Keep A Balance.

Jan Toorop 

http://www.wikipaintings.org/en/jan-toorop

Since Wednesday the days were really difficult for me because it was such shocking news about the air conditioning that it got me quite depressed.

Which is not how I want to be, especially as depression is one of the side-effects of Multiple Sclerosis.

I'm sure that depression can cause a lot of damage; something that I want to avoid is much as I can, for a brief period the news totally demoralised me.

Somehow I will have to try to keep a balance and not get too involved with fighting for my rights, but on the hand I don't intend to give up any time soon.

The whole way this is being handled just shows what the Amsterdam Council thinks of my application for air conditioning, they seem to think it is a frivolous request.

Of course it is not frivolous it is a vital necessity, Wednesdays heat wave confirmed once again why I needed it.

If I didn't get physically sick and unable to function due to the heat I would not want air conditioning.

In my opinion air conditioning is one of the contributors to global warming and the destruction of our weather systems.

My earliest memory of air conditioning was in the 50s in Trinidad, when an American school friend took a little group of us to her house.

I remember thinking that her house felt like a deep freeze which I did not like; I also recall being offered strange cheese sandwiches.

It was cheese like I've never seen nor eaten before; bright orange cheese spread in a jar, the other option was hot dogs, also orange.

I remember tentatively trying both but I could not manage to eat them, I was very glad to get home to a delicious curry.

The only other time I've experienced air conditioning was in 1997 when I visited Trinidad for the first time since 1962 when we had left.

The other thing I never thought I'd be using here in Amsterdam is mosquito nets, which we both have so that we can get a good nights sleep.

That is much better than swatting mosquitoes all night which is something that we had to do, especially in the last 10 years.

Today I feel a lot better especially as yesterday and today it has been cooler which is made my life a lot easier.

My intention now is to relax as much as I can and enjoy the weekend with my Darling Richie and our three delightful dogs.

I Am Who I Am.

18 to 21 are my favourite days before Christmas, I have always liked those days, even more in Europe, but it started in Trinidad.

I well remember the excitement of Christmas in Port of Spain, Trinidad; we lived on a hill, so it was lovely seeing people putting up lights on their homes below us.

Great to see that was still happening, when I visited in 1997; then the decorations were truly wonderful, funny seeing so much billowing fake snow in gardens in the baking heat of the midday sun.

There were lots of houses with Santa with sleigh plus reindeer, some were really too small, but that did not stop anyone, it was an amazing sight.

So glad I got back to my beautiful island in the sun, it was the best thing for me, I had many questions about where I came from.

Being there in 1997 gave me myself back, that’s how it felt, and it was truly wonderful to meet cousins, and their kids as well as my favourite auntie Josephine.

In 1997 I rediscovered my roots, my background, it truly helped me feel more me, more happy and understanding where i am from, that was aso important to know where I was born and why and how I am who I am.

Still Trini To The Core.

 

Fight Of The Lion And The Rhino.

Oleg Korolev.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oleg_A._Korolev

 So glad we don’t have hurricanes in the Netherlands, I imagine that would be bad news for all of us living on reclaimed land.

It would have flooded out here, as we are under the sea level, a scary idea indeed, while I was relieved we are not in the hurricane corridor, I was concerned for friends who were.

I have heard from a few, that they are alright, I also heard from one, Tracey’s Life that she and her family had to evacuate and yesterday she could still not return home.

I hope Tracey can go home soon; today would be very good for them, sadly I can’t find Tracey on Face Book or in the blog sphere.

Maybe she will be in touch soon, hopefully Tracey will have better news then, yesterday I got also got a comment from my Trini friend Rhapsody about Trinidad.

I looked at Google news as well as Trinidad newspapers; I read that there was a curfew because of gang warfare.

Then I phoned my lovely cousin Aileen in San Fernando, Trinidad and spoke to Philip, Aileen’s husband, he told me that the curfew was to stop the gangs.

Real shame they banned cannabis and thereby allowed Trinidad to be used as a hub for cocaine trafficking.

Horrible that this paradise should be spoiled by that drug, the good thing was that I had a lovely phone call with Aileen and Philip, and my own Trini accent came back after just two words with Philip.

Seems I could be taken away from Trinidad but Trinidad cannot be taken from me, I am still Trini to the core.

Flying Roofs.

 
The Illusory Fish, 2001.
 Oleg A. Korolev

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oleg_A._Korolev

I drifted off to sleep yesterday, hearing the continuous steady fall of rain outside, thinking about people coping with Hurricane Irene in America.

Richie and I talked about how hurricanes happen, how and where they occur, how they build up such extreme speeds.

Must be very scary to get caught up in, when I lived in Trinidad, I remember that the island often experienced high winds as well as heavy storms due to hurricanes starting in the Gulf of Mexico.

Our house was on a hill, so I recall seeing roofs flying off houses, and my mother being worried if my father was safe at work.

Sometimes phone lines would be down, and power would be off, but usually we only experienced the slip stream of the hurricane and never luckily the full impact of a hurricane.

Very worrying wondering how the bloggers I know in the USA is doing, I hope every one of them is safe.

Our weather has been awful, no summer in summer time, which is a shame for us, but must been badly for the farmers.

Temperature changes have been affecting us all; in Africa it has resulted in drought and famine.

In America they have been experiencing a lot of extreme weather in the last years, and now they have been sheltering from Hurricane Irene.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gulf_of_Mexico

http://www.nbii.gov/portal/server.pt?open=512&objID=1020&mode=2&in_hi_userid=2&cached=true

http://www.weather.com/newscenter/tropical/

Beautiful Memories.

Joan Erbe.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joan_Erbe

Today is a grey, rainy but calm, relaxed day, no spasms warning me that I need to be got out of bed quickly which is nice.

Richie fed me delicious raspberries and a small banana; they remind me of the small bananas in Trinidad.

There was a tree outside my bedroom window; we called them bird bananas because the birds always got there first when they were ripe.

Every time I would find the tree covered in birds and would have to run fast to get any as the birds could eat quickly.

Before you knew it all the fruit was eaten and we would all wait for the next time, sweet memories of Trinidad

Still find it amazing that we had banana, coconut trees and pineapple in our garden there, we had family as well as friends who had mango & avocado trees.

We knew people who had cashew nuts, cocoa pods, people who fished regularly; we had chickens and grew some vegetables like pumpkin, spinach, tomatoes, aubergines and herbs.

I remember helping bringing in the fishing net at the beach, joining in with other children and thoroughly enjoying myself.

Also remember helping friends collecting their lobster pots, at their large families beach house, the lobster curry for lunch was delicious, beautiful memories pleasant on a rainy day like today.

Fun Friday.

 
Necessary Bandages, 1942.
Emmy Bridgewater.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emmy_Bridgwater

Today the post brought two parcels; one contained a pair of high heeled black patent platform ankle boots that I bid for on EBay for 4, 45 pounds.

Never had shoes like these, the heels are 11 cm high, I can hardly imagine me in heels like that.

Tomorrow I will try them out, when we go out to the market, which will be good fun, almost need shiny trousers to go with them.

The second parcel contained 9 small packets of tamarind balls, made in Couva, Trinidad from Trini Food com http://www.trinifood.com/.

A wonderful taste of home, Trini tamarind balls, nice to taste them again, Richie’s are excellent, I just wanted ones from Trinidad for one time.

My father was born in Couva, so it was funny to click on them and find out that was where they came from.

The later on the postman called again, this time with a vintage poster of the film The Attack of the 50 Foot Woman.

Great fun Richie stuck it on the bathroom door, which has totally changed how that room looks.

Nice to be surprised by all three parcels arriving on the same morning, really enjoyed Richie opening them, it was fun.

  

The Only Way For Me To Be.

Surrealist Art.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Surrealism


Every day I repeat and reconfirm that I will not try to predict the future, will not try to work out what is coming next for me.

No point in doing that it would be a waste of my time, notice that I do have to keep that in my mind every day.

Have to remind myself at all times as it is so easy to start thinking what if and to get all worked up about nothing.

Perhaps even get so upset that I get extremely stressed, stress is not good for MS it just exaggerates everything.

Need to reconfirm daily that I will remain my optimistic self, the one that enjoys life despite or sometimes even because of this horrible disease.

I have always been a woman who likes to enjoy, always looking for a reason to have a party, love spending time with friends enjoying ourselves.

It is such a Trini attitude, think that despite having left Trinidad when I was just eleven years old I am still very much a Trinidadian.

Noticed that when I was there in 1997 how much at home I felt, it was a wonderful feeling to have especially as we had left in 1962.

Thirty five years might have gone by but my feelings for the beautiful island were all still there, it was amazing to experience.

To feel all the pieces falling into place and to have confirmation of who I was and where I was from was stunning.

As the customs official said at Piarco Airport when I complained at great length about having to declare an invisible suitcase, it was in Barbados, he said ‘’what took you so long coming home darling’’.

Knowing about my roots helped me to find and to understand myself better, it made sense of everything.

Reconfirming my intentions daily to remain myself and to stay in the here and now and not to get too far ahead of myself is a good thing for me to do.

It is in fact the only way for me to be.

Wet and Windy Friday.

Slept well again last night thanks to lavender oil and thc, even had a gentle waking up today, felt all the pain but did not moan with pain right away..

I did my arm exercises and Richie the leg exercises and massage and I was ready for the day.

Grey and wet and rainy today as well as cold, it is near the end of November so the weather is as it should be.

Richie is off doing a mega shop, the idea being that he does not have to do a big shop tomorrow and can take it easy.

That is how we like our weekends, preferably with no appointments; there are plenty during the week.

Here nothing gets done without an appointment here; they will make a date for coffee next month.

Very odd when I was new here, I had been used to people dropping by o0r calling up and saying we are such and such come and join us.

Not here, here you get your diaries out and make an appointment for coffee, the other thing I was used to in England that if we were in the pub and friends came in they would be invited to join us.

Here they do not go for that they may say hi but then go their separate ways, strange as it is so different, to what I was used to in England.

England in turn was nothing like as friendly as Trinidad where everyone limes with each other, the more friends the merrier.

Glad when Richie gets back, it is just 4 pm and it is getting dark, winter is coming quick.

Christmas will be here soon which is great.

Don't mind now that I have got Riche's presents organised, yippee!

Me and Dorthe in Trinidad.

Surrealist Art.


Yesterdays visit and post brought back other memories of 1997.

Later on after Richie moved back in March 1997, Dort he seemed to have stopped trying to steer my life.

Thought at the time that she had finally understood that she must not meddle with other peoples lives.

Later on in the year she came to me with her plan, she wanted to visit the Caribbean, she knew that I was in touch with my cousins in Trinidad.

They wanted me to visit and I found this a very exciting idea if a little bit scary too as it was so long since 1962 when we had left.

Dort he’s suggestion was that she pay for my ticket, if she could come out with me, that way she would get her Caribbean holiday and I would see my cousins and Trinidad again.

I let her persuade me that this was a good idea, and my cousins were delighted so the tickets were booked and paid for.

Dorthe was told how important this visit was to me, by myself, Richie and other friends and she kept saying she would be on her best behaviour.

She also promised that as she had a credit card, should I need it she could pay with her card and I could pay her back when we were back in Amsterdam.

We flew out in November 1997 for three weeks and stayed with my cousin Aileen in San Fernando.

It was amazing being back in Trinidad again, sadly Dorthe did not keep her word, and she was very difficult the whole time.

Afterwards I wish I had not done my best to avoid arguing with her, but had not wanted to spoil the atmosphere.

But that I guess was already badly compromised by Dorthe herself, she never once managed to show pleasure or say thanks once.

Very strange way of behaving, most people would be doing their best to let their hosts know that they were enjoying their stay.

She never did that, my cousins and their families were puzzled by Dorthe, I told them repeatedly that Dorthe's English was not very good.

Hoped this would explain things for them.

On the day we left Aileen and her lovely daughter Susan Christine drove us to the airport and bought coffee and sandwiches and cakes.

We sat and ate and talked before we had to go through to the Departure Lounge, we said our goodbyes, me in tears.

Heard Aileen saying ' Ah I see you are enjoying yourself' she always says this when people cry, while giving you a box of tissues.

Dorthe and I went to the Departure Lounge and right away she told me several things about Susan-Christine, Aileen's daughter that I did not know.

Before I could ask how come she knew she told me with a grin that she had read her diaries.

So that is what she had been doing every afternoon when she had been having her afternoon siestas.

She had not been sleeping she had been looking through the young woman's things, I was so angry with Dorthe.

Also for telling me now, luckily we had to move from our seats in the front row of the small plane, which was needed for mail and bottles of coca cola for Tobago.

We were seated at the rear of the plane, after the first landing Dorthe returned to the front, but I stayed in the rear of the plane.

I was only too happy to have nothing to do with her until we boarded the plane home in Barbados.

That gave me a couple of hours to regain my composure after the news Dorthe had read Susan-Christine diaries.

It seemed to work and in Barbados we had to sit together in the seats reserved for us.

I had decided that when we got back to Amsterdam I would not seek Dorthe out and instead would let the friendship go.

Could not be friends with Dorthe not after she had been so rude all through the visit and never said thank you once.

My cousin Aileen and her husband Philip and their kids had given us a brilliant visit.

We had been taken all over the Island, had been to a wonderful street party, been down the Islands and to the beach, visited Port of Spain.

It was an incredible time, we had eaten out regularly in top restaurants, all paid for by my cousins.

Dorthe had also refused to pay for things like cricket books and magazines for Richie, which I had wanted to bring back for him.

It was really dreadful that each time that I asked for financial help she would quiz me as to what the money was for and then refuse.

So deciding that once we were home in Amsterdam I would let the friendship go, this made it easy to sit next to her on the flight home.

Even then right at the end when we had come through baggage check and customs and I was waiting to see Richie, she tried to sow seeds of distrust.

She told me several times that seeing as I had such bad luck with men I should not expect to see Richie, as he was surely long gone.

Then just as it seemed he was not coming, Richie and Anja appeared and I blurted out to Richie ' oh wasn't sure you would be here' and Dorthe left right away for her train.

So well had she got to me just before Richie and Anja had arrived.

I burst into tears and Richie who had realised that Dorthe had got to me gave me
a bunch of flowers and said welcome home.

As it turned out I did not have to do anything, as the book saga finally terminated our friendship.

Dorthe promised me a C.L.R James book she had bought in Trinidad and did not want to read, she started to promise the book in February but 3 times she came round she forgot the book.

She promised I would get the book at my Birthday drink down at Cafe SAS on the Marnixstraat.

Again she forgot and eventually on Good Friday 1998 she phoned to say she was working in the bookshop and could I come down and fetch the book.

I went and we had coffee and she passed me the book and I started to remove the book markers.

She queried this and when I said that I was removing the markers now the book was mine she laughed and said ´give you the book, don’t be silly I am only lending it to you.

I nearly swore at her but decided not to and to leave quietly, which I did saying I am going before I let myself go.

This seemed to trigger an attack of rage in Dorthe; she started screaming abuse at me.

The customers in the shop looked on startled as she followed me through the shop screaming obscenities while I said nothing at all.

I cycled home very quickly and told Richie what had happened and said I wanted to phone and scream abuse at Dorthe but would not do this.

A week later just when I nearly called her I got a letter which started off by saying ´´Who do you think you are´´.

Got Riche to read the rest and he did and said it got worse and I decided to throw it away and never got in touch again.

A year later I got a call from someone whose voice I did not recognise, the voice told me that Matauk´s Trinidadian pepper sauce was available on the Albert Cuyp market.

When I asked who it was I heard it was Dorthe and when I asked why she was phoning me now.

She told me it was because she had decided to forgive me, when I said nothing she asked me why I said nothing.

I responded that I had nothing to say, and if I did I knew where to find her and became silent again and after a few minutes of silence Dorthe hung up and we have never spoken again.

This was in 1999 and I have never missed her once in all that time.

Enjoying the moment.

Another warm and sunny day today, we never got the rain they had forecast for the weekend, something we were both sad about.

Funny that this time I joined Richie in wanting rain, until 2007 and MS I never had a problem with hot weather.

The hotter the better, was really in my element, the time I went back to visit Trinidad in 1997.

Of course the first day the heat was a big shock.

Got off the plane in Barbados and was greeted by what felt like a wall of heat, it felt physical.

By the next morning I was getting used to the heat again, I knew enough to get up at 6 am so as to enjoy the hours until 10 am when it would start to get too hot to do much.

At my cousin Aileen this is when you had a swim and a float in the pool, coming out around 12 noon for a shower and lunch.

In the afternoon everything was done in a relaxed manner and some took a siesta mid afternoon, and all showered around 5 pm and reappeared cool and relaxed for an evening of liming with family and friends.

It was nice to reconnect with my Trini background, nearly did not go and visit, and was saying near the departure time, that it was so long since I had been in Trinidad so why go now?

Real glad that I did go as it gave me back myself, when I was there it suddenly became very clear where I was from and who I was.

When I got back to Amsterdam it really did me good, to know that I was a Trini, the love for that beautiful Island and the passionate argumentative people have informed and enriched my life.

It was good toe reintegrate the Trini element into my life, finally things made sense, and the missing element had been restored after I had visited my roots.

Which confirmed for me that my visit to the place I was born and lived until I was eleven was important and would always be important.

It has become an important element of me; it was something that I needed to embrace in order to feel whole again, to feel me again.

The MS diagnosis really did put a dent in my self image and my self worth.

Been trying to rebuild it ever since, which is not easy as every time I had just got used to one change, when another adjustment would be needed..

My MS was progressing faster than I could come to terms with the changes, both physically and mentally.

As I am typing my body is slipping over to the right and at the same time also going to the left, will have to call Richie soon to put me into a better position.

The left side of my body is desperately trying to keep my body upright and not succeeding too well, although I do seem to have been able to shift slightly back to the left.

At just the right moment Rich came in the room and I am sitting well balanced again which is much better.

It is 13 pm now my physical therapist will be here at 14 pm for 30 minutes, after which the ergo therapist from the RCA (the Rehab. Clinic) will be here to evaluate my posture and how I sit in the chair.

This will be invaluable for the adaption of my wheelchair, am very pleased Ludwine can come this afternoon.

It is really important that the chair is adapted well in order to prevent any more pressure sores.

Have a good afternoon and evening, I intend to enjoy mine and am looking forward to both appointments as well as the prospect of a pleasant visit from Darren at 17.30.