Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Bravery Was Never My Ambition.

Homage to Stravinsky, 1976.
Endre Rozsda.

Strange sensation waking up in the mornings and realising that I can only move my arms with an enormous effort.

It makes me aware how much I have been taking things for granted, until I stopped being able to walk I never thought I would not be able to walk.

It’s a scary feeling waking up feeling my arms are stiff and painful, and my arms do not move automatically anymore.

These days arm movements need encouragement, I almost have to talk to my arms as I try to get them to move in the mornings.

Some days it feels like my arms are wooden, often I wake feeling enclosed, entombed which is extremely worrying.

I remember reading an article about a man with Parkinson’s in an old copy of Reader’s Digest; it was a moving story, of how he coped.

He talked to his arms and hands to encourage their movement and to direct his hands to pick up his tea cup and get it to his mouth, sometimes he did not spill anything much.

Those were the days, when there would be tea left in the cup for him to drink, I remember reading this in 1988, and being impressed and moved by how bravely he coped.

At the time I had no idea that 23 years later, I would also have to cope bravely with my own degenerative disease, being brave was not how I saw myself or imagined I could be.


Peace Be With You said...

It may never have been your ambition, nor mine, but you now demonstrate bravery with every breath you take. Sigh. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all disappear for you.

Anonymous said...

Please take all the strength I do call my own.

Anonymous said...

you never see your self as being brave but brave is what you are- you always were a woman of strong moral substance only now your challenges are more obvious

gareth said...

Hi H@R@Doggies, saddened to read about your arms, just cant imagine how scary it must be every morning.
Hope the tec people sort out a good solution that allows you to continue to write down all thats going on and to let you continue to express your thoughts and feelings.

Wif ya in Spirit Allways GXXX

Herrad said...

hi judy,
i wish you could wave a magic wand too, right now i could cope with a wonder cure.

hi robert,
thanks for your kind words of support.

hi richie,
thanks for those wordsyou are rigfht i am brave, wish i id not have to be brave.

hi gareth,
its very scary,thanks for your support.
the tecs are sorting things out, hopefully not a long wait.

thanks to you 4 lovely friends for coming by.

Nat said...

Sorry to have been MIA for so long. Life got on top of me.

I don't think it is anybody's ambition to have to face such a disease with bravery - but you do...

We all have read things and wondered... how would I cope - and yet somehow we do, you I always feel as well as any.


Anonymous said...

It is how I see you...but I see you as much more as well. ~Mary

Herrad said...

hi nat,
good to see your comment today, i hope life is better now for you.

hi mary,
thanks for your kind words, i am glad you see more.

thanks to you 2 lovely friends for coming by.


Rhapsody B. said...

This is so human you know. We take all we can do for granted. We behave invincible, at time arrogant and other times unkind. We never ever consider ourselves incapacitated, unable to do what we and the world deem normal, washing ourselves, dressing ourselves, we never think it can happen to us until it does and when we think of it in our abled bodies arrogrant with the fluidity of movement we think, "oh God I would die it....."

The truth is we should always be humblingly greatful for every movement big and small, clumsy and refined. We should cherish everything we are our physical, emotional and psychological selves. Sometimes we are so lost in the flaws and imperfections of our bodies and limitations in our cognitivity that we forget to be grateful. We fail to see our richness beyond our limited amount of dollars in the bank. Sometimes in our humanness we are so busy using our mouths to complain that we forget to say thank you, I am blessed to simply be.

Thank you for's a strange thing to say but I feel you. I don't feel sorry for you because I believe you are powerful beyong measure even in your physical limitedness but I feel sorry for the constant pain and ache you must endure in your daily existence.

Herrad said...

hi rhapsody,
thanks for your beautiful comment, very moving reading it, you are so right how you describe how people are.
maybe its ok to not give things a thought and take things for granted could be better than wondering/worrying about what if.
perhaps a healthy balance is better enjoy what you have and be aware it could end.
thanks for your kind words about me.
ps i was so happy when i discovered you were also from Trinidad, i feel Trinidad is an extra bond between us