Sunday, July 04, 2010

Here's To Life, My Life And My Unvarnished Truth.


Posting those photos of me the day before yesterday was quite worrying, glad that I decided to post the pics.

For a moment before I made the decision I wanted Richie to take photos that would not show everything.

Wanted photos that would not show how my body has become distorted, but at the same time show me.

Realised what I was doing, which was constructing a myth, which is not me, not the real me that this blog is about.

Felt suddenly abit like the Wizard of Oz hiding behind smoke and mirrors, soon as I got that image I knew that I could not do that.

How can I carry on being open about what is happening and at the same time sanitise my image, there was a touch of farce about the whole thing.

It was scary to post the photos, but as soon as I had done so I felt relieved, it felt good to be honest.

It was easier to write honestly about what I am experiencing, but photos of me that was worrying.

Funny that, as is if keeping them secret would somehow make any difference to how my body is these days.

Strange discovering this I am glad that Richie reminded me that despite everything I was still me.

That despite everything this horrible MS has done, I am still cute and still very much me, this has been so good for me.

Everything has clicked into place for me, as I realise the truth of still being me, really understand it now.

It really does not matter what you look like, what a disease does to you, because the important thing is the person.

Which is my mind and my intellect, my sense of humour, my mentality and my emotions and my will power..

Glad that posting a few photos has made clear to me what is really important for me, posting the photos has helped me a lot.

It feels like this simple action has clarified things and made life easier for myself, can now celebrate my life and my take on it without wasting my time on trivial things.

It is life that is important to me, not the window dressing, interesting to see that despite being so ill with MS that I still wanted to touch up my photos as if anyone would expect me to look like a model.

Here’s to life, my life and my unvarnished truth.


~~Silk said...

This is going to sound shallow of me, but after this post maybe you need to hear it.

When I saw the photos, my first thought was, "Oh, wow, she looks great! That chair must be making a bigger difference to her than I thought!"

I looked at your eyes, and the light in them, and you looked terrific.

Joan said...

Being me and always being behind I have just seen you photos it is so good to meet you in the flesh so to speak and to see you sitting up in your new chair even better. Glad you are enjoying the footy we did not qualify as usual so hubby is enjoying it more will tell him to cheer for your team when the semi's are on. Maybe next time Scotland will get there. Watching the Tour de France that has been passing through Holland and Belguim today, you have a lovely day there I see. take care Love Joan.

Herrad said...

Hi Silk,
Lovely to hear from you and thanks for your sweet comment.
I really needed to hear that.

Hi Joan,
Tell your darling that we hope Scotland qualifies next time, Richie is a Scotland fan.

Thanks both of you dear friends for coming by.
Appreciate your visits.
Have a good day.

JC said...

Wanted to stop by and say Hello.

Herrad said...

Hi JC,
Lovely to see your comment, thanks for coming by.
Have a good day.

Stephany said...

Hi Herrad,

I love the photos. Honestly, all I saw was you in the pictures, not the other things you worried about. I also had no idea that was the cath bag, which is another reason the photos were good to share, to educate the reality of what you write about. But the bottom line is, you are you, and that's who comes across in the writings and that's who we all love so much!

I'm glad you've got the chair to sit out there with Richie, too.


PS--another wise post from you, always learn from you and your smoke and mirrors anaology and wanting to censor your pics is truly open and honest, and we can all learn from you, again!

Richie said...

You have nothing to hide. Beauty radiates from you. I love you being you. It was you I fell in love with.

Herrad said...

Hi Stephany,
Thanks for your lovely comment and for only seeing me and not seeing the things I worry about.

Hi Richie,
Thanks for your sweet loving comment means alot to me to get your thoughts.

Thanks both of you for your visits and comments.
Finding it difficult coming to terms with how it has changed how I look too.
Thanks for your love and support.

Stephany said...

Hi Herrad,

I think women, as strong and spirited, interesting, funny and smart (YOU)still, though confident, have a small part of wanting to be accepted for who they are in physical appearance, especially, when it changes.

Our appearance changes with all years of our lives.

We change, but not always from illness. Our bodies evolve over time, and I know for a fact your smile and sparkle in your eyes are the same as when you and Richie first met.

Take a look at the photos, and what we see is a real, genuine human being, and a woman who with great pride is sharing with the world, the deep loss she feels.

Don't forget, you are you, no matter what. Richie only sees you. Sure, the daily grind is grueling for both of you, but you know his heart is aligned with yours.

Both of you are to be admired.

I always want you to know I feel priveleged to know you, even if through this format. I will mourn losing you. Find solace in the fact, you have friends that will rally around Richie, I think you may worry about that. And I'm not afraid to talk about the inevitable, because you talk about it. That's the gift you're giving us.And on that note, I hope to be here writing to you for many, many more years. :)


love and hugs


Herrad said...

Hi Stephany,
Thanks for your moving comment, I cried so much my glasses are all fogged up now and totally splattered with tears.
Thanks for the truth of your comment.
I too hope we will be writng for many more years.
It is a privilege knowing you too, wish we did not live so far apart.
Will be buying anothe lottery ticket this month.
Have a fine day.