Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Enjoying The Good Moments

Pop Art.

Today in total contrast it is grey, cloudy and cool weather with no hint of sun anywhere, looks like we won't get any today.

Oh well will have to make do without, sadly this is not something that I can solve with will power just like MS the sun can not be controlled by us even with all the will power in the world.

Been thinking about will power and how at home my parents tried to tell me I had none, so somehow I believed them and thought that I really had no will power.

They also told me that nothing would ever come of me, that I would never get anywhere in life, would not get anywhere with work.

Quite demoralising to be treated like this, I only realised once I managed to get away and stay away that it seemed like I was being groomed to stay at home.

Pretty much in the position my two great aunts Mathilda and Ida were in with their parents.

Who had decided to discourage their girls from getting married so they would stay home and look after them.

The poor aunts had suitors chased away and discouraged from coming to the house; they were successful as both women stayed at home, unmarried and unhappy.

Guess by now I should have been able to accept that I have willpower but still I think that l was lucky when something worked out, not that my willpower made it happen.

Richie telling me that I have tremendous willpower rather shocked me, but in a pleasant way, as I started to think he was right.

Maybe stopping smoking tobacco in 1999 was indeed willpower, as I decided that I had tobacco to roll 3 ciggies and when that was finished I did not plan to buy anymore.

Recall Richie’s facial expression of surprise and even more surprised when I did exactly what I said that I would.

After a rather difficult month where I temporally lost my sense of humour everything went well, I was even losing weight.

This happened because without smoking tobacco I was getting my sense of taste back.

Did not like all the fat and excessive sugar I could now taste in sweets and candy bars, I also did not like the salt I could taste in chocolate biscuits.

One of the things that always put me off stopping smoking was being told I would put on weight that would happen automatically.

And it did not and I did not want it too, so there again willpower had an effect, from 1999 until January 1 2008 I smoked pure weed joints and pipes.

By the time I stopped was noticing how smoking was causing me problems, could not cough without lots of problems.

Kept getting a congested chest and having real problems to clear it, started coughing a lot which was painful, would take me all day to cough and clear the congestion.
My only choice as far as I could see was to stop smoking which I did, this again meant about a month of getting used to using a vaporiser instead of smoking.

Eventually I got the hang of it and now would not want anything else, could not ever contemplate ever smoking again.

When I read about there could be a possible link between MS and smoking I was even happier I have chosen not to smoke anymore.

Think now that I may not have started if my mum had not encouraged me to smoke and drink with her from age 15, made it all seem exciting doing what the grown ups did.

Now I am pleased that I did what I thought was right for me and my willpower made it happen.

The only thing willpower can’t alter is MS and the weather, will cope with both of these by being optimistic and open to enjoying the good moments of which there are plenty for me to enjoy.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post. Was a really good read and you've done wonderfully for yourself... You have more will power than you realise. :-)

Herrad said...

Hi Hayley,
Thanks for yuor visit and kind comment.
I think we all have more will power than we think.

Webster said...

Hi Herrad, Yes you do have willpower! Tobacco is one of the hardest addictions to give up. As for me, I grew up with a family of smokers: both of my parents, and three out of four brothers smoked. I never did. Except I did smoke pot- but not daily, and just during my 20s. I wonder where one gets a vaporizer in the States? If I had one I might give it a try again. :-) Does it help you with your spasms, or any other MS symptom?

Stephany said...

Hi Herrad, You sure did come out of that negative parental upbringing quite opposite of what they said, good for you for being able to ignore it and live your life!

I'm glad you and Richie have each other.


Anonymous said...

Wonderful post Herrad! Demoralizing is the word for it, I can relate. But yes, you certainly do have a strong will that's obvious! It shows in your attitude...even having to be bed-ridden for so long, you showed tremendous will power not to let the negativity make you feel worse...I think it's wonderful. :)

Herrad said...

Hi Webster,
Funnily enough I am just realising it too.
I find thc helps with relaxation, with pain, spasms, appetite, sleep, depression.
Carole uses a vaporizer perhaps she can tell you which vaporiser she has.

This a German company
We have a volcano it very good.
We have one of these portable ones very nifty, looks like a phone or bit of High Tec IT

These are in the US

Hi Stephany,
My parents inadvertently made me as I am.
I always need to know, hate being patronised or bullied.
And as I now realise, that I do have willpower.

Hi Rain,
My parents called me stubborn.
Nothing could ever be as bad as living with them.
Made it so that I can put up with all sorts even it seems ms.

Thanks for all you supportive comment, glad I think now that I have alot of willpower.
Think we all have.

Anonymous said...

I wrote you another comment which got eaten by the internet ether...maybe it was telling me to keep it shorter...loved your post and you are an amazingly powerful person....your are my hero...if you can manage all that you do with a mountain of challenges that you have starting the moment you wake up...than I can too...thank you for that and sorry about your family...mine was the same...kudo to Richie for being such a wonderful life partner to you...

Herrad said...

Hi Hayley,
Thanks for your sweet comment really appreciate it very much.

soulsoprano said...

Herrad, you are an inspiration to me in so many ways. I can identify with the way you grew up, also. My mother, too, was such a negative person, always belittling me, making fun of the things that inhterested me, like my writing poetry, acting, etc. She said I would never amount to anything, and was always complaining that I chose friends who were not popular, or on the top of the heap, so to speak. I always loved to befriend the underdogs, as it were, and I still do. They are the people who are real, with no airs to put on.

My father made it worse by his hands-off approach. When trouble came, he would disappear into his own little worlds, either in the basement to his workshop, or to the garage, etc. Never defended us or stood up for us against her tyranny. In fact, when I was younger, he would often participate and beat us at her insistance, I assume now to keep peace with her so that he wouldn't get the brunt of her anger. Makes him a coward, I think.

Today, I have not seen my mother in over twenty years, and I have to say that although part of me is sad about it, for the most part I do not miss her. I made the decision to leave that poison in my life behind and have a life with my husband and children, showing them what real love and respect should be, as I believe we all have the power to stop the abusive cycles in our lives and do something positive to turn it around.

I still have a relationship with my father, but it is not deep and true as it should be. He is 20+ years remarried to a woman who has none of her own children, but her nieces and nephews get treated royally by both of them, and my kids get second best. He sends them gifts on holidays, etc., but yet he lives one hour from Disney World in Florida, and has taken his wife's nieces and nephews several times and never once offered to take my kids. I suppose I am just a reminder of his terrible past life with my mother and he will never give my family the same attention, as if it were somehow my fault that is the way things were, or as if I asked to be born into that dysfunction.

Awful how parents can so terribly damage their childrens' futures by their cruel mistreatment. I still reap the consequences, as I am now 43 and just now having the courage to go back to college and obtain my nursing degree, something I would have done years ago had I had the encouragement of my folks.

I choose to see the good, however, as you do, and am proud of myself for making the choice to move forward with my life and will myself to accomplish hard things I never would have tried otherwise. It also helps that I have a very supportive husband, as you have a very supportive partner in Richie.

You may be physically limited by the constraints of your body and your disease, but you have a bright, encouraging spirit that touches people even far across the globe, and that I believe is your gift and your purpose in this season of your life. You have certainly touched and encouraged me many, many times, and I am grateful for it.

Your willpower is strong; never doubt it. You can do anything, and have proven it so many times already.

Can't wait to hear how it goes with your being able to sit again and enjoy the upcoming summer sunshine!

Be blessed, my friend.


Herrad said...

Hi Kirsten,
Thanks for your visit and wonderful comment.
Also thanks for sharing your family history with me.
Parents can and do real damage to children that is with us for life.
We need as you say to rise above it and show that by living our own lives that we will not be kept down and we can make a better life for ourselves.
You have given me such a boost with your comment.
Have a good weekend.
Big hug.

Herrad said...

Hi Kirsten,
Visited your blog today but sadly can not leave a comment and emails bounce back.
Hope you are alright.