of being semi-detached from our friends here.

I'm so glad that when we spoke about it yesterday, we immediately decided that we needed to make a change and start to invite people more often.

Shame it happened, however there is no point in looking back and reproaching ourselves much better to look forward to doing something to change the situation.

Much better to look forward to being more proactive about seeing our friends and making sure we invite them often to eat with us.

Before I had to stay in bed with the huge pressure sore in August 2008, we were still enjoying friends regularly coming around for dinner.

When I was in bed for the first period, which was from August 21, 2008 until the end of October 2009 I was too depressed and couldn't cope with much.

The idea of people sitting around me in bed eating was one that made me feel ill at ease and self-conscious so I did not encourage dinner dates with friends.

With hindsight I realise now that it would have been better for both Richie and me, to have had more friends coming by, especially during that difficult first year.

Using this knowledge to make life better for both of us is more effective than endless reproaching; much better get on with life as it is right now.

Moments.

Roberto Matta.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roberto_Matta

After I woke up morning I started to cry, usually I try to hold back the tears, but once they start it is difficult to stop again.

Today it was more difficult to do so; my whole situation was really getting to me, and especially knowing there's nothing I can do to change it.

How I wish there was because I would do everything I could, but sadly it is neither in my power nor in the power of my darling Richie.

Richie does so much for t and I don't just mean the physical care, he makes my life so much better, he always has.

Crying has a function, today it was necessary to relieve the pressure that has accumulated recently.

One thing I'm about is that tell Richie immediately that I was depressed and could see no chance of my prospects improving.

It’s pretty depressing being in bed so long again, with seemingly no chance of going outside.

Sometimes it feels like I will never experience that again, when I had to go to the hospital recently I was briefly out in the fresh air and it was wonderful.

Even though it was only for a few minutes between the front door and getting into the ambulance still it was gorgeous to be outside.

Luckily the weather was wonderful that day, it was warm and sunny, sadly I did not see much of this beautiful city through the ambulance windows.

The crewmember who sat in the back with us told me where we were passing which was very nice of him.

Those few minutes outside were wonderful.  

Realistic Optimism.

Roberto Matta

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roberto_Matta.

Today the hot weather has been replaced by much cooler weather, which makes it more bearable for me.

Before I went to sleep last night I was thinking about how strange it is to feel my body becoming gradually more paralysed.

What I find difficult to handle is all the pain that goes with it, why does it have to be painful, isn't it enough that my limbs do not function.

Ever since I could no longer walk at all in April 2007, I could not understand why my legs hurt so much when they could no longer do anything.

Thinking about it I realised that people who are deaf are often plagued by horrible noises in ears.

The other thing I heard was that amputees still feel their missing limbs, which must be odd feeling your leg after it has been amputated.

I'm sure many people would agree with me that it is rotten, to experience such discomfort and pain once one becomes severely handicapped.

it is strange that this happens, I wish that I did not have to feel pain in my legs all the way up to my midriff.

Now that my arms are losing functionality, I am experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort in my arms too.

My arms get cramped up tightly, this happens spontaneously as well as any time that I laugh, yawn, cough, sneeze, then it hurts a lot until the tension eases again.

When I wake up in the morning that is the first thing that happens as soon as I am conscious, and it takes quite a while for the arms to feel better again.

Being an severely handicapped as I am now, it feels like I am daily witnessing my constant steady decline which will result in my death I think in the near future.

I hope it isn't for some time yet as I would like to live a bit longer, in 2010 when I had survived two years in bed with a pressure sore and could sit in my wheelchair again it made me feel quite different about being alive.

Because of this wonderful development I was no longer depressed, pessimistic and feeling like I did not have long to live, I wanted to live for at least another five years.

Since my arms had deteriorated so rapidly from the beginning of this year I'm having to reassess my situation.

I still want to live as long as possible but realistically I feel it may not be as long as I want,I am going to I'm going to have to be realistically optimistic.