Realistic Optimism.

Roberto Matta

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roberto_Matta.

Today the hot weather has been replaced by much cooler weather, which makes it more bearable for me.

Before I went to sleep last night I was thinking about how strange it is to feel my body becoming gradually more paralysed.

What I find difficult to handle is all the pain that goes with it, why does it have to be painful, isn't it enough that my limbs do not function.

Ever since I could no longer walk at all in April 2007, I could not understand why my legs hurt so much when they could no longer do anything.

Thinking about it I realised that people who are deaf are often plagued by horrible noises in ears.

The other thing I heard was that amputees still feel their missing limbs, which must be odd feeling your leg after it has been amputated.

I'm sure many people would agree with me that it is rotten, to experience such discomfort and pain once one becomes severely handicapped.

it is strange that this happens, I wish that I did not have to feel pain in my legs all the way up to my midriff.

Now that my arms are losing functionality, I am experiencing a lot of pain and discomfort in my arms too.

My arms get cramped up tightly, this happens spontaneously as well as any time that I laugh, yawn, cough, sneeze, then it hurts a lot until the tension eases again.

When I wake up in the morning that is the first thing that happens as soon as I am conscious, and it takes quite a while for the arms to feel better again.

Being an severely handicapped as I am now, it feels like I am daily witnessing my constant steady decline which will result in my death I think in the near future.

I hope it isn't for some time yet as I would like to live a bit longer, in 2010 when I had survived two years in bed with a pressure sore and could sit in my wheelchair again it made me feel quite different about being alive.

Because of this wonderful development I was no longer depressed, pessimistic and feeling like I did not have long to live, I wanted to live for at least another five years.

Since my arms had deteriorated so rapidly from the beginning of this year I'm having to reassess my situation.

I still want to live as long as possible but realistically I feel it may not be as long as I want,I am going to I'm going to have to be realistically optimistic.