Thursday, May 07, 2009
Another grey and overcast days where the clouds keep passing over with every now and then a patch sometimes more of pretty blue sky revealed and sunshine.
We are having April weather in May which seems to be how it has been for the last few years.
The seasons are still happening just not in the sequence we were used to them happening.
Strange just like chemotherapy to knock out the immune system and replace it when replacing stem cells.
Love the idea of reversing the effects of MS, guess if I were offered that result I would say yes too.
Keep almost having the same train of thoughts where I almost jump with the shock of discovering yet again that I am indeed totally handicapped.
Constant double take as I am confronted time and again with this altered reality.
I know that my reality now is being dependant for everything on Richie, I don't fight it as there would be no sense in that.
How do I deal with it is a good question and one that I can not answer fully as even I don’t totally understand how I do that..
I guess I deal with it as I do because the other option is to not deal with it which could potentially hurt me even more.
And not just me but Richie too and by extension everyone connected to us.
I am always ready to fight against what I see or experience as an injustice and I guess having MS could be seen as just that.
But it is not something that can be got rid of which is when I ask why not, why is there not an answer to how does it occur, what makes it happen or what triggers it off.
There is so much research and hard work put into making a variety of drugs that keep people well and truly dependant on drugs and drug companies.
We really do need to ask ourselves do we need to have so many extra authority figures in our lives wasn’t one of each more than enough for a lifetime?
For me they were more than enough, have never since wanted to replace them with any other authority figure.
Have always thought that I can and will take full responsibility for my life.
Such as my morning routine of arm and leg exercises as well as getting Richie to do the leg massaging and getting me thc and baclofen and more thc as its particularly painful today.
Probably feeling it more as did not get off to sleep without an additional bag of vapour at around 3 am.
Then Richie woke me up at about 6 am when he went to the toilet, neither of us really slept again until he gave me a couple of bags and I drifted off for a couple of hours.
Very pleasant dreaming away like that, it has helped right the balance again for me today.
Dreaming is vital for a happy disposition and mine is very sanguine today.