Saturday, October 03, 2009

Saturday Reflections and Gladys Knight.

Feeling alot more pain since the weather has got colder, have started to wear gloves during the day, as my hands are so cold.

A good friend Anja sent me some gloves without fingers, basically they are a tube which has a slit, for the thumb and they are long, they go half way up my forearm.

They are soft, cuddly angora and stretchy material; I think polyimide, white with black zebra stripes, looks very nice.

Keep my hands warm; which is very nice indeed, as my hands are always cold, the only time they are not cold is when it was well over 25 degrees.

Gloves with fingers are very difficult for me to wear, as it is such a huge struggle to get my fingers to do what you want.

As soon as they have to go into the glove they splay out and the fingers end up sticking out in all directions which make it very difficult to put the gloves on.

It always added at least 10 minutes on our journeys, so we always had to start our preparations earlier if we wanted to get somewhere by a specific time.

Read on Chekoala’s blog about a new drug which is also for people with PPMS, like myself, was very interested to read about this, especially as there are no drugs for PPMS people.

It is very interesting that work has been done researching and testing and now putting this new drug through a trial period.

Be extremely interested to hear if anyone has already heard of this new trial.

Almost feel to volunteer to be a guinea pig, not sure that I would have anything to lose by being a guinea pig as the way it is going I am gradually getting less able to do things with my hands and my arms are getting very stiff and painful.

I am having a horrible time with increased pain and difficulty to sit comfortably in bed; I know that is all down to my muscles becoming weakened by being in bed so very long.

Finding it difficult to notice and feel how bad my hands and arms are becoming, it is not lack of strength, as I have built up quite a lot of muscle in my arms.

Can see the muscles and can feel the strength, but it is not a matter of muscles, it is lack of flexibility and motor functions.

Have more than enough strength yet find moving the mouse to be a huge challenge because I can’t direct it properly so end up clicking on things many times before reaching my target.

Hopefully before doing anything I may regret like deleting my text or reformatting the hard disk or any other unforeseen and unintended action.

Yesterday morning I woke up crying loudly, sobbing in frustrated rage at being so immobilised.

It is not that I forget that I am paralysed, could not forget that, it is just that every now and then I get a huge wave of anguish and pain about my predicament.

Unbelievably frustrating to be lying here totally incapable of doing anything independently can not even pick up a book or read a letter or do anything for myself.

Can’t open an envelope or turn pages, realise now that despite keeping optimistic and enjoying the moment, that underneath I have been and am deeply frustrated and if I dwell on it even briefly I am shocked how much potential there is for depression.

I think keeping in the here and now has saved me from being extremely depressed, but can feel that it is always right there.

The abyss of a deep depression looms large and it involves skill in not plunging right down the chasm between optimism and depression.

It is a balancing act, I do not want to lose my emotions but have to watch out and keep a check on them to stop my emotions becoming too much for me.

In the here and now of this Saturday afternoon, the weather looks bad, lots of wind, thick cloud layer over the city.

Three times brilliant sunshine illuminated the street and the buildings across the road only to vanish once more behind the clouds.

It has made me realise once again how like life the weather is, there are dark times and sunny times.

Nothing remains the same it is all part of a dynamic process and we are part of this, a very essential part.

The sun just shone brightly again and the birds are getting busy collecting as many nuts as possible before the weather changes for the worse.

Whatever the weather I intend to enjoy this unique day with my darling Richie and our sweet dogs.

Hope you have a good day too.


Stephany said...

Hi Herrad, this is a good insightful post, one that is good to remind everyone that you battle on so bravely and keep that depression at bay. Times like these definitely take extra thought and effort to push down those dark emotions and keep the sun shining in our minds.

The gloves sound like a good idea, the effort it takes for you to type is always appreciated by me, all the words you write here are gems for us all.

It has been cooler autumn weather here too, down to 38 degrees at night. Just took the garden hose off the faucet outside and placed the winter cover over the faucet for freeze protection, so that is the seasons final word on how summer is in fact finished.

My daughter once went out shopping and bought herself a fleece blanket, that was white with stripes like a zebra, made me think of that with your gloves. She was proud of her purchase!

Have a nice evening, say hello to Richie and the dogs for me!


Travelogue for the Universe said...

Hi Herrad,
I caught up on reading your posts and went from your special, rare and wonderful visit to the sadness of loss of function. Thank you for being so open about how you feel. I often wonder how I will feel as I progress who knows when.I am on a clinical trial and feel good about the doctors who have designed the study.I don't pay anything and have peace of mind I am doing something to fix what's wrong with me. Have a great day.Cold and rainy in Vermont, US.
I bought some "flurr" from It is very soft and easy on the skin and very warm.Easy to sew and doesn't fray.
Best wishes! Love, Mary

Cranky said...

Herrad - it's so true what you say, both dark and sunny times in life. Those of you who read your posts have grown to appreciate how you manage to skillfully keep yourself from the abyss of depression.

Herrad said...

Hi Stephany,
Thanks for your visit and comment, we have had a very pleasant evening, hope you are too.
Big hugs.

Hi Mary,
Thanks for coming by and for your comment.
Curious about the clinical trial you are on, wonder how it it going.
Hope well.
I will have a look at

Hi Cranky,
Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment.
I do myl best to keep a balance, which is not always easy.

Thanks everyone for coming by and leaving comments, which are much appreciated.
Have a good day tomorrow.

Anonymous said...

With balance being probably the most difficult, yet most successful mean of motion, it is surely worth to try - and yes, thoughts are as well motion.
A weekend filled with motion towards happyness for you.

Anonymous said...

Hello Herrad! It's so true that without those cloudy days, we can't fully appreciate the sunshine. And you know what? Yesterday there was a sudden rainstorm followed by a HUGE rainbow here! Another reminder for me to bring my camera wherever I go, but I thought it ironic that you posted photos of rainbows yesterday!!! The sky is blue with some clouds right now, but we are supposed to get crazy rain all afternoon, hoping to catch another rainbow! Have a great Sunday!

Herrad said...

Hi Robert,
Thanks for your visit, thoughts are motion and mine are constantly moving.
Hope your weekend was good.

Hi Rain,
Hope you had a good Sunday, with many rainbows.
The coincidence of you seeing rainbows and me posting them is funny.

Thanks for coming by, really appreciate it, sorry I did not respond quicker, have been abit pre-occupied with the post.