Monday, January 18, 2010
Relearning How To Live.
At the moment I have no internet connection and do not know why not.
Immediately felt totally isolated without the internet and no mail, no connection to Blogger and my blog and worse of all, no connection to all the blogs that I visit.
Amazing what a restart can do, once there was an internet connection I felt better, could relax and write today’s post.
Something Webster said in her comment yesterday about falling and not seeing why, made me think of when I kept falling.
Think now that spasms probably made me fall, a weak spasm could be enough to knock you off balance.
So often when I fell there was a physical reason, there was ice on the steps at work, or there were boxes in the wrong place.
The paving stones were not laid well or the road had just been done or any number of reasons.
I remember falling down twice on more or less the same spot before I broke the cartilage in my right knee on the third occasion.
Each time there was no obvious reason or so it seemed, think now that it was a spasm each time that knocked me off balance.
Falling felt weird, remember the first time I fell when I was leaving work, one minute I was walking and the next I was on the ground.
The next time it happened I was very cross, especially as my favourite black trousers were ever so slightly damaged and my new Misfit’s skateboard shoes were slightly scuffed.
When I fell the third time as I was leaving work and two colleagues saw me fall and did not help, I was livid.
I was so cross I got up and told then what I thought of them and before stalking off to the bus.
Got home and only then did it start to hurt, Richie cleaned and put plasters on my knee and got me a cup of herbal tea and a pure weed joint.
The day after, Saturday I went to the supermarket and noticed that walking hurt and my right knee was moving strangely.
Had the feeling that I could fall at any minute, on the Monday I went to the doctor who thought I had damaged my knee.
She gave me a referral to the x-ray department of the hospital on the Prinsengracht, close to where we lived.
When the x-rays showed that I had broken the cartilage in my knee it was a relief, so was the fact that initial sessions with the physiotherapist seemed to be helping.
Progress was made for the first months, then 6 months later I seemed to get worse, suddenly my balance started to deteriorate.
Also had horrible back pains and thought that perhaps I had a hernia, our doctor could find nothing.
As, he did not like the fact that my right leg muscles looked smaller than the left, he referred me to a neurologist.
The neurologist sent me for an MRI and as a result, the diagnosis of Primary Progressive MS was made.
Four years ago now, four years of relearning how to live as a severely handicapped woman,
There have been some big changes, I still do not like what has happened but am no longer fighting myself.
Living in the moment is the best way to live; it has helped me to enjoy everything that I can and to not waste time with recriminations nor with predicting the future.
The here and now that is the only thing we all have, lets enjoy it right here and right now.