Thursday, March 26, 2009

Got quite worried late afternoon yesterday and was winding myself up luckily realised that I was giving myself a hard time.

Dreadful that I have to be so critical of myself, whenever it becomes clear that’s what is happening I can back off and can stop berating myself.

Realise time and again that telling myself off is time consuming irrelevance and could better be nice to myself and just do what I can.

The result of telling myself off is that I lose confidence in my ability to do anything, that I feeI can't organise, can't deal with the post and pay bills.

Feel useless and can't seem to get out of that feeling so today is the start of my changing that too.

Accepting that my mobility has gone and I need help with everything is difficult and coming to terms with that has been hard.

Worse still is not being able to do much with my hands, the lack of flexibility and feeling and sensation in my hands is really hard to take.

Can feel pain but nothing more subtle than that which is a huge source of frustration for me.

Can't open my purse and get money out, can't open a letter and unfold the contents unless I rip the envelope open with my teeth and laboriously fold open the letter also using teeth.

Can’t pay bills online without Richie’s help need him to put the card in the card reader and put the codes in, hated that happening that couldn’t do that on my own anymore.

It’s been one thing after another and all very hard to deal with try to celebrate what I can do and not to dwell on what I can’t do.

Easier said than done, have to laugh at that, it is almost painful laughing just not which gives it an additional frisson of excitement!


mortonlake said...

i know in relapse at moment,and the pain is flicking awful.but we got to keep going hun,you really want to let it beat you?one day it may herrad.but that day aint today,or tomorrow.i wish you nothing but good things my friend,wish your pain would ease,take care,love some pratt said to me today,well,ms cant be too bad,you walk ok.he does still have a spleen,bit bruised ears though,lol.god save me from people like him.

Libby said...

herrad, i'm so sorry that you're in pain! *cyberhugs, & a warm encouraging pat on the back* thank goodness that thc is there when you need it! sometimes it helps just to type or tell someone exactly the little things you deal with every day, even though i know that, to us, they're not little anymore, they're huge!

Anonymous said...

I won't give the impassioned argument I have in my head about why you should be oh so kind to yourself, Herrad, because I understand emotions play those sort of tricks.
Accepting that my mobility is gone....well, it is such a damn difficult thing to accept. But accepting help because you need it and are truly worth it, well, that is a different thing.

I have such delicate respect for you. ~Mary

Taxingwoman said...

Hi! herrad .The canal photos are lovely. I wanted to ask you. Do you mainly use the THC for pain relief ? and if so,is it better in comparison to other pain relievers ?

I'm considering using it.

awb said...

I'm using this neuromuscular stimulator in hopes of being able to extend the time I have on my legs, I know it's coming, but I play ostrich and ignore it. I want to worry about grades, or if the right girl thought I was cute. These health worries are for the birds! Peace Herrad, and good times to you.

Unknown said...


We all can feel your frustration. On days like this, you may want to tell yourself that you tried. The measure of success is not that you did or did not do something, but that you were brave enough to attempt it.