Tuesday, August 04, 2009
We are all in the gutter,but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde
''We are all in the gutter,but some of us are looking at the stars''
Woke up suddenly to my right leg spasming like crazy and the sensation of being dragged down the bed.
Turned out later that this was only a sensation and did not actually happen although to me it was very real and happened.
THC did the trick, which relaxed me enough to do my arm exercises and then Richie could do the leg exercises and massage.
The leg exercises were really needed today my legs felt like coiled springs, once Richie had moved my legs and massaged them they felt better.
It is another hot and sticky day; the fan has been on for hour’s right next to me, can not survive without the fan.
It is essential in this weather.
Riche and the dogs will be back anytime now from the park, the dogs will be ecstatic when they return and will scamper around to show me what a good time they are having.
The dogs have really become very essential, realised just recently that they are my therapists, as they keep me entertained and keep me throwing toys for them to find.
Spike is more interactive and will bring me his toy all the time; it is a constant surprise to me that the dogs are already 9 years old.
No wonder they are such an important part of the team these days.
Life is strange in some ways for me, now that I am so aware of the finite nature of life, having a euthanasia request at the doctors.
One the one hand I am aware that I may need to request the doctor to action my request and on the other hand I hope that I do not have to request it.
Until the diagnosis, I was hoping to become very old with Richie and enjoying the idea of being with my darling for a long time.
I am still happy with darling Richie but find it sometimes difficult to juggle the two realities of life.
One of which is we are born and the other is we die, we are not immortal and we all have to die, it is a sad reality but true.
In reality we are all both in the middle of life and in the middle of death,m that is why we need to live for today as tomorrow we could be dead.
Living for the day seemed so complicated at one time, when I could not stop myself from thinking too far in advance.
Tried to see too far into the future and ended up giving myself a hard time second guessing what would happen.
Now I realise how much better it is to take things one step at a time, I do not need to know about tomorrow to enjoy today.
I do not need to hang on to everything, in fact better no to get so attached to things you do not need.
Difficult to let go off things, like how things are organised at home, at the beginning when it as clear that I could not do anything in the apartment anymore it was difficult for me.
Now it is two years later and even though sometimes I have little twinges of regret that I can not dust or tidy on the whole I have accepted the reality.
Sometimes I catch myself noticing things, but am aware that the MS has stopped me having an active role.
It was really very difficult to let go and to not keep comparing things to how I would have done them.
In 2007 would often be almost boiling with frustration that I could not do simple things anymore.
Funny now looking back at two years ago and realising what a long way I have come since 2007
Now I accept that I can not do a lot anymore but on the other hand am very aware of still having a role to play.
Really can see how difficult it was to accept a restricted life, know now that the restrictions do not make me any less the woman I am.
Now the various layers are peeled off, I am still very much me.
The limitations have not eroded my sense of self or my sense of my place or my contribution to life and those I love.
Think it is difficult to understand and nurture feelings of self worth when so much is based on what sort of work you do.
Have always found it odd that a person’s worth was judged by their work.
People should I feel, be valued for themselves and the unique contribution they make and not on how much property ands money they have managed to accumulate.
Certainly been noticing that I feel differently about life these days,that I do live in the here and now and value each moment I have with Richie.
The Internet and blogging gives me a way of dealing with this horrible disease and has also helped me to write and express myself.
These things have made life in bed bearable and have helped me realise that this life is good despite restrictions and pain.
Richie is making a leek and goat cheese quiche and new potatoes and salad for our evening meal tonight, looking forward to that.
It is pretty hot here, am going to post this and listen to some radio and maybe sip some lemonade and enjoy the rest of the afternoon.
Hope it is a good day for everyone.