Sunday, August 16, 2009
Enjoy this beautiful day.
Just realised that I seem to have tinnitus, you know where you hear constant noise in your ears, it is not a deafening noise, it is a strange soundless ringing noise.
Became aware of it on Friday night, before that I have never noticed, so Friday it was strange that when the music stopped I was still getting the sensation of sound in my ears.
Took me a few minutes before I realised that what I was hearing was in my ears not sound coming from outside going into my ears.
Think if this had happened before getting the MS diagnosis I would have been devasted, I am really upset, but not devasted somehow it does not surprise me.
MS seems to affect every part of the body so why not the ears too, I deal with it like I do the pain, the sensations of burning, tingling, electric shocks, pins/knives, the spasms and the cramps by keep reminding myself this is the MS.
These are the nerves sending out mixed signals, the signals are all confused and malformed.
It does not make it go away, if only it could, but it does make it more bearable to think this when I have a violent pain travelling around my body and it does not have the power to affect my mind as well as my body.
If I thought that what I was experiencing was real I would be very upset and worried, now when it happens I know it is what this disease does.
This extremely shitty disease that takes so much away: mobility, being able to work, being able to do things with your hands.
It changes the shape of the body and the sensitivity, skin becomes super sensitive and impossible to touch.
The whole body is too sensitive to touch and at that same time has no sensitivity whatsoever, hands do not transmit any information.
Everything feels like sandpaper on the skin even the softest of touches or towels would still feel unbearably harsh.
Hands constantly drop things; hands can’t hold glasses anymore and can just manage to hold a light plastic beaker with handle with both hands.
Try not to spend any time speculating what new horrors lie in store for me, luckily I can not know what it will be until it happens.
I do find myself hoping that I can carry on communicating for as long as possible, if possible right to the end of my life.
Hate to be alive and not able to communicate at all, no words and no text and no sound and no vision.
Would not be able to do anything anymore.
I am crying now, tears pouring down my face, feels like tears that needed to be cried.
Obviously I needed to get rid of some pressure that had buildi up since Wednesday, when I knew about the Friday meeting.
Hope Richie and the dogs get back from the park soon, so I can ask Richie to clean my glasses which are difficult to see out of.
It is another lovely sunny and very warm day, now I have cried I feel so much better and can and will enjoy this beautiful day.