Saturday, July 04, 2009

Sitting here feeling like half a woman, it is a strange feeling for me, after my life with my parents I have always had to be in control.

MS has rather derailed everything so it amazes me that despite having no physical capabilities I am still so mentally capable.

Nothing wrong with the mind which was one of the reasons I wrote about other things and not just endlessly about the progress of my MS.

So important for me to know that despite my physical disability I can still write about the things I believe in.

And the other important thing is that I have MS but it has not got me, I am not totally defined by MS.

I am more than the MS we all are.

It really is so very difficult to come to terms with this debilitating disease and needing everything done for you.

Was very aware yesterday after my shower that Richie has to do it all as I can’t even apply cream to my body or face.

Try to accept that plucking the black hairs on my chin is a thing of the past and cleaning and filing my nails also not possible not by me.

My needing personal care was at first a very upsetting and intrusive thing; happily it is not like that with Richie.

He is so very sensitive and careful in all ways which is very good for keeping me reassured that I am safe.

Know Richie often feels that he is being very intrusive and heavy handed which could not be further from the truth.

But how can it be anything but strange to have been in bed now for close to 11 months, am aware I am constantly right now on the verge of sobbing at the horror of it all.

Horror certainly at the loss of movement, the enforced isolation at home, mainly in one room, the missed opportunities to interact with my immediate outside environment is all very upsetting.

Really miss my trips around the block with Richie and the dogs, and trips to the market, used to go at least twice a week.

For me a market is a meeting place for the people from the neighbourhood and can’t be replaced by supermarkets which are so incredibly impersonal.

Looking forward to being able to go there soon, had hoped that I would be starting to sit again in May.

But then it became in June and now it is already July, seeing as the month has only just started have to be very patient.

Am very torn on whether it will happen or not, concerned that I will have to wait until August and by the time I get out the weather might have gone from hot to cold and wet.

Getting really concerned how it all works out, sometimes totally doubt that it is going to be possible for me to go back outside ever again.

Starting to believe that a life in bed is all that I will have, if that is so have to make the best of it.

What would that be like, when all I really want is to get out and about and roll up the street in my electric wheelchair smiling and talking to neighbours on the way to the market.

Oh well for now I have a dream of getting out soon going to keep it alive.

No matter what happens have to keep hope alive always have to do that to make life bearable to keep from getting stuck in negative thoughts and feelings.

Really no point to negative thoughts they just drain out all joy and that is not good; with a handicap you need more not less joy.

Hope the weather does not go bonkers and get all our MS symptoms going mad this weekend.

Intend to put all my questions and worries to one side and concentrate on right here and right now.

That is after all what we have The Here and Now going to enjoy it now.


Stan said...

Dear Herrad:

Not much I can say after that post. You have everything sorted out with a wise prospective. You are on a strange and bizarre journey in this life no doubt.

You definitely recognize this isn't some stroll in the park on a Sunday morning. Yet, your attitude and outlook could fill any room with rays of sunshine and hope.

I can only wish things or destiny; or whatever has control of the reins in the grand scheme, would give you bundled gifts of peace, contentment, and wonderful days out in natures glorious world before Fall and weather rear those seasonal heads once more.

Hope you have a great day, and find a small measure of comfort in the fact that encouraging thoughts and prayers are going out to you from around this world.

Your pal,

mortonlake said...

no words sucks the soul from youm if you let to accept it.some things we just cant do.hope it settles and you can get out in the air.take care herrad,love mort xx

Cranky said...

Herrad - just stopping by to say hello. Wishing a great day for you, Richie, Spike and Marleen.

Stephany said...

HI Herrad!

You're a brave woman.

Lots of love


robert said...

Dear Herrad,
would like to thank you for providing hope and strength that I was missing today, respectively throughout last year - making it worth to stay up until ten past three in the morning, reading what you wrote.

awb said...

I hope I face what's ahead of me with as much hope, and courage, as it seems you display, thanks.


Joan said...

Hi, just left a comment on your Dutch blog could not find this one have reread this one as the translated one does not read great your Enlish is perfect. Stay positive for you outing I will keep you in my thoughts. Love Joan

Herrad said...

Hi Stan,
Really good to hear from you your comments always give me a huge measure of comfort plus a fair measure of joy.
You lift my spirits and I thank you for that you really are a great friend.

Hi Mort,
And you too are a wonderful friend Mort, hope you are having a good weekend.

Hi Cranky,
Think of you also as a good friends, thanks
for stopping by hope you are having some summer weather?

Hi Stephany,
Thanks for being such a good friend, you too are a very brave woman.

Hi Robert,
Thanks for coming by again good to see your comments.
Nice to meet new friends.
Also thanks for reminding me about Baudelaire.

Hi Andy,
Thanks for ypur support ands friendship.
You will face whatever you have to face with dignity and courage as you do now.

Hi Joan,
Thanks foming a new friend and for visiting and leaving a comment.
It was raginig hot here until 5 pm when colds came over and now it is raining so finally it is cooler and I feel better

Thanks everyone for coming by feel overcome with fondness for you all.