Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Not A Moment.

Last night I went to sleep quite quickly, probably just when I was thinking hope that I can fall asleep without any problems.

I recall thinking that and then do not remember anything else, not until I woke up this morning.

It was briefly sunny and the skies were a beautiful blue, sadly only very briefly, so much so that I can hardly remember what that looked like now.

It has become very grey and cloudy, with some wonderfully clouds, they looked like pure fantasy clouds.

Some looked like faces, others like mountains and others were even more fanciful.

Last night before I drifted off to sleep I was thinking about what I was going to write about today.

Only problem that now it is morning again and I do not remember a scrap of what I was going to have written about.

Wish I could remember it now, know that it was about how I am living now, how most of the time I do not think about how I am.

Just get on with it; every now and then it is quite a shock to contemplate exactly how handicapped I am.

When I recently discovered that I no longer have any movement in my torso I was shocked to bits, now that too has passed and I accept things as they and I am.

If I cry about it I could cry forever but that will not help, I can not change it for the better.

But I could make it worse by grieving excessively; mind you losing my mobility has been and still is awfully difficult for me and all those who knew me before to accept.

What I do find interesting is how my perception of myself changed at first because I just could not cope with the rapid changes.

Could not have imagined at the start being as I am now, would not have thought possible to live like I am now.

But it seems that losing so much has made me very appreciative for what I have and it means that life is even more precious to me now.

It has been and is illuminating for me to see this change in me, guess most people will recognise the emotions.

Life is difficult now that I am so dependant on Richie but what there is has become very special to me, so special that I do not want to miss a moment of it.

Not a moment, some say it is brave others that it is pure common sense to make the best of what you have, use it all while you can.

Live life in the here and now and enjoying all that can.


JC said...

I couldn't move when I woke up from my coma. I was where you are for only a few weeks. At least I know what you are talking about ...

Hope today you can find some joy ...

Stan said...

Dearest Herrad

quote: "But it seems that losing so much has made me very appreciative for what I have and it means that life is even more precious to me now."

One of those paradoxical life realizations in simple living truth. How many times has it been said "I never truly felt love, until I felt deeply the void of it's loss"

Life appears to be chalked full of painful lessons that inevitably are transformed into the treasure chest of gems and bounty buried beneath these shifting sands of experience within.

So from this treasure chest to yours; let these gems glisten brightly, and the shimmering gold of your being shine forth; for the journey has only begun, and this refuge is but a fleeting twinkling star in a clear night sky.

Hoping you have a wonderful day in the neighborhood my friend.

Ana said...

JC is right.
Even if I emphasize with you I don't know what it is to feel like you are feeling.
I tried to be with my eyes closed to try to understand how is life without seeing.
I opened them in less than five minutes because I realized that even if I spend on month knowing that it is temporary makes everything impossible.
As always I love your pictures.

Stephany said...

Hi Herrad!

You're an inspiration!

Herrad said...

Hi JC,
Thanks for visit adnd supportive comment.

Hi Stan,
Thanks for your visit and comment, it is weird how precious my life has become to me.o
Hope your day is good.

Thanks for your visit and supportive csomments
Have a good day.

Herrad said...

Hi Ana,
Thanks for your comment and visit and your empathy and friendship.

Hi Stephany,
Thanks for your visit, you too are an inspiration.
Thanks for your support, friendship and love.
Have a good day.


S.S-O said...

I can't imagine what you must be going thru...

take a cry now and then, nobody can be upset with u for doing that...but the attitude that u can't change it, u didn't ask for it and then dealing with it is best...

my mom always tells me, "u didn't buy it, so it can't be returned" so we have to deal...

if not...what is the alternative?

Travelogue for the Universe said...

You always say so much. Your writing is so heart felt and helps me understand you and what you cope with. I look forward every day to your posts if no other. My nursing practice is changing as I address clients with losses. I cannot predict how my MS will progress, but you remind me to enjoy each day we have on Earth. Have a great week. Hope for sunshine! Mild here. Weird, no snow except a trace off the freezing lake. Had a little sun today. Does you good.Love, Mary

Rain said...

Hi Herrad! Our situations are nowhere near alike, but I can really relate to what you said...when you lose everything, what you do have is the most precious thing. That is how I feel everyday since losing pretty much everything after the burnout. Good post!

Richie said...

I appreciate every moment we share. Life has a special intensity with you.

Herrad said...

Hi Stacey,
Thanks for coming by, good to see you comment.
You are right a cry at the right time is good.
And we do have to deal with it.

Hi Mary,
Thanks for coming by, and reading my blog.
Must be hard for you at work to deal with so many who are coming to terms with trauma.
Hope your MS is super slow.
Hope your week is good.

Hi Rain,
Thanks for your visit and sweet comment.
Also for your empathy, you are right when you lose everything what you have left is the most precious ever.

Hi Richie,
Feel the same about you.

Thanks all you sweet people for coming by, wish we could all lime together sure we would have a good time.
Your comments have given me a big boost.
Have a good day tomorrow.
Keep warm.

ρομπερτ said...

Dear Herrad,
"not a moment" of sleep, after being awake for now 19 hours. Working and afterwords playing with the kid until he fell asleep, only to awake two hours later, to remain so until 04.00 o'clock.
Returning now to the desk, reading what you teach, was of very much help.
Please have you two a wonderful Wednesday.

Denver Refashionista said...

What you say makes sense to me. The here and now is what it is all about and the little things are what count.

Herrad said...

Hi Robert,
Nice to see you comment, thanks for your visit.
Hope your Wednesday is good.
Hope you rested during the day and will sleep well tonight.

Hi Nadja,
You are right it is the little things that matter the most.
Hope your day is good and you are keeping warm.

Thanks both of you for visiting my blog it is very much appreciated.
Keep warm.