Tuesday, December 29, 2009
The Future is Still in the Future, The Present is Here Now.
Yesterday my hands would not cooperate and I had big problems clicking the mouse, suddenly could not do anything, which was a horrible.
My right hand is getting worse; the fingers just would not hold the mouse so that I could use my index finger.
The index finger was curled up and would not straighten and could not click on anything even when I tried as slowly as possible.
It took me up to 5 minutes to click on something and then had to steer the mouse with one hand and click with the other hand.
All very frustrating and scary, really freaked me out to see and experience what the future may hold for me.
Been reminding myself to stay in the moment and not get too ahead of myself, the future maybe like that but it may not.
Not much point starting to live it now, better to leave it alone until it does happen and then deal with it.
The thought that I will not be able to use my laptop and communicate is almost too dreadful for me to contemplate.
The laptop and the internet have kept me going since last year, and finding so many wonderful people via the blog world has been a huge boost for me and one that I do not want to do without.
So I am not going to dwell on it, this did not really work for me last night as I lay a wake for hours, before finally sleeping at about 5 am.
It was an unpleasant wake up call yesterday; it felt like I was slapped round the face with the evidence of my hands not functioning well.
Got very upset while Richie was in the park, shocked myself by saying that I did not want to live like this and burst into tears.
This was when I realised that I did very much want to live and saying that I wanted to die made me cry lots.
Was sobbing that I wanted to live for as long as possible.
Was very glad to see Richie home from the park with the dogs and I could ask for his help in opening mails and getting the online newspapers and a radio station for me.
Later in the bathroom while Richie was showering me he told me how much he loved me and said that as long as I was with him everything was alright.
This really got to me, especially as I had been thinking of not being able to be here with him for too much longer and I started to cry and we cuddled.
Later when I was back in front of my laptop my fingers were cooperating again and I did not feel so desperate anymore.
Writing this has made me cry again, am quite damp around my face and throat, I am going to dry my face and post this after I have found some pictures.
Then I am going to take it easy and enjoy this splendid misty grey afternoon now that the faint glimmer of sun has departed.