Thursday, May 07, 2009

Another grey and overcast days where the clouds keep passing over with every now and then a patch sometimes more of pretty blue sky revealed and sunshine.

We are having April weather in May which seems to be how it has been for the last few years.

The seasons are still happening just not in the sequence we were used to them happening.

Strange just like chemotherapy to knock out the immune system and replace it when replacing stem cells.

Love the idea of reversing the effects of MS, guess if I were offered that result I would say yes too.

Keep almost having the same train of thoughts where I almost jump with the shock of discovering yet again that I am indeed totally handicapped.

Constant double take as I am confronted time and again with this altered reality.

I know that my reality now is being dependant for everything on Richie, I don't fight it as there would be no sense in that.

How do I deal with it is a good question and one that I can not answer fully as even I don’t totally understand how I do that..

I guess I deal with it as I do because the other option is to not deal with it which could potentially hurt me even more.

And not just me but Richie too and by extension everyone connected to us.

I am always ready to fight against what I see or experience as an injustice and I guess having MS could be seen as just that.

But it is not something that can be got rid of which is when I ask why not, why is there not an answer to how does it occur, what makes it happen or what triggers it off.

There is so much research and hard work put into making a variety of drugs that keep people well and truly dependant on drugs and drug companies.

We really do need to ask ourselves do we need to have so many extra authority figures in our lives wasn’t one of each more than enough for a lifetime?

For me they were more than enough, have never since wanted to replace them with any other authority figure.

Have always thought that I can and will take full responsibility for my life.

Such as my morning routine of arm and leg exercises as well as getting Richie to do the leg massaging and getting me thc and baclofen and more thc as its particularly painful today.

Probably feeling it more as did not get off to sleep without an additional bag of vapour at around 3 am.

Then Richie woke me up at about 6 am when he went to the toilet, neither of us really slept again until he gave me a couple of bags and I drifted off for a couple of hours.

Very pleasant dreaming away like that, it has helped right the balance again for me today.

Dreaming is vital for a happy disposition and mine is very sanguine today.


soulful sepulcher said...

Hi Herrad!

I love the photos!

I, too wish there were answers. There really needs to be more research done with regard to the brain and central nervous system. It's like how not one doctor after a decade can say for sure why my daughter is the way she is....they don't know crap.

anyway, after that little rant...have a great day today. It's really been raining here a lot, and the trees are full and lime green in the woods (lots of mud to walk Koda though)


Living Day to Day with Multiple Sclerosis said...

I just wanted to say keep the faith and hoe!!!Hang in there and keep the FIGHT in you!!!! They are working very hard and hopefully sometime real soon they will find the answer and you will be able to do some of the things you love to do. With out being as dependent on Richie. He sounds like an awesome person.

Herrad said...

Hi Stephany,

Great to see your comment.
You are right doctores are only really trying all sorts out and for some (hope so)it's good.

Hi Tara,

Thanks for your supportivr mrssage.
Richie is a darling, he looks after me so very well.

Have a good day.

Anonymous said...

Hi Herrad! I never know what to say, except that I learn a lot about life and MS through your writing. You always have my support and love, and I really hope you have a good day today.

I love the photos of your pups and you! "Sleeping with Mommy" they snore? :-)

Cranky said...

Thanks for the shots of you with Spike and Marleen. They look tickled to be with you!

I am continuously struck by how you manage to maintain your perspective in spite of the effects of your MS.

Herrad said...

Hi Rain,

You have no need to worry you say the right sort of stuff cos we communicate well.

Thanks for your love and support it bis very important to me and really helps me.


Herrad said...

Hi Cranky,

Your support helps me lots.
My perspective is one of making the best of this situation.

Just self preservation.


Ana said...

Don't worry about the dreams.
I suffered something that was hard to accept and had many dreams like you describe.
Last week I had one of them.
It's unjust.
We have to deal with this.
Thanks the Lord you have someone like Richie to take care of you.
Some people have to do it alone.
It's terrible.

Herrad said...

Hi Ana,

Thanks for coming by.
Dreaming about it is I guess part of the whole process of dealing with trauma and coming to terms with dramatic events in our lives.

Still hard to cope with.
Hope your dream has gone now.
Take care.


Vicki said...

Sorry for the pain. Many of us understand as we live with pain, too. It is not fair, and besides, it hurts!

Thank you for the pictures.

Blinders Off said...


You are an inspiration because I was going to be a coward when MS permanently take my way of life.

I feared being a burden on my family knowing they are supportive of me, but reading how Richie supports you and treasure each day he has with has removed that fear.

It is a joy getting to know you through the blogosphere.

Herrad said...

Hi Vicki,

Thanks for your support, pain really is the pits.

Thc helps me cope with it, all the thc goes into pain relief so am not stoned but not bothered by the pain.

Hope you are doing well and you are not too harassed by pain today.


Herrad said...

Hi Blinders Off,

Thanks for saying I am an inspiration to you.

You are too are an inspiration to me.

I love reading your blog it always informs and uplifts me.

Have a good day.


Herrad said...

Hi Blinders Off,

It is really good getting to know you too.


Webster said...

THanks for the award, Herrad. Perhaps after I put it on my blog, I will shrink it and glue it on my collar. Just like in grade school!

As for the MS, I keep saying "It is what it is and that's all it is." My DH can be doting like RIchie, but he always me try to do (whatever) first. He makes me get up and fix my coffee, or cereal - then he will bring it to wherever I am sitting to eat it. I have no doubt he will dote on me as my MS does whatever it does to me. Hopefully a long time from now - but I'm afraid it will happen sooner than I can even imagine.

Anyway, sorry for the ramble - thanks again for the award.

Herrad said...

Hi Webster,
Glad you like the award.
Good to hear your darling is there for you.
Have a good day.