Monday, December 07, 2009

An Emotional Week.

Been thinking today about life and living and how we all take it for granted until something happens.

Like a progressive disease where suddenly everything is very different.

Little did I know on that July day in 2006 that within the year I would become so handicapped, and that our lives would be altered so very dramatically,

Remember that just before my first MRI I had a feeling that everything would not be ok, that this could be something that might not be mend able.

At the time I thought I would be told that I had a tumour on my brain, these were my thoughts the night we realised Daisy, our dog was very ill.

We could see that she was in tremendous pain and was very scared, luckily we had some pain killers from the vets so could give her some relief that night.

Recall looking at her and thinking that neither of us had got long to live, did not know then that she had precisely two days left.

I think now that I was very emotional that night; it was a horrible shock, our lovely Daisy was suddenly with no warning ill.

This happened on the Sunday and by the Tuesday we had taken her to the vets for the last time.

What an over the top emotional week that was.

On Friday 23 June I went off to the hospital for my first MRI feeling like a lamb going off to slaughter.

I did not get slaughtered but a month later when we went to the hospital for the results, we were told that I had Primary Progressive MS.

We were absolutely shattered, it was Wednesday, 19 July, I spent rest of the week crying and trying to evade the diagnosis.

By the Saturday I decided to get my head out of the sand and get some information from the internet.

Discovered that there was plenty of information, there were also plenty of diets and plenty of sites offering miracle cures.

Most of the information did not seem to be underpinned by much scientific research so was of little use to me.

When I discovered that I could not get into the newly built supposedly accessible local swimming pool I started this blog.

That was on 4 October 2006 and my first post was incredibly long, reads now more like an essay rather than a post.

It was interesting reading my first post, glad to see I did not write why me, then as now I think if not me then someone else and I could not wish this on someone else.

I do wish that a cure was found, or at least that the cause was known and a cure was being worked on.

Neither of those things is sadly true, it is amazing given how long people have been suffering from MS that we are no nearer to a cure.

But maybe there is no cure, we humans do tend to think we can cure everything, if it is broken we will fix it.

But perhaps we can not fix everything, we think because we have reason that this elevates us to something better than the other animals.

Shame that we think we are so superior.

Perhaps it would be better to acknowledge that we are animals, intelligent, social animals and instead of wondering about the meaning of life we should get on with living, and living in the here and now.

We need to recognise that we need each other and that the best way for us to live is to look after and nurture each other that in my opinion is the best way to ensure our survival.


Anonymous said...

Dear Herrad,
once again you are a great teacher of life and so many other things as well - one can only be glad to have found your site, which I hope will continue for a long time to come.
A wonderful Tuesday for you all.

Nancy said...

Soulful post, Herrad. I will be pondering this for a while.

Peace Be With You said...

Herrad, I send you a hug.

Travelogue for the Universe said...

This is beautiful.Your writing and correspondance helps me feel not quite so alone on this planet. I believe my doctor and others are trying to correlate DNA plus MRI plus disease and prevention of progression. I believe disease will always occur and hope we can find answers through study.Love, mary. p.s. yesterday I recalled how when I was laid off after 14 years as a hospital nurse, the Chief nurse was heard to say it was as easy as leading lambs to slaughter. It was weird you wrote that, over across the pond.Different meaning a little. Both awful things. I wish you great things.mary

Rei said...

Beautiful photos as always, Herrad. I agree with you about our status on this planet. That we tend to elevate ourselves above other lifeforms when in fact we are no more significant than an insect...

I wish there was something that I could do to take away your pain and misery. I really wish that there was a cure for MS and that you could live a normal, happy life. But as you said, we sometimes must just accept our circumstances and make the best of what life deals us.


Kris said...

Lovely post, Herrad. I agree and believe every word you said! Here's to living life to the fullest, take the time we have left and shine through it! xxoo

zoomdoggies said...

Herrad - A thought-provoking post, as usual. Hard questions with no answers. Thank you.

Have Myelin? said...

I know.

I hope there is a reason for all this and I can't imagine what lessons there are for us to learn but I really don't like the teacher!

I say that with a chuckle I guess...

I love the pictures you picked today.

Jo said...

Hi, my darling gal.

After a week of dealing with a 'Swine Flu' afflicted hubby, I am trying to catch back up on spreading the blog love (he went back to work today)--and yours was my first stop.

While I believe I have a handle on what MS is (and can see what it's effects are on my good friend whom I walk for) I certainly can't sit here and say that I know how you feel and what it's like to personally have MS.

I don't.

After doing the research and volunteering for going on three years, there seems to be no two cases alike.

I only know this: I get inspired by the people I work with at the MS camp I attend every year (as a caregiver/camp counselor) and their stories propel me to keep fundraising. Yes, I began this because of my friend, Scott--but now I keep going because of EVERYONE who is afflicted with MS. I have been educated and enlightened and wish to do so for others....

I'll tell you this much, sweet Herrad--every year when I send out my fundraising E-mail for the 'MS Walk', I include a list of all the research projects being done in my area. I want people to know what's being done and where. I need them to see how much it costs (typically in the hundreds of thousands per project), how long each one takes (3-5 years) and specifially what it entails.

For people to see WHERE their donation goes makes a difference--and I hope it brings you some comfort to know that I think about this every day and will continue to fight against MS.

So, here's to keeping hope alive, dear lady.

Sorry I got so long-winded here--but you inspired me to write about MS on my blog today--off to do so now. :)

Much peace, love and happiness to you, darling girl. Stay strong.
'Diary Of A Sad Housewife'

Herrad said...

Hi Robert,
Thanks for coming by and leaving your lovely comment, it is much appreciated.

Hi Nancy,
Thanks for your visit, glad you liked my post.

Hi Judy,
Thanks for coming by, a big hug to you too.

Hi Mary,
Thanks for coming by my blog.
Glad that my writing is useful for you, very happy to read your comment.

Hi Rei,
Thanks for coming by, and thanks for your comment.
Glad you like the pictures.
I agree with you that we are no more significant than an insect.
Insects contribute more than we do to the survival of the planet.

Hi Kris,
Thanks for coming by and leaving your lovely comment.
You are right we need to shine through the time we have.

Hi Sherry,
Thanks for coming by, it is good to see your comment.
I agree with you, can´t imagine either what lessons we possibly could need to learn from this awful teacher.
Glad you liked the pictures.

Hi Jo,
Thanks for coming by and leaving a comment.
Good to hear that you inform people where their money goes to.
I enjoyed reading your comment and did not find it at all long winded.

Thanks everyone for coming by, it was good to get your comments.
Really appreciate hearing from you.

Richie said...

It was a strange time that ripped the arse out of my universe. I was just thinking that I was (for the first time) really content with my life- my job was crap but do-able my house was no the greatest apartment but was in a lovely bit of a lovely city- my sweet doggies and above all my lovely Herrad- I remember thinking I don't mind getting old like this. Then Daisy died and you got sick. I don't think I will ever trust the world again.

Herrad said...

Hi Richie,
Thanks for coming by and leaving your comment.
You are right that day really ripped vour lives apart.
Daisy dying and the MRI in the same week really did my head in.
Did not realise then there was even worse to come.
Thanks for being here with me.
Love you.