Sunday, June 07, 2009

Edmonton, Canada.

Woke up this morning about 10 am and was immediately very aware that everything was hurting like hell.

Richie was getting up- so asked him right away for thc which he got me.

Was enjoying watching him and the dogs playing as they do every morning when they come in to greet us.

I was enjoying watching Marleen engage Richie in a game of tug with the old pair of jeans, in knotted strips, and Spike being the commentator jumping about alongside shaking his new toy vigorously in his mouth.

One minute I was laughing and enjoying the sight and the next I was howling felt really anguished and very, very scared.

Richie came straight over and put his arms around me which made me feel safer.

Think I would have gone mad if I had been told in 2006 that I would be as handicapped as someone with Motor Neurone's disease.

Had I known in 2006 that it would be a mere three year to get to where I am now, we both would have been shocked rigid.

Remember that I thought I would be dead the day after the diagnosis and went to bed fully expecting not to wake up the next day.

But I did.

Just became more handicapped than we hoped, hoped to be able to hobble around for a few years.

Could have coped with that especially if it meant getting round the city to our favourite places.

Like the coffee shops Basjoe and Xtreme and the Paradox and Tertulia and markets like Ten Cate Markt anid the Dapper Markt and the Albert Cuyp Markt.

And the Vondel Park and the Rembrandt’s Park..

Seem to be in the similar situation as someone with MN as I can not care for myself in any physical way.

Count myself very lucky that my arms still function and my mind is good as always so that I can care for myself mentally.

Which is so important, have gone from being in pain but cheerful until the thoughts of being as handicapped as someone with MN hit me, which caused me to realise yet again that’s me now.

I am extremely handicapped, it is my reality I am the talking head whose body does not function but I am also the one who can think things through.

The one that decided to enjoy all that I could enjoy, even managed that today where I went from total panic and crying copiously to watching the dogs trying to cheer me up and Richie wishing his love could cure me and make me better.

If love could do it then Richie’s love would do it for sure, would join with him in focussing our love for each other into healing me.

It does not help my body but my mind feels better now than when I woke up.

Richie made me pancakes rolled around strawberries and drizzled with maple syrup and fruit smoothie with lots of strawberries and had already eaten a bowl of strawberries.

Feeling brighter now, brighter than the weather it is overcast and grey which may lift at 17 pm when the sun often comes out to show us what could have been if the clouds had rolled away.

Hope the clouds were not preventing the sun shining in other parts.

Have a good day lovely people.



Paradox ">



Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you have Richie and your dogs with you Herrad. So am I to understand you have MS and MN? That makes me speechless. I'm glad you felt brighter, I hope you still feel good. I think you deserve another glass of sparkly pink wine, what do you think? I'll raise a glass of lemonade for now!

Lille Diane said...

I love you so, and how Richie rolls you in a blanket of love just like he did the pancakes around strawberries. My love, Superman, loves me this way, too. I had a terrible panic attack last night in the car ---it immobilized me. I couldn't breathe, I cried uncontrollably. Some guys driving recklessly around our car triggered this melt-down inside my head. It was the worst I've had since January. The fears of the auto accident riddled my mind like bullets of glass. I may blog about it later. Right now just trying to stay strong. That's why I came to visit you first.

I knew you could help me put things in perspective. I knew it would be safe to vent, and safe to cry here with you. You always help me see how important one's thoughts are. Post traumatic stress disorder handicaps your brain. It robs if of thinking rationally at times. And can paralyze you completely. You help me get up and run, Herrad. Not away from life but toward it. I'm going to paint today, and while I do, I'll paint a picture for you. I'm painting poppies. I would send it to you if you'd like that. Anyway... I just wanted you to know how much you help people. I know I'm not the only one. You have a gift, Herrad. We open it every time we visit you. Hugzzzzzz.

Cranky said...

Herrad - Lille Diane is right - you do have a gift. Just saying "hi."

Lille Diane said...

I need help.... what is MN? I'll see if I can google it... Yep a big glass of lemonade with some sparkly pinkness!!! Thank you, Herrad... for the award and mention. Hugzzzzsnescal

SquirrelQueen said...

I do hope you are still feeling better. I definitely agree with Lille Diane that you have a gift which you share with each of us when we visit.

Herrad said...

Hi Rain,

Sorry did not express myself very well, I do not have MN.

Have rewritten the sentence it is now:

Think I would have gone mad if I had been told in 2006 that I would be as handicapped as someone with Motor Neurone's disease.

Would love to raise a glass with you perhaps we can do that on sykpe sometime.

Hi Lille Diane,

Thanks for coming by sorry to hear about your panic attack.

Get very upset thinking of you in a car accident.

How fucking horrible for you no wonder you are having flashbacks and panic attacks.

Poor sweetheart

You are very brave indeed going in any automobile.

Look forward to seeing your poppy, they are a particular favourite of mine.

Really glad I could help you.

Hi Cranky,

Thanks for your comment feel quite touched getting praised like this.

Hi Lille Diane,

I do not have Motor Neurones wrote the sentnece badly have rewrittien it to:

Think I would have gone mad if I had been told in 2006 that I would be as handicapped as someone with Motor Neurone's disease.

Hi SuirrelQueen,

Thanks for your sweet comment, do like people alot and glad I can help.

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments really appreciate them.


Anonymous said...

Hi Herrad! oh thank goodness I misread you!!! It's enough to have to deal with MS, I wouldn't wish you to deal with MN as well. Cheers my friend!

Anonymous said...

Oh btw, Skype...I was discussing this with Lille Diane, she also suggested it! My problem is an outdated webcam that is the only microphone I own. The delay is ultra annoying plus when I tested it with my landlady (only 200km away) she said she could barely hear me! I'll let you all know when I get better hardware because I'd love to connect that way!

Oz Girl said...

Such beautiful flower photos... I love the shots of your bleeding heart.

It's wonderful you have someone so special in your life to help you... I can't imagine the feelings of helplessness. It would be so hard for me to rely on someone else so totally, as I am sure it is for you.

Thank you for sharing your life on your blog... as the others mention, you are helping others, whether they have an illness or not. Those of us who are fortunate to NOT have an illness, are reminded to appreciate every single day of health that we have. It is not to be taken for granted.

Wishing you and yours a good week! :)

Herrad said...

Hi Oz Girl,

Thanks for coming by and leaving a comment.

It is really difficult to be so dependant but have no choice.

Richie looks after me so well and so tenderly that it is not horribly intrusive as it could be.

Hope you have a good week.