Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Future is Still in the Future, The Present is Here Now.

Peter Blake


Yesterday my hands would not cooperate and I had big problems clicking the mouse, suddenly could not do anything, which was a horrible.

My right hand is getting worse; the fingers just would not hold the mouse so that I could use my index finger.

The index finger was curled up and would not straighten and could not click on anything even when I tried as slowly as possible.

It took me up to 5 minutes to click on something and then had to steer the mouse with one hand and click with the other hand.

All very frustrating and scary, really freaked me out to see and experience what the future may hold for me.

Been reminding myself to stay in the moment and not get too ahead of myself, the future maybe like that but it may not.

Not much point starting to live it now, better to leave it alone until it does happen and then deal with it.

The thought that I will not be able to use my laptop and communicate is almost too dreadful for me to contemplate.

The laptop and the internet have kept me going since last year, and finding so many wonderful people via the blog world has been a huge boost for me and one that I do not want to do without.

So I am not going to dwell on it, this did not really work for me last night as I lay a wake for hours, before finally sleeping at about 5 am.

It was an unpleasant wake up call yesterday; it felt like I was slapped round the face with the evidence of my hands not functioning well.

Got very upset while Richie was in the park, shocked myself by saying that I did not want to live like this and burst into tears.

This was when I realised that I did very much want to live and saying that I wanted to die made me cry lots.

Was sobbing that I wanted to live for as long as possible.

Was very glad to see Richie home from the park with the dogs and I could ask for his help in opening mails and getting the online newspapers and a radio station for me.

Later in the bathroom while Richie was showering me he told me how much he loved me and said that as long as I was with him everything was alright.

This really got to me, especially as I had been thinking of not being able to be here with him for too much longer and I started to cry and we cuddled.

Later when I was back in front of my laptop my fingers were cooperating again and I did not feel so desperate anymore.

Writing this has made me cry again, am quite damp around my face and throat, I am going to dry my face and post this after I have found some pictures.

Then I am going to take it easy and enjoy this splendid misty grey afternoon now that the faint glimmer of sun has departed.


Amrita said...

Dear Herrad, so sorry to hear of your awful experience. I can understand such setbacks and frustrations. I 've had them too.
Richie is a good caregiver. God bless you both

Stephany said...

Hi Herrad, I'm sorry this happened, I know these things will, but as you said, it's an unpleasant shock. Don't worry about losing the internet connection, Richie can read to you as time allows, and maybe write for you too (if he has the energy himself, not wanting to place too much on him to write for all of us!)

Sending a big hug, and lots of love, Stephany

Herrad said...

Hi Amrita,
Thanks for coming by, you will know yourself how frustrating and upsetting any setback is.
Very sweet to see your comment.

Hi Stephany,
Thanks for your visit and supportive comment.
Sure Richie will do all he can to help me, plus I have the voice recognition software.
Sure Richie will help all he can.

Thanks both of you for coming by and leaving your supportive comments.
Hope today is a good day for you both.


Anonymous said...

I'm sad to hear you had such a terrible time. It's a reality check for me too. I'm so glad that you have your Richie. I do hope that the crying helped to release your despair. Take care Herrad.

Norma Lee @ Norma Lee Good said...

OH Herrad, I am so sorry to hear that. Our minds have a powerful/scary ability to scare us more than the actual event itself. You are very lucky to have Richie. Take care of him as he does you. I pray that a cure if found. Soon. I know we all have scares like this but just rememeber to breathe, and slow down. I have found the more I panic/upset myself in situations like this the more difficulty I have and almost do more damage. Blessings...

mortonlake said...

hi herrad.the nasty side effectt you describe is common im afraid.but..........there are devices on the market to help you overcome it.now you going to say,ok mort where,arent you??ermmm lol.all i know is there are.seen them.try stus views for advice.remember,what we have today,we may not have tomorrow.hope it does not reccur too often love.and ffs herrad,you allowed a good cry once in a while. im afraid i often do myself.xxxxxx

Peace Be With You said...

Oh, Herrad, I'm so sorry for your frightening experience. I know how much, given my impaired mobility, the computer has come to mean to me. There is someone who blogs at, I think, Enjoying the Ride, who now uses voice recognition technology. I don't know if that's an option for you. I am grateful to "hear" your voice on this blog. Loved that Beatles cover, BTW.


Rei said...

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties, Herrad. I can't imagine living with what you do every single day, you are a very brave person. Also, if you fear that you will someday lose the use of your hands and not be able to use your computer, fear not. There are great voice recognition programs that will help with everything from typing to using the web.

I'm also glad that you have someone there to care for you. Richie sounds like a very good person and you're lucky to have him. ^^


Anonymous said...

Yesterday, today was still tomorrow, which will hopefully be filled with joy for you, leaving the last day a memory of a year nearly gone by. Please have you both a wonderful Wednesday.

Herrad said...

Hi Rain,
Thanks for coming by, it was bloody awful yesterday.
Better today, it did get to me and I really howled, you are right it was good for me to cry.
You take care too dear friend.

Hi Norma Lee Good,
You are right we do give ourselves alot of extra stress.
I did get into a right old state yesterday., then after a shower and some food life felt better and I could used the mouse better.

Hi Mort,
Thanks for your supportive comment, you are right it is ok, even good for us to cry and let it out.
Today was a better day, have even been able to type with both hands, only one finger on each hand but miles better than yesterday.
Hated that especially as it happened when Richie was out with the dogs.

Hi Judy,
It was very scary especially as Richie was in the park with the dogs.
Thanks for the info about Enjoying the Ride, I will go over and visit Mitch's blog in a moment.
The Beatles cover is very good, Peter Blake is great.

Hi Rei,
Thanks for your supportive comment, did me good to read it.
Wonder if it can also help you open various application, goggle, play games as well as turning on the laptop.
Need to investigate, also going to check out Brain fingers, this is software you can direct wit your thoughts, Steven Hawkins uses it, it sounds very good.

Thanks everyone or coming by ad leaving such supportive comments, really appreciate your friendship and support.
Hope tomorrow is a good day for you all.
Keep warm.

Enjoying the Ride said...

Hello Herrad,

I hope today is a better day for you.

I am no expert in voice recognition software. I use Dragon Naturally Speaking for dictation. It purports to allow the user to operate a computer without a mouse, but I've not tried it, and I'm a little suspicious. Maybe we can figure this out together.


Herrad said...

Hi Mitch,
Today is a better day, hope it is a good day for you too.
Thanks for coming by, I too have Dragon software have only used it briefly would be very pleased if it could also help operate the pc that would be good.
Have been thinking of investigating Brain fingers the software Steven Hawkins uses.
Be interested to hear what you think of it.

Enjoying the Ride said...

The brainfinger software certainly looks intriguing. I noticed that there is a Netherlands distributor:

Herman Visser
Donauring 83
5463 AC Veghel
Phone: +31(0)413 366622
E-Mail: info@heservis.nl

I suggest you contact them for a demonstration. It's nice to know that there is hope for us even after both our legs and hands fail.

As long as I can access a computer, I think life will be bearable.


Ana said...

I am having back problems and I really need to take a break from the computer or I will be in serious trouble.
As I am saying to some people that I have my little finger and the next finger feeling very strange I heard many people reporting problems caused because of the mouse, specially the mouse.
Young and healthy people are always having problems.
I heard of a girl who had to remove a ball of water that was created in a certain part between these too fingers.
I hope one day we can use screen touch computers and get rid of the mouse.
I'm glad you are being able to write.
I love your blog.
and you of course.