Monday, November 16, 2009
Slept finally after lying awake for hours, not sure if my perception is correct but hash seems to keep me awake thinking surreal thoughts.
Once I start thinking sleep seems almost to be an impossible dream, keep feeling drowsy like I am just about to drift off.
But each time it was another false alarm and I did not sleep, just lay here with my eyes closed tightly.
Finally woke Richie and asked for some THC, which did not help me, certainly did not seem to help me for several hours.
Only knew I had slept when I was woken up by a huge leg spasm and arm cramps, this happened when I sneezed.
Have had a reoccurring dream, where I actually organise Richie’s new apartment for him.
When I am dead Richie has to move out of this apartment as it is for someone in a wheelchair, he would have a year to find another apartment.
Because I am sure he would not want to be here without me and knowing he would have to leave would I am sure be horrible.
So in my dream, I researched this well and found out that our landlord have a few apartments locally for people in this situation.
They could in fact offer Richie something close by on the canal behind us, with a small garden.
So good for both Richie and the dogs, somehow this dream has reassured me that my darling will be alright.
Read somewhere recently that it is easier for the one dying rather than the one left behind, can imagine that is true.
Really wish that I can now stop worrying about my darling Richie and how it will be when I am not here.
Guess I won’t know that and that is my answer, I won’t be here physically to do anything for my darling so have to leave this topic well alone.
Have to give myself a break, can’t keep thinking these thoughts as they hurt me so much, and there is no good solution.
The only good solution as far as I am concerned is that I do not die and instead live forever.
And in a way I will live forever, for as long as I am remembered by my darling and other friends.
I guess that is how we all achieve immortality.
In the here and now I am right here enjoying the last rays of sunlight and listening to Richie playing the banjo ukulele.