Determined To Enjoy Here & Now.

Rooftops, View From Atelier In The Hague, 1882.


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vincent_van_Gogh

Yesterday evening, I was in alot of pain, could hardly move my arms, typing became impossible.

Richie advised me to take 2 mg diazepam, to help relax my muscles, it worked, not only my muscles, but me too.

Because I was relaxed, I actually managed later on, to get to sleep too, which was good.

This morning when I woke up I instantly felt all the pain once more, especially my arms.

What I noticed most of all was how immobile my arms were, they just lay there, not able to move at all.

It felt like my arms were nailed down, got overwhelmed with grief at the thought of not having functioning arms.

Tears started pouring down my face, could not stop them, Richie was right by my bedside as soon as he heard me crying.

I also heard Cyril wailing in distress, because I was upset, Richie dried my tears, this took ages, every time he had wiped them away more came.

A seemingly never-ending flood of tears had to tell myself to stop, eventually I did, and then Richie got me THC, which helped me get back to sleep.

When I woke up a couple hours later I felt calmer, more philosophical, still upset at the inevitability of my situation, but determined to enjoy here & now.