Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Last night I was reading other blogs and came across a delightful post on Celeste Maia’s blog called Lunch with Isabel.

It is a delightful post describing lunch plus exquisite detail about the menu for her special friend and beautiful photos.

Really enjoyed reading it until I read about being transformed in the summertime

‘’ Ah, summer, we all become Chagall nymphs. ‘’

Again it hit me real hard that I will not know that transformation anymore, no more painting my toenails and organising my summer wardrobe.

No pretty sandals and finding my favourite shorts and making sure my bathing suit is still ok, no none of these activities will occupy my time this or next year or any other year.

It is not as if I did not know this already always takes me by surprise how painful these sudden realizations can be and are for me.

It is like I have just had a shock and then keep having delayed reactions for the next years really weird to be so shocked and upset anew eveytime the realisation of my situation hits home again and again and again and again….

I regained my composure somewhat and even managed to dry my tears so Richie did not get upset when he came to get me out of bed.

Was ok until we were getting ready to go to sleep when I started howling as I realised that this is the one situation where there is no reward for perseverance and following instructions.

We are doing everything that the nurse tells us to and Richie is following the instructions to the letter and I do the exercises and eat well, a lot of fish as that is good for promoting healing.

So we do everything we should and abit more but the return we would like will not happen.

We will never hear the doctor or nurse saying there is great improvement, she can expect to regain control over ………….

It really is amazing how many stories we do tell ourselves, somehow there is always the hope that the unexpected will happen.

Don’t believe in miracles, never have but somehow I have been hoping for something to happen.

Something unexpected to occur, that’s when I realise that even though I do not believe in miracles I would not mind if one happened.

Seems it is not easy to get rid of remnants of superstition that they cling on unnoticed and emerge to cause grief every now and then.

Well in the light of day I can see the effect it had on me last night, being tired and discovering that I still hope that I could get up and pick up my mattress and slink off.

It ain’t happening it made a good story but that is about it.

Have to accept that the situation I am in will not be resoled in the way we would like.

That leaves me with the only viable option which is to stay as positive as possible and as open and receptive as possible to life.

It is a warm slightly sticky day will get Richie to organise how I am lying and turn on the fan for me and I am all set to enjoy the afternoon.

Going to stop by and watch the Osprey webcam in Scotland, the link was given to me by Joan @ Joan's New Musings

Here is the link to the Osprey webcam



Lucy said...

Herrad you are a brave woman, but even brave women with the illness you have just can't always be brave. Let me tell you from watching my son it is impossible not to let down at times. Each time you lose a little more of whatever you thought you had, you need to grieve, even if it doesn't help. The disease robs you of your dignity. I believe that is why I have a difficult time even several years since my son is gone, I was so hands on with him, I can never come to terms with the horrible things the disease puts you through. I have been to her sight and I think it is beautiful. Take care Herrad and never ever feel guilty for resenting the horrible disease you have.

Celeste Maia said...

I feel so bad for causing you such distress with my blog entry, Herrad. But your blog has inspired me -- with my lesser problems --and many others. Through it, your mind comes across as both strong and determined, an encouragement for us all.

Herrad said...

Hi Lucy,

Thanks for your comment really had me crying as I agreed with you, it is a shitty disease.

Really does me good hearing from you, your support and your understanding is brilliant and very appreciated.


Herrad said...

Hi Celeste Maia,

don't you think you caused me distress, it is this shitty disease that has done that.


Sarah Lulu said...

Herrad some very hard realisations for you.

Your photos are lovely .....

And it's not summer in Australia it's mid winter and we are expecting snow today!

Many hugs your way. xxxxx

Anonymous said...

Hi Herrad! I love the beautiful flowers and the link to the bird webcams! I hope the day wasn't too sticky for you, it's sweater weather around here!
Take care.

CrazyCris said...

Hey Herad!

Stay positive girl! Miracles may not happen, but we can sort of create them by taking what we've got and making the most of it... It's harder for you but I'm sure your mind and the love you're surrounded with will help keep you afloat!

Thx for stopping by today! It has been a pretty good summer so far. Too good in fact! I can't seem to wrap my head around the work I need to so. It's hard to sit down and concentrate on something unpleasant when I have so many other pleasant distractions, one of which is wandering around here visiting people in the blogosphere!

lots of hugs!!!

Dave said...

Hi! Thanks for popping round to my blog to say Hi! I had a pretty crap day (it's all relative, I guess) My brain kept crashing and trying to switch itself off, then the squeezing pain in my legs. I feel as if I have been battling to stay awake all day. Typical, I should find my second wind when it's time for bed.

Ho hum!
keep strong


Denver Refashionista said...

You do stay amazingly positive. I cannot relate to the depth of your loss but because I too have MS, I do understand loss. I still wake up at night and remember that the MS is here to stay. I know the fear. Do not give up hope. You may still find a miracle of sorts in a form you don't expect.

You remind me how lucky I am. Have courage.

Herrad said...

Hi Sarah Lulu,

Thanks for visiting lovely to see your comment.
Sorry forgot you are in OZ .
Of course its mid winter hard to believe and soon our summer will be over and yours will be starting.
Hugs to you too.

Hi Rain,
Lovely to hear from you, it got very hot mid afteroon but cooled around 7 pm this evening.
Sorry to hear it is sweater weather for you.
Big hug.

Hi Chris,
Lovely to hear from you good to hear you are having a good summer.
Happy wandering.
Lots of hugs back.

Hi Dave,
Splendid hearing from you.
Nice you have come by.
It is typical to get your second wind just when you need to shut down for the night.

Hope you all have a good day tomorrow

Herrad said...

Hi Nadja,
Thanks for coming by.
Have to stay posistive negative hurts me and Richie too much.
It is scary having this shitty disease.
Have a good day tomorroow.

robert said...

Good morning Herrad,
the choice of the blogs you refer to lately is as colourful as your photography and much worth to read.
Living in a country with much sun, nearly forces one to have a sundial.
Horas non numero nisi serenas.
(only count the happy hours.)
Wish you a sunny, not too hot day.

Diane J Standiford said...

Beautiful. Thanks for sharing! Enjoy the day!

Webster said...

Herrad, the days that you have a peaceful mind are little miracles.
You find such lovely pictures, thanks.

SquirrelQueen said...


You are such an inspiration to all of us. I consider myself to be a very strong woman but I don't know if I could handle even half of what you must be going through.

Just keep on posting those beautiful photos and never give up hope.

Richie said...

I try to keep things a bit pretty for you - I think I finally have the bedroom looking like a boudoir rather than a dormitory. You are still the prettiest girl I ever saw and you bring the summer into my life.

Herrad said...

Hi Robert,

Indeed let's only count the happy hours that is a great idea.

I love this German saying '' Fur den glucklichen slagt keine stunde'

Time does not exist for the lucky is what I think it means in E nglish.

Hi Diane,

Hope you are enjoying today.

Hi Webster,

Today is one of those miracles hope it is for you too.

Hi Squirrel Queen,

No I won't give up hope.
The way I seeit if today is not good tomorrow is a new day with new chances.

Hi Richie,

The bedroom is gorgeous now thanks to you.
Big kiss to you.

Hope everyone has a good day today.