Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A Different Focus.












Reading, Berkshire.


Slept well last night, no help from little pills instead Richie made some very nice hash cake for me.

Ate a couple of pieces and drifted off without any problems, which was very pleasant indeed.

Recently have had too much on my mind, think that the toll of 14 months in bed is really getting to me now.

Funny that it should be getting to me now, feel very teary and even the tiniest thing really gets to me.

On top of all that have been noticing that my arms and hands are getting clumsier, and feeling heavier and tighter.

Eating is like hard work, feel like I have a lead weight attached to my arm, so every forkful of food feels like I am weight lifting.

Very frustrating, especially when it takes so much time and energy to do the tiniest movement.

Like clicking on an item that I want to open, last night had to ask Richie to do it for me, feel quite resentful, that this seems to be happening.

Mind you now it is more than just being slow and irritating, so maybe what I am noticing is that everything gets slower when I am getting tired.

Tired is something that I have never ever let slow me down, tired before MS, was just something to wave away while I just got on with it.

Tired is not something you can ignore with MS, as there is no such a thing as a little bit tired, you are either not tired yet or wiped out.

So seems that I can’t ignore it anymore, which is frustrating, have to finally admit that I am after all only human.

Hope I can do that, feel a touch better now that I have reached the conclusion that I have to stop being so hard on myself.

Think not sleeping well has had a bad effect on me, feel a lot better today for a good nights sleep.

Lack of sleep was nibbling away at my natural optimism, think it was making me super critical of everyone and everything.

A sort of sense of humour bypass perhaps where there is no light relief and everything is either one thing or the other instead of a mixture of things.

Real glad to feel myself again, determined that whatever happens with my MS that I do not lose my optimism and my sense of fun and the ridiculous.

The day that I can’t laugh at myself will be very sad day indeed, hope it never happens, today has been a pretty day.

Sunshine and blue skies from this morning but since 4 pm it has got very cloudy, sun and blue skies are gone and there is a grey light outside.

Makes me even more determined to be cheerful and optimistic, I can’t stop the progression of my MS but I can stop myself giving up and rolling over, will fight that always.

Tomorrow in a week at this time the appointment is well over and the chair with the adaptation will be here.

My focus is on the 29 October now and on experiencing life from a sitting up position again.

Thanks for all your support, it is very much appreciated.

6 comments:

Diane J Standiford said...

Sitting up is taken for granted! You hit the MS nail on the cerebral cortex! Must keep mind on the ridiculous, and MS certainly provides plenty of that!

Rain said...

Great attitude Herrad! I imagine that being in bed all day is tiring enough on your body. I know the benefits of a good night's sleep when I'm lucky enough to have one, my entire outlook is better, and I digest better too. The body suffers from lack of deep rest for sure! One week to go, it's so exciting!

Jen said...

Hearts for you, Herrad :)

Have Myelin? said...

I know what a good night's sleep means. We do take it for granted (I don't now) and I look forward to hearing about your sitting up.

Joan said...

Hello, glad you had a good night it does make all the difference even when you are well. We take so many things for granted but I sincerly hope your chair will be wonderful for you my friend. LOve Joan

robert said...

Close to four in the morning, once again, after working until about ten in the evening, putting Stefan to bed, trying to 'step outside' the day, arriving to find yet again a great teacher of life in you and your will, owe you much thank.
A wonderful Friday.