Saturday, April 11, 2009
Glad every day is different, today woke up quite gently after a good nights sleep.
The first feelings of pain were nothing like yesterday, getting emotional and stressed does really make any symptoms more extreme.
What amuses me is how even when its really painful I will say that it was not so bad or it could have been worse.
As if that made it any better.
Better would be if it were to stop but of course that is a dream that won't come true no matter how many stars I wish on.
Usually find when I get very frustrated that a spot of cursing helps clear the air and I can carry on.
Always feel that somehow I should be doing better probably a hangover from school reports saying ' she can do better if she tries'
But this is not the same situation is it, no it is not.
Nothing has prepared me for MS, for this weird situation mind you when I think about the strange life with my parents maybe that has helped prepare me for this.
Life with them was odd and unpredictable, I never knew their plans so every day I could be surprised by some decision of theirs.
They were no good at making decisions and planning their own lives let alone my life.
They thought that they were all I needed, they were my friends no one else was good enough.
My mum actually told me so often that I was a difficult, useless person, that I was easily influenced, that I was unstable and hysterical.
She even phoned my friends and my work as well as my doctor to tell them I was mad and they should have nothing to do with me.
My work told her she was the mad one as did my friends and my doctor suggested a visit to a shrink might do her good.
After that failed and I did not lose my job, she sent me anonymous letters for a year and then one day they stopped and the next she was back to being sweet little mummy again.
Recently I realised these comments of my mum's were more about her than me, at the time I believed her.
She was also a great divide and rule sort of person always encouraging me not to talk to my father and not to tell him anything.
When I realised she was doing this I refused to cooperate and would not play along with her.
Thinking about life with my parents makes me realise that having survived that has made me able to cope with alot and in some small way also with the MS.
Shame they could never live in the moment and instead spent their time full of regrets and wishing for the impossible.
That is something I will not do.
Seize the moment and live in the here and now.
Let's do it.
Have a good day everytone.