Monday, October 05, 2009
Sunshine Inside Despite Dark Clouds Outside.
Had a good night’s sleep again last night, Richie massaged my forehead and head after which I seemed to go to sleep very quickly.
Did not wake up during the night, so did not wake Richie up which was brilliant, did wake up suddenly as a spasm jolted me awake and my arm locked tightly to my body.
Today is not going to be pleasant as at 3 pm our neighbour Willes and an ex neighbour Jeanet will be here to finish sorting through the huge backlog of post.
Since the beginning of the year I have not been able to deal with the post and Richie is too busy looking after me to cope with anything else.
Feel really bad about this happening, but on the other hand it has happened and I will only succeed in making myself feel worse by dwelling on it.
Must remember what we, Richie and I always remind ourselves , that apportioning blame does not achieve anything, apart from make yourself feel worse.
Feeling worse only increases the feelings of helplessness and incapability and the only result will be an incraes in worthlessness and possibly depression.
Of course I wish now that I had not literally shut my eyes and ignored the post and various administrative things that needed being done.
Earlier this year I was doing my very best not to get sucked down by depression and I guess that worked to a certain extent but at the expense of others.
I know already that it will cost money, which we do not have and that is not going to be e easy to recover.
It will also be expensive because the money that will be used to pay extra surcharges would have been spent on buying THC (weed) and getting warm winter clothing and other bits and pieces to make our lives easier.
Doing my best to not feel guilty and depressed as that would not achieve anything positive; depression is as bad as stress for MS sufferers.
At the moment I wish that I could run away and hide, but if I could do that then I would not be stuck here immobile in bed with useless hands.
And we would not be in the situation we are now; going to do my best to remain as cheerful as possible as anything else would just drag me and us down.
In a way I am very glad that our friends will be around in an hours time and then this will all be sorted out and I won’t have to think about it endlessly even in my dreams.
It is a damp and dismal grey day, difficult to find cheer but will do my best.