Thursday, March 26, 2009
Got quite worried late afternoon yesterday and was winding myself up luckily realised that I was giving myself a hard time.
Dreadful that I have to be so critical of myself, whenever it becomes clear that’s what is happening I can back off and can stop berating myself.
Realise time and again that telling myself off is time consuming irrelevance and could better be nice to myself and just do what I can.
The result of telling myself off is that I lose confidence in my ability to do anything, that I feeI can't organise, can't deal with the post and pay bills.
Feel useless and can't seem to get out of that feeling so today is the start of my changing that too.
Accepting that my mobility has gone and I need help with everything is difficult and coming to terms with that has been hard.
Worse still is not being able to do much with my hands, the lack of flexibility and feeling and sensation in my hands is really hard to take.
Can feel pain but nothing more subtle than that which is a huge source of frustration for me.
Can't open my purse and get money out, can't open a letter and unfold the contents unless I rip the envelope open with my teeth and laboriously fold open the letter also using teeth.
Can’t pay bills online without Richie’s help need him to put the card in the card reader and put the codes in, hated that happening that couldn’t do that on my own anymore.
It’s been one thing after another and all very hard to deal with try to celebrate what I can do and not to dwell on what I can’t do.
Easier said than done, have to laugh at that, it is almost painful laughing just not which gives it an additional frisson of excitement!