Sunday, June 07, 2009
Woke up this morning about 10 am and was immediately very aware that everything was hurting like hell.
Richie was getting up- so asked him right away for thc which he got me.
Was enjoying watching him and the dogs playing as they do every morning when they come in to greet us.
I was enjoying watching Marleen engage Richie in a game of tug with the old pair of jeans, in knotted strips, and Spike being the commentator jumping about alongside shaking his new toy vigorously in his mouth.
One minute I was laughing and enjoying the sight and the next I was howling felt really anguished and very, very scared.
Richie came straight over and put his arms around me which made me feel safer.
Think I would have gone mad if I had been told in 2006 that I would be as handicapped as someone with Motor Neurone's disease.
Had I known in 2006 that it would be a mere three year to get to where I am now, we both would have been shocked rigid.
Remember that I thought I would be dead the day after the diagnosis and went to bed fully expecting not to wake up the next day.
But I did.
Just became more handicapped than we hoped, hoped to be able to hobble around for a few years.
Could have coped with that especially if it meant getting round the city to our favourite places.
Like the coffee shops Basjoe and Xtreme and the Paradox and Tertulia and markets like Ten Cate Markt anid the Dapper Markt and the Albert Cuyp Markt.
And the Vondel Park and the Rembrandt’s Park..
Seem to be in the similar situation as someone with MN as I can not care for myself in any physical way.
Count myself very lucky that my arms still function and my mind is good as always so that I can care for myself mentally.
Which is so important, have gone from being in pain but cheerful until the thoughts of being as handicapped as someone with MN hit me, which caused me to realise yet again that’s me now.
I am extremely handicapped, it is my reality I am the talking head whose body does not function but I am also the one who can think things through.
The one that decided to enjoy all that I could enjoy, even managed that today where I went from total panic and crying copiously to watching the dogs trying to cheer me up and Richie wishing his love could cure me and make me better.
If love could do it then Richie’s love would do it for sure, would join with him in focussing our love for each other into healing me.
It does not help my body but my mind feels better now than when I woke up.
Richie made me pancakes rolled around strawberries and drizzled with maple syrup and fruit smoothie with lots of strawberries and had already eaten a bowl of strawberries.
Feeling brighter now, brighter than the weather it is overcast and grey which may lift at 17 pm when the sun often comes out to show us what could have been if the clouds had rolled away.
Hope the clouds were not preventing the sun shining in other parts.
Have a good day lovely people.