Sunday, September 25, 2011

Time Is Preciously Finite.


Today is another pleasantly warm day like yesterday; happily that’s where the resemblance stopped as my body was not totally cramped up like yesterday.

I did feel it get tense and cramped up, just not like yesterday, what I felt then, was an extremely intense painful feeling.

All my muscles felt totally stretched as well as tightened right up, I had to struggle to breathe, every breath felt like hard labour.

One I hope never to feel again, it was scary as it seemed to be a look at what could be waiting for me; hopeful I won’t need to experience more.

Sadly I think I would have had to let my body struggle desperately for every single breath, if I could not request euthanasia.

I have requested it, so I know that whenever we let the doctor know she will come here and she will let me die.

Writing this upsets me very much, because I will need euthanasia to avoid the final stages of my Primary Progressive MS.

I am crying as I write, weird to be writing about dying on such a lovely afternoon, strange to contemplate.

Maybe it is good because it makes me even more determined to enjoy every moment that I can enjoy, totally aware that my time is preciously finite.

   





4 comments:

Stephany said...

Sending a big hug over Herrad. You're a brave woman.

Peace Be With You said...

My dear Herrad, you are a beautiful soul. I weep for your tribulations and hope for solace and respite for you, however you find it.
Judy

Herrad said...

hi stephany,
thanks, big hugs to another brave woman.

hi judy,
thanks, i am sure i will find some respite and solace.[

thanks for your visits dear friends.
not easy talking about dying but it does make it clear for me that enjoying here and now is very important.
hugs.
love,
herrad

Webster said...

Sometimes... some times it seems like dying from euthanasia would be easier than living with end stage primary progressive MS. I think you are lucky to have that option, and knowing that you do have that option makes it possible for you to live each day to its fullest, even with main and discomfort, because you know what you can handle. The choice is yours.

Now, have another pleasant Fall day. Hopefully you can get outside to the market again soon.