Monday, March 16, 2009
St. Patrick's Day!
Last night was difficult to fall asleep tried my best but nothing worked, finally in the early morning Richie went to the WC and I asked him to get me a bag of THC.
Inhaled it and drifted off right away which was great, woke up at 9 am much too abruptly.
Tried my best to dream again and succeeded only to find myself in a cheese shop near where we used to live.
It was so realistic I could smell the cheese and suddenly the thought bubbled up that I would never go to that shop again or to Gerda's the exquisite flower shop or go to Nick's veg shop or to the Xtreme coffee shop.
Started crying then and could not stop for ages at the thought that my memories were what I had instead of going out and making new ones.
The memories of going to these shops in the past flashed past, queuing in the very popular cheese shop and then when it was my turn getting to taste everything I bought.
The cheese shop owner loved customers who were willing to try something different the baker preferred me coming back for favourites and the flower shop loved its customers as did Nick and his partner Ron at the veg shop.
Difficult suddenly getting all the visual memories this morning made me so aware of my current situation.
Strange how the pleasant dream got so sad but it's difficult to contemplate the idea that I will not be alive for too much longer.
The idea having to say goodbye much too soon to my darling Richie, the love of my life is bloody hard.
Just typing that brings tears to my eyes and when I reread later it will make me cry again.
Even glancing back now makes my eyes start to fill up again, can't help it just happens.
Am aware that I can not stay in this sad train of thought it’s all in the future and have to get myself back into the present the here and now.
Richie made a delicious soup at lunchtime; the fysio came at 2pm and made me sweat as usual.
Afterwards I enjoyed the room being bathed in sunshine it was beautiful it helped me get back to the present.
Tomorrow is my birthday Richie is baking a cake and a few people will pop by to raise a glass and eat some cake.
So have finally successfully dried my tears and looking forward to tomorrow and my birthday on St. Patrick's Day yippee!!!!!!