Thursday, November 26, 2009
The other day a friend commented in an e-mail that it was nice to read a more cheerful post.
I would prefer cheerful myself but sometimes my MS does wear me down and the pain gets to me.
But even then I am usually cheerful and optimistic; perhaps my posts are not always upbeat.
MS is not a cheerful topic, it is a subject people would rather not know about either, and quite right too as it is horrible.
Since diagnosis I have sadly lost a few friends who were too scared and freaked out to be able to see me again.
Until I was diagnosed I only had ever heard of one person with MS, and that was my colleague’s sister, at my last job.
Her sister got diagnosed very young and very quickly was fulltime in bed, she got progressively worse and finally could not speak or swallow, her sight and hearing were also getting very weak.
At that point she made it clear that she wanted her life to be ended; in the Netherlands this is possible.
I was very painful for my colleague and her mother and brother, it had been painful for
them seeing her decline as the disease progressed.
We know that this is my future perspective and I and Richie are glad that I too can checkout when it has got too much for me.
Recently I have had a few moments where I almost did not want to wake up again, could almost see the appeal.
That shocked me so much that I started to cry and pretty soon I was howling and inconsolable.
Thinking of stepping out of this life, this existence is quite something, really rattled me, also because I really wanted to go.
It was too much, I was lying here in pain, every thing hurt like hell, crying did release all the anger and frustration that had been accumulating.
Good to get rid of those feelings, bottled up emotions usually burst out at sometime, better have a safe way to release these negative feelings.
Better than letting it drag you down and wear you out, crying at regular intervals when I need to relieve the pressure works well for me.
When this shitty disease gets too much it is difficult for me to be positive but think that I usually manage.
Still do not think you can fight MS like a boxer in the ring, and you certainly can not win.
What you can do is remain in the here and now, and enjoy life.
That is my intention, find since this has been my guiding principle my life has got better.
I am fighting, to keep the functionality of my arms by doing my arm exercises daily, feel that it helps me.
Funnily enough what also helps me is to have a dog on my lap, on the bed or in the wheelchair; it is ls good for the blood pressure.
Spike likes to lick my hands, it is a dog’s way of bonding, and afterwards my fingers can move better, we have been joking about Spike’s magic tongue.
Laughing is a good antidote to the miseries of MS; it worries the dogs but is good for us.