Like A Charles Dicken's Novel.

Fighting Forms.

Franz Marc,
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Franz_Marc

All the snow started to melt yesterday and today apart from a few scraps it is all gone, which is good.

I am glad as it was not nice for Spike, too cold for him, now the grass no longer has the thick layer of snow; the snow was well over Richie’s ankles.

Today now the snow has gone Spike could walk back up the road from the dog toilet, which is great to hear.

The extra food is working well; it has given Spike extra energy he lacked without the tins of food with extra calories which the vet recommended we give him.

He is also looking better with eating more, before we gave him the tins his normal dinner was not enough as the cancer was taking all the nutrients.

Good the additional food helps Spike so much that he can enjoy himself, love to see him so engaged with what is happening around him.

Seeing him being so much our lovely Spike gives me a huge boost, he does not k now what is happening, he just gets on with it.

And like all animals enjoys the moment he is in, Spike is very much in the here and now and inspires me to do the same.

Good to enjoy now and leave complicated and convoluted thoughts for what they are, which  is not part of the here and now.

It has become extremely foggy, the end of the street is no longer visible now, amazing how quickly the fog has become so thick.

Just two hours ago it was a grey but bright day, now it looks like weather out of The Christmas Carol, a Charles Dickens novel.

One of my favourites, the BBC will have it this Christmas on the tv, so looking forward to seeing it then.

Determined To Seize And Enjoy The Moment.

 
Francis Picabia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Francis_Picabia

Finding it very difficult to not cry when thinking about Spike, it has made me realise how grief can make it so that the truth of a situation can be ignored.

Always wondered how that could work, when the facts were known, well yesterday finally I understood how that works.

While Richie was out with Spike and Marleen, I was answering mail and reading comments about our beautiful Jack Russell,  Spike and thinking about my wee champion.

Suddenly started crying and saying very loudly that I did not believe he was dying, that I would ignore the truth, the facts, that our boy Spike, would not die, not our Spike not now.

 Of course could not maintain the self deception for long, knew that it was my desire to have Spike be alive and here with us for another three years and that sadly the reality was going to be different.

Shocked Spike won’t be here snuggling up to Richie when I am dead, that is what I thought would happen.

Thought Richie would have Spike and Marleen to help him, keep him going out and distracted by demanding food, games and affection.

Never once had I imagined that Spike would be ill and it could not be cured by medicine or an operation.

Such a scenario was quite unthinkable, not our super fit little Jack Russell, our athlete is what our vet always called him.

This certainly gives even more meaning to seize the moment and enjoy the here and now.

It has made me more determined to enjoy every moment that I can enjoy, which is what I am going to do and never forget to do ever again.

Our Lovely Spike.

More snow in the night and extremely cold, so cold that the window had to be shut quickly in he early mornng, as we were frozen.

A lot more snow today, there was a snowstorm for 30 minutes which left another thick layer outside.

This happened just when Richie had taken the clogs down to the clog toilet; Marleen had great fun in the snow.

Richie is just off out with the dogs now so they can have abit of fun in the snow today; it is as dark already asif it were early morning not late afternoon.

Spike has been wandering around looking sweetly at me, can’t believe my little darling will be dead soon.

Weird concept death, he will be dead but all the memories will always be here with us, with Richie and me.

And with all the people who met and became friends with Spike, over the 8 years since we brought him home from the dog pound.

He had no socialisation as he was dumped in a deep ditch as a young pup, too young to even leave his mum and the nest.

He was taken home by 2 lots of people who thought him too much and took him back, their loss was our gain.

And our pleasure, eight beautiful years of Spike, who has been a good loyal friend/companion and a great pack member and playmate for Marleen.

Sad News Abut Spike.

Spike.

Richie took Spike to the vet's yesterday, to get his advice.

Now we know that Spike has bone cancer, we wanted to find out what signs we need to look out for that would tell us he was starting to suffer.

When Richie got back, he told me that the vet thought Spike had only about a month left to live.

His advice was that as he was not in pain and obviously still engaged with and enjoying life and as many biscuits as possible, there was no need to do anything as yet.

But that soon as Spike would not eat and was retreating from the world and started to be in obvious pain, we would need him to be put to sleep quickly so he would not suffer unduly.

Horrible news, not a surprise but a horrible confirmation of the fact we won't have our lovely, energetic, playful and gorgeous little Spike for very much longer.

It is amazing how cheerful and playful he still is despite being sick and losing so much weight so quickly just in the last couple of weeks, it will be so hard to say goodbye to Spike.

I love him so much, we both do, and he is an amazingly lovely loving little fellow with a lot of lust for life, still cheerful and happy when he is so very sick.

I am crying as I write this which makes seeing my text very difficult indeed, just can’t believe that this is happening.

Feels so unreal, at first when Richie told me when he got home I heard and accepted the news but after sometime it became a strange totally unreal thought that our little dog would be dead so very soon.

 We will miss him so very much; it has been a tremendous privilege and pleasure to have had him living with us since 2002.

When I had to stay in bed 24/7 from August 2008 until the late autumn of 2009 and again for quite alot of this year Spike entertained me and was constantly by my bedside looking out for and keeping me laughing. 

We are going to enjoy all the moments we still have with him while we can, sadly not as many as I had hoped we would have with our beautiful Spike.

Enjoy All The Precious Moments

John Stoa.
Scottish Artist.

There is a layer of snow on everything outside this morning, seems there was a light snow fall during the night.

 We did see it start to snow late last night not too long before Richie turned the lights off; this morning woke up early as it was freezing in the bedroom.

Richie jumped up and closed the window and put another blanket n me which helped me sleep on again which was very welcome.

Woke up later crying because of the pain in my arms, they hurt a lot now, so much more than even last month.

Getting quite scared about how my MS has accelerated just recently, maybe the sp catheter operation has made the progress faster but maybe it was happening anyway.

In 2006 my fingers started tingling but they still functioned alright, could put up with the pain in the morning and the clumsiness and lack of sensation if they still function.

Hate the pain and the weird feeling of having wooden arms up to the elbows, which is a strange sensation.

I am listening to BBC Radio 5 right now, they are discussing England’s World Cup bid for 2018.

Weird for me listening and thinking that my chances of being still alive then are tiny indeed, strange to think that, really odd to think that I may very well be alive to see the 2018 World Cup.

Very aware that what I have to constantly remind myself to stay n the present in the here and now and enjoy these precious moments.

 I am not a fortune teller so better not to speculate about time and dates but difficult for me not to wonder sometimes what will happen next.

Another Good Appointment.

 
Jan Steen.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jan_Steen


This lunchtime had an appointment about a neck support so that I can sit without any stress or strain to my neck.

The appointment was with Annelies from ARCA, Harm from Welzorg, Johanneke my occupational therapist and a man, and did not catch his name, from the suppliers of the Focal neck support.

It was a good appointment, certainly after the initial bumpy start, due to me worrying about what the headrest would be like.

 As it is it is excellent, gives me good support but leaves my quite free, was worried it           would be something constrictive like a neck brace but it is not it is very good.

Great to get such a useful support, another good thing is that the neck support was left with me to try it out.

 Have to let Johanneke know at our Friday appointment if it is good for me or not, nice that I can try it out in my own time.

 Better than having to make a snap decision as usually is the case, hate those moments as itis very difficult to say within minutes whether equipment if suitable or not.

Which is normally the case, hate having to say whether something works or not after 5 minutes.

Today things were different and I am sitting here now with my new neck support which I can test drive until this Friday.

Support And Encouragement From Richie And Friends..

 

Aelbert Cuyp.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aelbert_Cuyp

Grey sky today looks like full of the promise of a lot of snow, usually snow melts very quickly here, as we are surrounded by water and close to the sea.

Usually that is, seems this year could be very different as the small snowfall from Saturday is still on the ground today.

Also heard from Sue, a friend in Devon, that Westward Ho! this is right by the sea, always mild and damp, but is all iced up now; wonder if this winter will be very cold.

Here it is November 30 nearly December, how quickly time goes by once it is October.

Have enjoyed the change of the seasons much more this year than in recent years; think this year because I am sitting which I do enjoy so much.

Also think that this year I am more aware of the passing of time and the fact that I am very lucky to still be here, very happy that I am alive despite my many problems.

Been having quite some problems with my arms, hands and fingers, hate it all and who wouldn’t but somehow it makes me more determined to carry on writing.

Intend to carry on being me whatever happens, everything is so painful and clumsy, but what's new.

So I intend to keep going with the love and support of my darling Richie and the support and encouragement of friends which I very much appreciate.

Great to get so much support and from all around the world, it really gives me such a boost.

The support and encouragement helps me tremendously, although I still experience all the pain, discomfort it helps me to know so many friends are thinking of me and wishing me well.

Very Cold Today.

A Dutch Winter.

A bright freezing cold day here today with some snow too, Richie put on many layers to take the dogs out to the dog toilet.

Me I am taking it very easy keeping my right hand active which is not easy at all, a huge struggle.

Feels like I am pushing a heavy weight up a hill, quite painful too but I am determined to use my fingers and type.

Have been listening to two favourite songs from the early 1970’s hope you enjoy too:

Keep warm everyone who is experiencing this extreme cold weather.

An Emotional Month.

Barry James,

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Barry_%28painter%29

This month has been very emotional, with Richie’s dad dying on the last Saturday in October, which was very upsetting, especially for my darling Richie.

The only positive was the fact that Tom, Richie’s dad was no longer in pain that was I think a relief for his family.

So glad he came over and spent some time with us in Amsterdam in 2000, he was a very charming and lovely man, a real gentleman.

We took him to lots of places; we ate at the Melkweg restaurant, one of the big music venues which he enjoyed tremendously, being somewhere so hip and in.

We also took him to our favourite coffee shop the Basjoe, in the Nieuwmarkt, the oldest part of town.

A lovely place run by two brothers, James and Leo, who were charmed we had brought Richie’s dad to their coffee shop and greeted him very warmly.

They organised the best spot on heir terrace for us, was pleasant sitting there with Tom, watching the boats go by on the canal and the people walking by.

Shame he could not have stayed longer than he did but it was good to meet him and spend time together.

When he left Richie was up at the bottle bank getting rid of our empty bottles and found himself wondering if his dad had enjoyed himself while he was here.

At the moment he realised he had just thrown away 6 empty Spanish bottle of bubbly and decided that his dad probably had a great time.

It is always a big shock when your parents die; mine died at the beginning of 2000, within 3 weeks of each other.

No wonder I was so happy to meet Tom, he was then 85 the same age as my dad and also very interesting to talk with.

Since Tom’s death Richie has been very worried about Spike not being able to walk and my impending operation.

What an emotional month it has been and no wonder that tears have flowed and sleeping has not been easy.

Not Easy But It Is My Best And Only Option

Spike's New Wheelchair.
 

It is getting very cold here already 2 degrees here which has not happened for many years.

Since 2000 the winters have been milder and damper, so snow falling briefly and it being this cold already in November has not happened here since 1993.

Just sent a reply to a mail I received from a lovely friend whom I met at a yoga holiday in Devon in 1973.

Can’t believe that is 37 years ago, that saying ‘time flies’ is so true, 37 years ago we met at this wonderful holiday in lovely Devon.

Very good to still be in touch with Pam, keeping in touch with friends has always been important for me.

Guess it must have something to do with leaving Trinidad like we did, where I was not told we were going for good.

I just thought seeing as we had been to Europe twice on holiday that was what was happening again, I was actually looking forward to seeing my German cousins.

But not at the expense of all my friends and big family back home in Trinidad, would have been pretty upset had I known, but would have written down friends names and addresses.

As it was I did not have an address book with all my friends’ addresses and I never heard anything from any of my many friends after we left Cascade, Port of Spain, and Trinidad in 1962.

Still wish that somehow I could find people who remembered me in Trinidad, be so good to hear from my childhood friends from Port of Spain.

It was not nice at all, suddenly having no friends was horrible, remember it well, and guess all these thoughts have been triggered by Pam’s mail and thinking of all my friends

Feeling very sensitive today, tears have been shed at the loss of all my important childhood friendships plus the loss of movement in fingers, hands and arms and my torso moving too much.

Very worried that since the supra pubic catheter operation my condition seems to have got worse.

I now need even more adjustments in bed, than I have needed, as I am constantly moving and slumping as well as my body getting very skewed, it is not easy sitting in bed anymore..

Not nice to feel my hands, fingers and arms not functioning as well as before the operation, very scary especially thinking that relatively soon those functions will cease altogether.

I am very scared, but as there is nothing that I can do to stop the progression of this incredibly unpleasant and unpredictable disease.

So I am trying my very best to keep calm and remain cheerful and positive and enjoy the moments, not easy but it is my best and only option.

Dark Days In England, Scotland And Wales

Spike's New Wheelchair.

Oudezijds Achterburgwal, Amsterdam, Het Kolkje.

George Hendrik Breitner Rotterdam, 12 September 1857 - Amsterdam, 5 June 1923.


This morning Spike’s little wheelchair arrived just as the company Hondenrolstoel.nl had promised yesterday.

Took Richie quite awhile to put it together before he could put Spike in the harness, at first Spike refused to walk just sat and looked cross.

Just looked like he seemed to think we were torturing him and he wanted nothing to do with the wheelchair.

Apparently he would not walk to the dog toilet, when he got there he was very difficult would not do anything.

He wanted help but also not, the stroppy little devil, on the way back he seemed to notice that he could get about better to sniff all the other dogs scent.

Then he tried to refuse to walk home and wanted Richie to carry him home but eventually he walked home.

Then he and Marleen had a good play together which has not happened for a long time now, it was lovely to see.

They went to the park and have just got back now, Richie says Spike had a great time in the park.

He had a very good time according to Richie and was running around exploring all the bushes and having a brilliant time.

Looks like the wheelchair is a big hit with Spike, here is hoping for plenty of good times for the plucky little dog..

  

Looking Forward To Many Good Moments To Come.

Steel Foundry, Ijmuiden.

Jan Korthals (1916 - 1972)
Amsterdams Impressionist Artist.

It was a huge relief that my eyes were ok again yesterday, it really worried me tremendously.

The only way I could vaguely see my e-mails was to enlarge everything to 18 and then could just decipher my mails.

Had planned to go out yesterday afternoon, after my 10.00 appointment was finished and we had eaten and drank cups of tea, really had wanted to try out being steered by Richie.

We did not get any further than the front room as we were both extremely exhausted after the operation the day before and the visits to the University Animal Clinic.

  

I am recovering very well from the operation; the wound is very small and healing well.

Luckily I have had no pain and am extremely glad it is all over now, what a relief that it is done now,

Was impressed yesterday that the OLVG Hospital called to see how I was doing and to check that all was going well with my recovery.

Got the extra steering on back of the wheelchair and getting a new steering shortly for me to steer when I can using both of my hands.

It was a good appointment yesterday morning, I will get the new steering to try out for a short time and if it works for me will get that installed.

If it does not work well for me then I will get other systems to try out, so feel reassured that action will be taken when it is needed.

Spike is doing much better; he is cheerful and taking part again which has cheered up Marleen, who obviously missed their interactions.

Spike is moving around better, he has started trotting around a lot more indoors and even running in the park.

His wheelchair will be here tomorrow, we are both looking forward to Spike's wheelchair coming and seeing him run again with it.

I am taking it very easy today, slept right through to 11.30 this morning, obviously needed to catch up with my sleep.

Last night I fell asleep instantly as soon as Richie had turned the light off, think that today the last traces of the anaesthetic has worn off.

Looking forward to many good moments to come.

Good Day Today.

Soleil couchant à Ivry (Sunset at Ivry.

Armand Gullaumin
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Armand_Guillaumin

 The supra pubic catheter operation went very well, but so very tired afterwards and my eyes did not work well but are thankfully ok again today.

Really thought I was going blind, have heard about operations taking it out of you and causing MS to get worse but not my eyes, surely not now..

Glad I am not going blind, was a big shock last night when I suddenly all at once saw very little, had to use size 18 fonts to see anything, gave me a very bad shock.

Had a huge panic attack, Richie tried to reassure me that it was probably extreme exhaustion.

He was right; today my eyes are ok once again, which is brilliant, as I do not have to get too worried about my eyes right now.

The other good news is that Spike’s wheelchair will be here this week Thursday so hopefully Spike will be able to have a lot of fun with it.

The other good news is that the extra steering has been installed on the back of the wheelchair.

I am also going to get steering put right in the middle of my Perspex wheelchair table, so that I can use it to steer with both hands.

Which will fold away flat when I am not using and want to use my laptop or eat, think its good to use my hands for as long as possible.  

What A Day.

What a day today has been, horrible being jolted out of sleep this morning by Richie turning the light on at 07.30.

That was so cruel, wished I could curl up like a hedgehog and sleep until next February,

at the earliest.

07.30 was really horrible before I knew it I was being made very wet by Richie showering me, I slowly woke up properly.

Quite quickly I was in the front room blinking, still not totally awake, today the mobility bus came precisely on time, good driver, seen him before a few years ago, he remembered me too which was nice..

We were there, at the hospital,  just before time, the reception checked my hospital cardafter a ew minutes a nurse fetched us.

I was hoisted out of my wheelchair and put onto a bed, there Richie and a nurse took my clothes off and draped one of charming hospital gowns on me.

Do not remember quite how it happened but told the nurse I had drank a fruit shake at 07.00, she went to check with the doctor.

Who had to have a good think about this, drinking was allowed but only water or tea and fruit shake was not good.

There was nearly talk of it having the operation postponed until next week, then at 11.45 they cam e to take me through to surgery.

There was a pleasant group of people who shifted me off the bed onto another and attached blood pressure machine on right arm.

They attached three monitors on chest and this charming nurse chatted to me, on my request after I told her that what she was going to do scared me.

Well, the lovely woman smiled at me and had the infusion needle in the back of my hand before I realised it or even felt much, just a tiny prick, what an expert she was.

Then the anaesthetist hove into sight and I was surprised to hear that they had not hooked me up yet he laughed and said right now, I had to breathe from an oxygen mask did that twice and was gone.

Woke up at 13.00 a nurse came to see me right away and I was given a sip of water and I was on a saline drip.

After awhile a doctor came to see me and asked me my name, birth date, address and type of operation.

Shortly after that my bed was wheeled into a recovery room, where  a pleasant nurse got and fed me two slices of brown bread and butter and ham plus 2 mandarines to follow and many sips of water.

Not too long after, at 14.30 Richie arrived back, shortly after the drip bag was finished and a nurse took the infusion out of my left hand.

Then they dressed me and transferred me with a hoist into my wheelchair, a nurse phoned the mobility bus at 16.00, which arrived 30 minutes later and we were home at 16.45.  

It all went well the most painful was having the infusion taken off the back of my hand, now I feel a small vague something a slightly burny pain.

Not bad at all, the whole thing went better than I ever thought it would go, we are both relaxed and Spike’s walking has improved.

A good but tiring day, glad it is over.

    

A Quiet Day.

'

 
Paysage au bord du Lez, 1870, Minneapoli

Frédéric Bazille
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fr%C3%A9d%C3%A9ric_Bazille
 
Had a very relaxing and restful day today in an attempt to keep calm and not get too upset about my impending operation tomorrow.

It will take place at 11.30 tomorrow morning; have to be there at 10.30 in the morning so they can get me all ready for surgery.

Hope that the hour will pass by and they put me under real quickly and I come round well without any problems or complications.

Richie will go there with me for 10.30 and as soon as I get taken off by the pre op nurses he will leave and go home again and be with Spike and Marleen.

Then he will come back for 14.00 to see how I am doing and sit with me until I am ready to go home, hopefully at 16.00.

Oh well tomorrow late afternoon I will be back home and it will be all done and dusted, what a relief.

This morning just to remind me why the supra pubic catheter operation was needed my Foley catheter popped out.

Spike has been much brighter since Friday and today he has been walking quite a lot, he even went quietly into the front room and stole Marleen’s chew.

It looked so sweet we just let him get on with it was so cute seeing him sneaking through the bedroom limping back to his bed with his trophy.

   

    

Wheelchair For Spike.

Moy Mackay.
http://www.artroom59.co.uk/MoyMacKay.htm

I am feeling very tired today after the emotional day yesterday, it was such a long day because the control centre at Utrecht, caught fire.

Up to now there are still no trains, they hope to be back in business at 02.00 Sunday morning.

After installing computers and software, what huge good luck Richie had sitting near the man whose partner was driving from Amsterdam to get him.

 And for getting a lift to the end of the street next to our street, all because the man noticed Richie helping a disabled woman get into the train.

Now I am trying to get a dog wheelchair for Spike, just as the professor at the clinic suggested, she thought it would be good to give him a good time while he is here.

He is in no pain, he even managed to run into the front room when he heard Marleen squeak a toy and he is now chewing and defending his dog chew.

He is such a sweet dog, and it is lovely to see him still enjoying himself, have contacted three dog wheelchair places, one where you can hire them which would suit us well.

Love the idea of Spike having a good time while he can, sure he would enjoy it very much indeed.

Be real nice for him to get out to the Amsterdam woods and the parks and to be able to move freely and play with Marleen and us.

  

Friday's Sad News.

Claude Monet
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Claude_Monet

Yesterday I was at hospital again, just to have my blood pressure taken, shame they could not have done this last Thursday.

As the whole day was dominated by getting the mobility bus there then having to wait for a quick visit while a nice woman measured my blood pressure.

Which was fine as I thought it would be, and then 45 minutes wait for the bus home pretty tired afterwards and worrying about Spike's MRI today.

Have had two friends here today, Anne and Anja good to have good friends like them to come round and organise food and drink for me.

Just had bad news from Richie at 16 pm, the MRI has shown that it’s not a hernia but a tumour on Spike's spine.

So I guess we have a very difficult decision to make next week and Richie will have to take our wee darling to the vet for the last time.

Very difficult decisions but ones we have to make, it’s the duty of good care we promised our little friends.

These are difficult decisions for us to make and they all depend on the quality of life for our little darling Spike.

That is the important question and the only one that is valid. I guess and not what we want.

As what we want is Spike fit and well, running around happily and always there by my bed or wheelchair looking at me and wanting a game.

Crying now, finally only took three hours since Richie phoned at 16.00, and to add to the misery he is stuck in Utrecht because there has been a fire on a train so there are no trains tonight.

He has been promised a lift by another passenger whose wife is driving to pick him up so he will be home sometime just very late, my poor darling and poor Spike.

It is 19.00 now hope my darlings are back soon.

They were back at 20.00, what a relief.

Brilliant Gig Last Night At Paradiso.

 




Druids Bringing In The Mistletoe.

Edward Atkinson Hornel.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edward_Atkinson_Hornel

We had a brilliant time at The Drive By Truckers gig in Paradiso last night, was so good to be there again.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradiso_%28Amsterdam%29

Enjoyed the drive there in the mobility bus tremendously, was good to drive down streets that I had not seen for two years, since I have been in bed.

Realised once again what a lovely city Amsterdam is, all the lights were on and in the centre the trees were illuminated which is very pretty to see at this time of year..

It has been five years since we went to a concert, so was excellent to be there last night, really enjoyed myself and so did Richie.

It went by so quickly, they played a nice long set from 20.30 to 22.15, then they went away for a few minutes and were back to do an encore at 22.20.

Sadly we had to go then, as the mobility bus had arrived and was waiting for us outside, shame as Richie thought they would play a favourite track.

After managing to get out of the tricky doors, helped by two nice men holding them open we managed the tight and scary turn at the top of the steps and the even tighter turn into the lift.

Once outside we were met by another friendly mobility bus driver who soon got us into the bus and whisked us home.  

Was pretty wonderful to be there, had a huge grin on my face the whole time even when we were back home at 22.45.

Drive By Truckers.