Monday, January 18, 2010

Relearning How To Live.

At the moment I have no internet connection and do not know why not.

Immediately felt totally isolated without the internet and no mail, no connection to Blogger and my blog and worse of all, no connection to all the blogs that I visit.

Amazing what a restart can do, once there was an internet connection I felt better, could relax and write today’s post.

Something Webster said in her comment yesterday about falling and not seeing why, made me think of when I kept falling.

Think now that spasms probably made me fall, a weak spasm could be enough to knock you off balance.

So often when I fell there was a physical reason, there was ice on the steps at work, or there were boxes in the wrong place.

The paving stones were not laid well or the road had just been done or any number of reasons.

I remember falling down twice on more or less the same spot before I broke the cartilage in my right knee on the third occasion.

Each time there was no obvious reason or so it seemed, think now that it was a spasm each time that knocked me off balance.

Falling felt weird, remember the first time I fell when I was leaving work, one minute I was walking and the next I was on the ground.

The next time it happened I was very cross, especially as my favourite black trousers were ever so slightly damaged and my new Misfit’s skateboard shoes were slightly scuffed.

When I fell the third time as I was leaving work and two colleagues saw me fall and did not help, I was livid.

I was so cross I got up and told then what I thought of them and before stalking off to the bus.

Got home and only then did it start to hurt, Richie cleaned and put plasters on my knee and got me a cup of herbal tea and a pure weed joint.

The day after, Saturday I went to the supermarket and noticed that walking hurt and my right knee was moving strangely.

Had the feeling that I could fall at any minute, on the Monday I went to the doctor who thought I had damaged my knee.

She gave me a referral to the x-ray department of the hospital on the Prinsengracht, close to where we lived.

When the x-rays showed that I had broken the cartilage in my knee it was a relief, so was the fact that initial sessions with the physiotherapist seemed to be helping.

Progress was made for the first months, then 6 months later I seemed to get worse, suddenly my balance started to deteriorate.

Also had horrible back pains and thought that perhaps I had a hernia, our doctor could find nothing.

As, he did not like the fact that my right leg muscles looked smaller than the left, he referred me to a neurologist.

The neurologist sent me for an MRI and as a result, the diagnosis of Primary Progressive MS was made.

Four years ago now, four years of relearning how to live as a severely handicapped woman,

There have been some big changes, I still do not like what has happened but am no longer fighting myself.

Living in the moment is the best way to live; it has helped me to enjoy everything that I can and to not waste time with recriminations nor with predicting the future.

The here and now that is the only thing we all have, lets enjoy it right here and right now.


Rain said...

Hindsight is always 20/20. I would have not even imagined it could be spasms or anything physically wrong with me either. I'm glad you have such a good attitude about living for today. It's definitely the most rewarding way to live!
PS: I HATE losing my internet connection! My gosh, I'm so used to it for communication that it makes me quite anxious when it happens here.

Jo said...

Dear Herrad,

You have proven with MS, what an incredibly strong person you are -- I find that many of the people who have MS (or any progressive illness) are indeed the ones who have the most positive outlook on life, with everything in it's proper perspective.

With something like this, you fight harder, live harder and love harder -- and in doing so, teach all of us a valuable lesson in life and love.

Sometimes we all need a 'restart' -- and your blog is the place to come and get it!

Peace and serenity,

Joseph Pulikotil said...

Hi Herrad:)


When internet connection fails, I also get terribly upset. I feel as though I have lost some important thing in my daily life.

You have posted several wonderful and useful messages in this post.

Hope and pray you will have a good day Herrad:)

Herrad said...

Hi Rain,
Thanks for your comment.
You are right about hindsight, never knew anything about spasms, not when I was falling.
You are right internet connection is vital for us.

Hi Jo,
Thanks for your kind and supportive comment.
You are right about people with MS having a positive view of life.
We need to, so we can enjoy what we can.

Hi Joseph,
Thanks for your comment, totally agree with you about feeling lost without the internet.
My day has been good, hope yours was too..

Thanks everyone for coming by.
No internet is horrible for us all, hate to think of not being able to communicate with you.

Hope tomorrow is a good day for you.all.

Rei said...

Hi Herrad! I'm so glad that your loss of internet was only temporary! That sort of thing used to happen to me when I had DSL. Is that what you have?

And you're right about living day to day. That's all a person can do sometimes. I'm glad you've got a positive outlook! I sometimes need a pick-me-up and I look for positive people for that! :)


zoomdoggies said...

You are right, Herrad. Falling always felt very weird, almost like slow motion. Until I landed. Then it hurt. Since I no longer can stand or walk, I no longer fall. It's kind of thin compensation, but there it is.

"There is no time but the present."
-- Terry Pratchett
-- A Thief of Time

Travelogue for the Universe said...

Glad you are back online. I always enjoy your inspirational and real posts.Love, Mary

awb said...

I watched our football game the other day and realized that if I fell the way they did, you would have to carry me away in a helicopter! Hard to remember I actually played at one time.


Herrad said...

Hi Rei,
Thanks for coming by, good to see your comment.
The first days or two when I was suddenly 24/7 in bed I became convinced that my only hope of surviving was to be positive.
I think it is good to live in the moment, better than putting life on hold.
Have no idea what happened today, we have ADSL.

Hi Zoomdoggies,
You are right it felt like slow motion until you made contact with the floor again.
Agree with you not falling is not much compensation for not being able to stand or walk.

Hi Mary,
What a relief to get back online, hated the idea of not posting today , not being in communication with you and other friends.
Thanks for your visit and kind comment.

Hi Andy,
You are right it is difficult to remember that we were active people before.
Must be difficult to watch a sport that you used to play yourself, can imagine you almost want to pinch yourself, was that really you who used to play.

Thanks everyone for coming by, really appreciate your visits.
Gives me a big boost to see your comments, especially after my problem getting online today.
Hope today was a good day and tomorrow is too.
Keep warm and dry.

Tricia said...

I wish my husband had half your attitude and cheerfulness Herrad. You are an inspiration.

Kris said...

I go crazy with no internet as well!

ps, I have a giveaway on my blog. stop by if you can!

Herrad said...

Hi Tricia,
Thanks for coming by and leaving your kind and supportive comment.

Hi Kris,
Thought I was going to lose it yesterday when it took so long to get connected.
Glad I kept calm.
I will for sure stop by your blog and check out your giveaway.
Curious what it is, sure it must be good.

Thanks both of you for coming by and leaving comments.
Hope today, Tuesday is a good day for you both.
Keep warm and dry.

Joan said...

I hate when my entermet connection fails or my laptop plays me up its like needing a ciggie when you have none. Not that i smoke now gave up that great pleasure six years ago. Thank you for sharing you story. Love Joan

Herrad said...

Hi Joan,
Thanks for coming by and leaving your supportive comment.
I hate it too when anything goes wrong with my internet connection.
When it happened and it was not solved quickly I started to get worried.
It was a shock finding out that without internet my laptop is just a typewriter.
Keep warm.

Stuff could always be worse said...

Yes falling is one of those common problems we have...glad you can get past the grieving and look forward, that is a big step of progress!

Marilyn said...

Dear Herrad,

Just discovered your blog and plan to follow it often. It's beautiful. Thanks for your insight and inspiration!

Peace, Marilyn

Herrad said...

Hi Kim,
Thanks for your visit and kind comment.
Only way is to be positive.
No other option for me.

Hi Marlyn,
Thanks for coming by look forward to seeing you again.
Hope you start a blog too.

Thantks broth you lovely people for coming by.
Keep warm.
Have a good day tomorrow.