Sunday, September 06, 2009

The Uninvited Houseguest.






Post Modernist Art.






Expressionist Art.






Vincent van Gogh.



MS is a shitty disease that came to visit uninvited and decided to stay.

First there were small tremors in the legs, then tingling in the hands.

Walking getting difficult, dragging right leg and stumbling more and more.

Quickly had a stick, then a walking aid, then a wheelchair.

Fell so often in the time before but always a reason, many reasons, when all along there was but one.

Difficult to explain the many strange, uncomfortable and painful sensations.

So many too, on my head and scalp tingly mildly at first, now there are, little electric shocks, tingling, jangling, irritated, oversensitive, feels on fire.

Tingling in the fingers, but fingers worked, could still roll my joints and pluck hairs and file nails and paint them too.

No problem with knife and fork, or eating with one hand and holding a glass with the other.

Could type with both hands and write with a pen, no problem turning pages or reading letters, or shuffling papers or reading the newspapers.

Could pick up the teapot and pour tea, could spread butter on bread, pick up a piece of cake.

Hands stopped functioning well and I could not do too much.

Then the spasms became more, and stronger, they flipped me backwards out of my wheelchair.

That hurt my back and my neck real bad, hanging there until rescued, scary times hanging with vomit running across my face and eyes.

Rescued by my darling and comforted and cleaned and drank tea together.

Had already got used to being washed and dried, was happy I could still do m y face and teeth.

Painful sensations are moving bit by bit across my body; in 2007 it had got to near the top of my legs.

Now it is up to my breasts and I feel the full range of painful sensations up to my armpits.

It is tingling, fizzing, stinging, pricking, and slashing, shocking.

My arms and shoulders are very stiff and painful, difficult to straighten them in the mornings.

At night I lie where I am placed.

In the morning as soon as I am awake I feel all the painful sensations as they travel around my body.

The MS has stolen much since it first came by as a sneak thief, then it got bolder and just marched in and took.


I can still smile, laugh, cry, shout, express love and be loved.

Can communicate, can eat and drink and breathe.

May have no independence of movement or actions now, but I have my will, my intelligence and humour.

As long as I have that I am still me.

11 comments:

mortonlake said...

i had dead hands.like plunging them into nettles,the tingling you get after.then gradullay,pain,spasticity,difficulty in swallowing.blah blah.trouble is every single ms sufferer is different.no 2 get exactly the same symptoms.take care herrad,love mort xx

Rain said...

Wow Herrad....that is quite a timeline...terrible disease. I am also glad you have your intelligence and sense of humour with you. Disease or not, I feel like I know the real you from your blog.

Herrad said...

Hi Mort,
Lovely to see your comment, you are right its a shitty illness thats got us all.
You take care too.

Hi Rain,
Its crap isn't, glad we are getting to know each other.

Thanks both of you for visiting my blog, hope your day has been good and tomorrow is a good start to the week.

Love,
Herrad

Stephany said...

Hi Herrad, seems good people have crap happen to them without warning, no one has answers makes it worse. Same as w/my daughter. No answers from medical profession just throw drugs at it that do more harm than good.

I'm making slow cooking beef and vegetable stew, i used shiraz wine in a mushroom deglaze of the pan to make the sauce to add to the slow cooker. Will be nice to eat today, it's raining like Autumn has arrived here.

I picked wild blackberries (2 big bowls this week) and have been making pancakes with them in the batter. Really good, so it's those small things that make us smile that get us through these days, right?

Hope you sleep good tonight

Herrad said...

Hi Stephany,
Quick reply as its late have to sleep.
It's crap how these things happen just like that, in some ways I am glad there no drugs for PPMS as tre is no guarantees with any of them and they have terrible side effects and can at best only slow down the progress.
Drug companies only develop those types of drugs as a cure would lose them trade and they are after all just pimps or so iot seems to me.
Your stew sounds delicious please send us some.
Love,
Herrad

Chekoala said...

Hi Herrad

Sorry to hear you have been having new symptoms of late but thank you for sharing about them and your thoughts on yr blog ...

If it is not too personal a thing, do you ever mention anywhere about how you and Richie met? I often wonder when I read all the wonderful mentions of how you are there for each other!

Take care

Herrad said...

Hi Stephany,
Quick reply as its late have to sleep.
It's crap how these things happen just like that, in some ways I am glad there no drugs for PPMS as tre is no guarantees with any of them and they have terrible side effects and can at best only slow down the progress.
Drug companies only develop those types of drugs as a cure would lose them trade and they are after all just pimps or so iot seems to me.
Your stew sounds delicious please send us some.
Love,
Herrad

Joan said...

I did not know too much about MS till I started to read you blog, what a dredjul thing it is and am so sad you have to suffer it. LOve all the art pictures so many talented people but Vincent is still the best. Hope you have a peaceful day. Love Joan

Nat said...

It sucks that things are so hard right now. Your intelligence and your sense of humour brighten the blogosphere... I'm glad you have them to :-)
Hugs Nat x

Herrad said...

Hi Chekoala,
Thanks for coming by and giving me your support.
We met through a mutual friend here in Amsterdam.
You take care too and have a good day.

Hi Joan,
Thanks for becoming a friend and being so supportive, it is much apreciated.
Hope you are doing well and recovered fully now.
Vincent van Gogh is beautiful isn't he.
Have a good day too.

Hi Nat,
Yes its shit but it is for all of us with this shitty disease.
Thanks for your comment has given me a hell of a boost.
Bet you are boosted by Charlton winning all their games, shame The Curb is not still there but your new manager seems to be doing the business for the club so hopefully next May they will go up again.
Have a nice day.

Thanks to both of you for coming by and thanks for the support.
Love,
Herrad

Isabel said...

Celeste Maia's Moonlight award is well placed in your hands, Herrad.
Your intelligence, humour and courage is definitely winning over your struggle with MS.
It is women like you that are an inspiration to me. I wish we could all get together,and send such positive energy your way that all your pain would go away.

Thank you for your lovely comment on my blog.
With you in thought.

xox

Isabel