Thursday, May 28, 2009
Thursday already which means it will be 14 pm all too soon and the physiotherapist will be here to put me through 30 mins of exercises.
Looking forward to seeing Mathilde, she is such a sweet kind woman with a great sense of humour.
Can just be myself which takes any stress right out of the equation; really feel that I benefit from her visits twice a week.
Would have it every day if I could, as that would be even better than twice a week, but do not think that will happen which is a shame.
As soon as I notice I am up against it I try to check out what happened.
It usually helps to see what has happened; only sometimes it does not make any sense what so ever.
Just as it is senseless that although there is no feeling in my lower body, I can not move even one toe yet if there is the tiniest of creases I will feel it.
This was not so until February and since then every tiny crease, wrinkle, fold that is under any part of my body is felt.
Drives me mad at times as it can wake me up and keep me awake, often Richie can not find anything, but after he pulls the sheet straight whatever it was is gone.
Woke up too soon this morning when a range of noises all combined to shock me awake.
The lorry was next door at the house that’s being renovated they seemed to be using lifting gear, probably bringing in building supplies.
The other loud sound was a jackhammer which was being used to dig up the old foundations in the back yard.
At the same time the waste paper bins were being emptied around the play area and troupes of happy children went by and loud men's voices were yodelling at each other in the near distance.
Almost sounded choreographed but know it was just one of those happy Amsterdam coincidences.
Feel very marooned in my body today and super conscious of not being able to move at all, apart from my body shifting and sliding and slipping.
Often have to get Richie to adjust my positions sometimes do not notice right away that I am leaning to one side.
It’s a little like listening to the radio for ages before realising it’s not tuned properly, often would listen like that for hours until someone else would notice the tuning.
Then would become t otally aware it had been dreadful for ages, whats strange is that somehow I had managed to blank it out.
Often works like that with discomfort, that I can tolerate it for ages before it all becomes too much.
Today am noticing every little thing and feeling supersensitive probably be a good idea to get Richie to haul me out of bed not too long after the physiotherapist has been.
If he gets me up at 15 pm I can be back in bed washed and exercised by 16.30 and then Richie can get on making dinner and taking the dogs out and we will have a pleasant evening.
Hopefully I have been able to push away the dark thoughts now and let the sunshine in, which so very important.
Also important to acknowledge what is happening otherwise it becomes a vain attempt to rewrite history which alas is not one of my tricks.
Sadly it is not otherwise I would cut to the next scene where I get up off the bed and walk away into the sunset.
How I wish that were possible can almost imagine how it feels, what it would be like to walk again and to feel my stomach muscles when I am moving.
Know this will not happen again for me so instead get alot of pleasure seeing and hearing about other people who can walk.
Love the triathlon blogs with tales of cycling, running and swimming really enjoy their stories and their enjoyment.
Love reading other blogs and hearing about other lives and other experiences, for a time it takes me away from my situation.
It does not stop my pain nothing can as the nerves either register nothing or go into overdrive and register all sorts of pain that is not actually really happening.
Since I woke up today have had a nerve pain travel from one side of my face to the other and up and down my body.
Seems to have gone a way at the moment, am really pleased with myself for not touching any of the places that were irritating as that would have made everything more sorely.
Difficult to stop the automatic response of touching but slowly learning that I must never ever touch myself and scratching is a big no don’t do it as it causes too much discomfort.
Realised life would be different just did not realise how different it would be and that it would extend to every part of life.
The sun is shining now as the clouds clear and blue skies are revealed behind the clouds.
Going to enjoy the day hope everyone else will too.